I have been a little absent from my blog as of late, I apologize.  I’ve been wanting to write more – and I will.  But, I’ve been working on me a little bit more and that means some things have been sacrificed in the process.

I talked about something called “cultivating your environment” in a different blog entry.  Well, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.  The first day, I took everything out of the office closet and designated it into three groups: it has a purpose & keep it, donate it, or trash it.  I did this by asking myself if whatever I had in my hand actually contributed anything to my life and if it had a purpose for later.  If I could answer “no” to either question, it was gone.  I didn’t second guess myself and I had made the decision on the spot.  I can see my closet now!  And…even better than that…it’s really organized and everything is in it’s own place.  Holy cow.  It.is.possible.  Who knew?!

And if you know anything about me from prior posts, it’s that I am one of the most indecisive people in the world.  I can’t make decisions to save my life.  But, the fact that I could choose what to do with an item based on a couple of simple questions I asked myself, that feeling is something else!  It gave me a sense of accomplishment, like I’m moving in the right direction.  It also gave me confidence to do the things I had been afraid to do for so long.  In the end, and most importantly, it gave me a sense of happiness.

The next day, I took a corner of the office, itself, one at a time and threw away anything that didn’t belong.  I did the exact same thing I did with the closet.  Asked myself the questions and followed through accordingly.  I even started a change jar!  All of the change I find or have in my pockets, etc will go into this sole jar.  And either when it’s full or at a certain time of the year (I haven’t decided THAT much yet!), it will be brought to the bank and cashed in for a few extra dollars.  It doesn’t seem like I could possibly go wrong with that!

On the third day, I tackled the bathroom and the linen closet.  This might not sound like much to you, but trust me – there was so much junk in both.  Three trash bags later and I was done.  I created so much more space!  I even folded all of the towels differently to create more space for them in the linen closet, instead of just kind of stuffing them in there.  I threw away a ton of dog items that were expired.  The list just goes on and on.  But, I feel really good after just a few days of decluttering so far.

This feels like real progress.  And Im not feeling overwhelmed or anxious when I go into these rooms now.  That’s the best part.

My home hasn’t felt like “home” to me in quite some time.  And the clutter has been looming over me for years.  It’s so nice to take a breath and just be comfortable where I am instead of isolating myself to the bedroom or something silly like that.  I can live here again and be okay.  At least that’s what I think will happen by the time that I’m done.

I did some research on essential oils, also.  And found that lavender oil is good for creating a relaxing, calming environment.  I found a wax melter, too, at a local thrift store.  So, when I am done decluttering, the plan is to spread my diffusers and the wax melter to the major parts of my home in hopes of cultivating even more of that relaxing environment that I desperately need.

I walked into the Shelter today for the first time since hospitalization.  Man, was I nervous.  But they were so warm and welcoming to me.  I almost cried at one point because I truly loved my job at the time that I was hitting rock bottom.  But, for me – I need to take my time in jumping back into anything.  Causing myself any extra stress, anxiety or discomfot would not be helping myself to heal.  It would be hurting the goals that I’ve set for myself to complete in my own time; however much time that may take.  I can’t force myself to take on more than I think I can handle right now.  It hurts to think anyone there may not understand or to think that they may hate me for leaving.  But, those could just be thoughts in my head that I need to challenge and deem them as unwanted.  I don’t know.

Right now, though, it’s just back to the basics for me.  Sleep is not coming easily either.  Which makes things just a little more difficult.  It takes me forever to fall asleep.  And once I do, I’m awake every three hours or so.  I’m so frustrated with it.  Which means, I’ll end up having another uncomfortable talk with my Doctor next week.  Whatever, it’s for the best, I guess.

So, in addition to decluttering my house, I’ve also initiated the process of decluttering my life.  If there are any negative people in my life, that drag me down on a regular basis, I realize now that they need to go – no matter how much they mean to me.  I can’t sacrifice myself for them anymore.  I might even try to talk to them and help them to understand what they do to me.  It boils down to if they can’t find a way to be a more positive and helpful influence and/or be encouraging in my life; they need to go.  Easier said than done.  But, that’s the decision I’ve made.  And it’s a good one.

All in all, this journey is a difficult one.  But, I’m putting one foot in front of the other and even if I’m only moving a few inches at a time…at least I’m moving.  And I’m moving forward instead of backwards.

One more thing, before I forget.  Along with the change jar and the decluttering, I’ve started a “positive thoughts jar”.  This allows you to sit down when you’re having an up day and jot down a few random positive thoughts or feelings.  You can do this every day or just on any day you feel positive.  And then when those down days come, because you KNOW that they will, you can open your jar and read your own positive thoughts to remind you that not every day is a bad day.  We often forget about the good days when our downward spiral begins.  I’m guilty of it for sure.  So don’t forget to also declutter yourself of those unwanted, unhelpful and soul eating negative thoughts/feelings.

Thank you for listening to my ranting.  Or rather, reading it.  Keep your heads held high and know that you are in the driving seat.  You’re the one holding the pen when writing your story, not someone else.  So, make it a damned good one.  I believe that you can.  I know that you can.  If anything, witness the beginnings of my transformation and revamp.  I’m living proof that things can change.