So, now that we’re talking about my diagnosis, I’m moving on to C-PTSD.  It’s PTSD, only a little more Complex.

To start again, we’ll go ahead with the definition.

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I questioned whether or not the diagnosis should actually be for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Turns out, that BPD and C-PTSD have a lot of gray area when they overlap.

The thing to remember is that with C-PTSD compared to PTSD, there are not always flashbacks of people and/or events that took place.  But, they are usually related to a prolonged period of abuse (emotional/physical/mental), usually during childhood.  I don’t necessarily agree with all of the things rated in the chart above.  But, that’s what they determined in 2014 to be the relation between the two.  For instance, the idea of self-harm and suicidal behavior along with the frantic attempts to go out of my way to avoid abandonment are all relevant to me.  However, C-PTSD doesn’t even touch on those.

That being said, let’s look at some of the symptoms of C-PTSD.

I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel that I can not relate to the given symptoms.  Sure, I controlled some emotions through self-harm because I couldn’t express them properly and they became more than what I could handle.  And yes, I would verbally express my desire to die, just for the sake of no longer suffering or being in pain.  I often felt as though I couldn’t enjoy anything because that would be bad or the thought of enjoying it would be seen as only disappointment when things didn’t go my way.  There are so many symptoms that are all relative, you know?

So, let’s look at some drugs that they use to control the symptoms.

I can spot a few on this list that I have been on or am currently on.  I’ve had experiences with Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Venlafaxine XR and possibly some others that are not listed here.  I’ve combined any of those drugs with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and have found CBT to be the most effective thing in my condition.  Because it forces me to face the trigger that is bothering me, question it’s reality and whether or not it’s a good/bad thought, and then deal with it appropriately.  If you have never tried CBT, I highly encourage it.  And actually, a lot of the information I present in my blog and worksheets comes from my CBT classes and Anxiety Journal Workbook.

Then, there are triggers for those who suffer from PTSD.  We defined a trigger in my last blog.  But, we’ll look at another definition here, for time’s sake.

I’m more of an internal feelings and sensations person.  I don’t really have flashbacks.  But, I do have unwanted memories that I wish I could just toss out of my head.  The mental/emotional/physical abuse that I endured during my childhood has haunted my thoughts, feelings, and memories for far too long.  It’s caused myself a lot of pain.  And on top of that, it’s changed my whole viewpoint of other people around me and what I expect them to think of me – which is always the worst case scenario, if I’m being real here.

It hurts, man.  Like no other.  I just want to feel normal and look at things from the perspective of people who appear to be so care-free and happy.  I not only want to feel accepted, special, loved or cared for.  I also want to love myself again.

Through these blogs, weekly psychiatrist appointments, two weeks of CBT group sessions, monthly psychologist appointments, writing and reading…I believe I’m well on my way.  I’ve found a great sense of accomplishment in recognizing when I’m being triggered and by what.  I’ve been fighting the necessary wars in my head little by little and lately they haven’t been as rough.  I’m still struggling with falling asleep, but that’s playing in the minor league there.  And by starting to cultivate and nourish a more harmonious, decluttered environment..I can feel the change sweeping over me like a warm blanket.

This is where I leave you, for now.  But, I’ll be back either with another diagnosis at a glimpse, or with a new lesson.

Hold your head up high.  We have so much to live for.