This photo really symbolizes where I am at in my recovery.  I’ve had a lot of positive days over the last couple of weeks, but there have been a couple of times that I have stumbled, fallen and had to get right back up to try again.  Every day is a fight.  But it IS possible.

Yesterday, nothing could help me.  I hurt myself, again.  And it was all because I couldn’t stop the storm from brewing inside of me.  The overwhelming sensation of everything that needs to be done on the path of my journey…

I tell you what.  This war I am fighting, it’s exhausting.  In every sense of the word.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  Physically.  I am drained.  And I haven’t even done much yet other than having kept my head above water and survived yet another day in a long series of days that are the culmination of my life.

And ever since my medication changed AGAIN…my sleep problems are endless.  I can’t get enough of it, or it’s broken and feels as though I’m awake all night long.  Thankfully, I’ll meet with my Doctor next week and hopefully we can figure this out.
I know I don’t say “Thank You” enough to the people who deserve to hear it.  And I am so thankful for the few people that I have that reach out to me during my struggles.  Please know, I am thankful for you.  I really am.  From the bottom of my heart.  I am.  My heart aches, as I know that there is nothing anyone can say or do to solve this problem for me-this one is mine and mine alone.  It can’t be any better until I make solid decisions within myself, which I have already started doing, to change my behaviors, my thoughts and my lifestyle.

I’m beginning to notice my “triggers” and that has been increasingly helpful.  I have my mood tracker set and I can mark any time that my mood changes, so that maybe I can find a pattern or circumstance for any of this happening.

I joined a Support Group this past Saturday.  You may have heard of NAMI, but for any of you that have not…I encourage you to look it up.  Even if you aren’t suffering from some sort of mental illness, if you’re a friend/family member to someone that is, they have tools for you.  It’s not much of a step taken.  But, it has helped me find a group of people that share some of my same concerns, issues and thoughts.  It’s some form of comfort to me in knowing that I don’t have to be alone.

I’m going to go into my diagnosis a little deeper in my next blog.  And I think I need to throw out there some things that people should/should not say or do in response to my ‘illness’.  The reasoning for that is because I’m so tired of hearing the same things that just throw more fuel into the fire.  It’s no one’s fault.  But, maybe I can do something to help prevent it from happening as much.

Until then…