Photography by Jamie

Let’s Get Personal.

January 2, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

This photo really symbolizes where I am at in my recovery. I’ve had a lot of positive days over the last couple of weeks, but there have been a couple of times that I have stumbled, fallen and had to get right back up to try again. Every day is a fight. But it IS possible.

Yesterday, nothing could help me. I hurt myself, again. And it was all because I couldn’t stop the storm from brewing inside of me. The overwhelming sensation of everything that needs to be done on the path of my journey…

I tell you what. This war I am fighting, it’s exhausting. In every sense of the word. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I am drained. And I haven’t even done much yet other than having kept my head above water and survived yet another day in a long series of days that are the culmination of my life.

And ever since my medication changed AGAIN…my sleep problems are endless. I can’t get enough of it, or it’s broken and feels as though I’m awake all night long. Thankfully, I’ll meet with my Doctor next week and hopefully we can figure this out.
I know I don’t say “Thank You” enough to the people who deserve to hear it. And I am so thankful for the few people that I have that reach out to me during my struggles. Please know, I am thankful for you. I really am. From the bottom of my heart. I am. My heart aches, as I know that there is nothing anyone can say or do to solve this problem for me-this one is mine and mine alone. It can’t be any better until I make solid decisions within myself, which I have already started doing, to change my behaviors, my thoughts and my lifestyle.

I’m beginning to notice my “triggers” and that has been increasingly helpful. I have my mood tracker set and I can mark any time that my mood changes, so that maybe I can find a pattern or circumstance for any of this happening.

I joined a Support Group this past Saturday. You may have heard of NAMI, but for any of you that have not…I encourage you to look it up. Even if you aren’t suffering from some sort of mental illness, if you’re a friend/family member to someone that is, they have tools for you. It’s not much of a step taken. But, it has helped me find a group of people that share some of my same concerns, issues and thoughts. It’s some form of comfort to me in knowing that I don’t have to be alone.

I’m going to go into my diagnosis a little deeper in my next blog. And I think I need to throw out there some things that people should/should not say or do in response to my ‘illness’. The reasoning for that is because I’m so tired of hearing the same things that just throw more fuel into the fire. It’s no one’s fault. But, maybe I can do something to help prevent it from happening as much.

Until then…

Facing the costs

January 1, 2017January 2, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. ” – Alfred D’Souza
Life is a journey, not a destination. It’s built one step at a time by what I do. Managing my anxiety has cost me dearly.

It’s finally time for my life to begin. I have anxiety, stress, and depression obstacles.

We all have a finite time here. I’m not sure how you’ve been living, but I’ve been drifting through the days on autopilot. Drifting here and there without a compass to guide me, not questioning a thing. And I’ve been spending a great deal of time attempting to keep my obstacles in check.

Is this what I want to be about? The short answer is “no”.

I want to be more than my obstacles.

It’s no secret that I’ve lost control of where I was going or how I’ve maneuvered through my obstacles up until now. And all the while it’s cost me my precious energy, time, opportunities, freedom, and relationships. So, it’s time to take a close, personal look into my experience. After all, nobody is more of an expert in my experience than me, myself.

Interpersonal Costs

I have isolated myself from people. I have avoided social situations where I may have been overly anxious or uncomfortable. Not only have I avoided them for those reasons, but also because I asked myself “what’s the point?”

In existing relationships, I’ve strained them significantly. Sometimes being triggered and lashing out. Often times because I couldn’t clearly communicate what I was going through.

Career Costs

I’ve always been a hard worker. There’s no question there. But I am insecure and uncertain. There’s always a war being fought in my head over whether or not I’m good enough, if I’ve done enough, or if I did it right. I love to learn, too. And when I’m not given the opportunity to grow, I take it personally and assume the worst.

This time, I had to miss work to seek out the help that I need. And since the time I need to receive the help and recover is so indefinite, I had to resign.

Health Costs

There have been several effects of managing my worry, anxiety, and fear on my health. I don’t avoid taking care of myself or anything like that. But, it has affected my ability to fall asleep or staying asleep. It has also taken its toll on my mood, making me more irritable and easily agitated. It also has kept me from eating before. Sometimes it even means my blood pressure goes way up. The costs, really, in this category are endless.

Because of this, I see a psychiatrist and psychologist on a regular basis. I also compromise my health and body with medications.

Energy Costs

I waste so much energy on worry, stress, and negative thinking. Sometimes I experience difficulty with my short term memory, unable to recall the simplest of things. I’ve developed a minor case of ocd, having to repeat things in my head to calm myself. And I’m mentally, physicality and emotionally exhausted. In severe situations, I’ve become temporarily disoriented. Often times finding myself walking in circles or wondering how/why I was where I was.

Emotional Costs

This is an important one. As a result of trying to control my anxiety and depression, I became sad and hopeless. And on top of that, lonely. I would randomly explode in fits of anger and rage. And ultimately, all of my internal emotions led me to suicidal thoughts, tendencies and to routines of self harm.

Financial Costs

Oh my. I don’t even want to think about this one. I can’t think about it without instantly breaking down. The cost is substantial. Between regular office visits, gas, hospitalization and medications…I can’t even begin to list the costs.

Costs of Freedom

You are virtually stripped of this when you become hospitalized. Not to mention having to be observed around the house while upset, in fear of what I may do to myself. I am somewhat dependant on others to do certain things for me and I avoid interactions because I quickly become socially awkward.

The want to manage my mental illness is a trap. And the more I struggle, the tighter it gets. But I’m determined to find a way out…

Here are some worksheets for you to examine your own struggles, if you so choose.

What Has Your Anxiety Cost You?

What Have I Given Up for Anxiety in the Past Month?

Anxiety Management: Cost Benefit Analysis

The New Year

December 31, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I’m going to blog some more about my personal recovery and lessons/thoughts, but first I wanted to wish everyone out there a very happy New Year.

As you know, this year has not been one of my best. In fact, it was a year of ups and downs, where I finally hit the bottom.

A lot of you may do resolutions and all of that..I’m not doing that this year because they are just so self-defeating. I’ve never taken them seriously or anything and have always laughed it off as just a sort of New Years joke, so to speak.

What I will do, starting tomorrow, is begin the Thirty Days of Happiness Challenge. If you’ve never heard of it, here is a copy.

You should try it, if you are able!

With the New Year, I have goals for myself…daily goals. And though, I don’t quite have them mapped out yet, I have good ideas as to where to start.

For now, I think I’ll tell you that I wish you all of the best in the New Year to come. I will return in just a moment with my next entry, in an ongoing series of entries, in regards to my personal journey and growth. I hope you will join me there.

Let’s Do Lunch!

December 30, 2016December 31, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

Because I am where I am…and because I still have my sense of humor intact, I would like to share a little something with you.

This is something I would like to call:

Things I now know I take for granted at lunch every day!

Not having to eat with a chaperone – every day at the Hospital we have to walk to the cafeteria as a group, with a chaperone, who can then let us into the building to eat. The chaperone has to stay with us for the entirety of the thirty minute meal time.
Not having to carry my food on a tray – we are encouraged to grab a tray with our plastic spoons and forks so that it will be easy to carry our different foods to the tables, as sometimes different foods come in different containers.
Getting to Choose What I Eat-the lunch menu is the same every week. EVERY week. On any given day, you will know what you will be having for lunch. Indecisive? Not a problem there. ha-ha
The idea of fruit not counting as a desert!-Yep. It happened. Today I thought I was going to choose to eat fruit instead of cabbage and also eat a tiny slice of cake for desert. The cook was quick to slap my hand and tell me that I could either have the fruit or the cake, but not both. Of course, I chose the cake.
Not having to ask for a plastic knife to cut my food-I don’t really need to explain this, but yes…we have to ask for one. And I’m sure they have to monitor it’s use. I questioned this because I felt the fork was equally as “dangerous”. It got a giggle.
Being able to use the bathroom-No bathroom in the lunch room. You had better use it before you go, or you’ll be waiting until you get back.
Being able to leave the room-You are literally locked in the room until your chaperone uses their key to let you out.
Being able to choose where you eat-There is only one place, unless you want to eat from the vending machine.

I’d just like to say that this list of things is purely for humor’s sake. As a disclaimer, I know that all of the above things are understandable and put into place for good reason. Well, everything except for maybe the fruit thing, lol.

I felt since everything up until now had been so serious, I should share a little mental hospital humor with you. And I wouldn’t trade my chaperones for the world-they are truly wonderful ladies.

But for real, you guys…let’s be grateful for the little things. You don’t know what you will miss, until it’s gone. 🙂

Got ANTs?

December 29, 2016December 29, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

“It’s not who you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you’re not.” – Unknown

Thoughts are underrated in their ability to control our moods and emotions. Just a simple thought can bring your happiest day crashing in an unstoppable downward spiral. And the more we feed such thoughts, the heavier they will weigh upon us.

If you have never stopped to think about that before, just take a minute now to do so…I’ll wait…

Got it? I never spent much time thinking about it until we covered the lesson in one of my group sessions at the Hospital. But, it’s absolutely true! And the good news is, there is plenty that we can do about it.

First of all, I’d like to explain the title. As we learned it in the session, ANTs is an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts. I found it kind of cute and I liked the way it was presented as that concept. So, that’s the way I’m going to relay it to you. And if you think this lesson isn’t important…well, that’s on you. But, I’d encourage you to give it a chance, as some of the information I found to be very helpful.

Sometimes when ANTs occur, I find myself reacting to them negatively. I may be distressed, angry or even worried about what I am thinking to be the truth. But, the first thing I need to do is to stop and identify that thought-you know the one, the one that has you all riled up and in a tizzy. Yes, that one!

Once I’ve done that, it’s time to stop it; the cycle of the thought running through my head and the little voice questioning it maliciously. Take a breath, get some air…it’s now that I want and need to calm myself down. It’s important that I’m calm first, as physiologically, when I’m tense, I’m not thinking rationally. I’m so focused on the negative thought and feelings associated with that. By calming oneself, it allows for more oxygen to get to the brain and form more rational thoughts. It’s then that I’ll take a closer look at the thought that has us in such an uproar. I’m saying ‘us’, because we ALL do this. It isn’t just you or me. It’s human, but there are ways to be smarter about it.

What I’m working on with this, is Cognitive Restructuring or Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). Simplifying it, it means to re-build thoughts. And by doing that, I can challenge my ANTs.

When I get ready to challenge my negative thought, it’s important that I ask myself some questions. The reason this is important is so that I can evaluate how truly important to me the thought is, if I might be overreacting to something, or if things just might not be as bad as they seem to me at the time.

Here is an example of the questions that I might go through. And for humor’s sake…refer to the list of questions as ANT spray.

Another form of ANT spray (I can’t even type that without smiling), is for me to decide if the thought may be something that I’m super sensitive to. Personally, I’m super sensitive to social situations and my self-image. Which means my thought process will always be searching for for a reason to be critical of myself. One of my counselors called this super sensitivity a Super Scanner. And I found myself relating to being overly sensitive when it comes to certain things in my head.

Most of the time, after asking myself some of those questions, I realize that the problem is not as large as I’m making it in my head. Sometimes, I even come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter to me nearly as much as I initially felt it did – or get this, that it just might not be my problem to worry about in the first place.

It’s going to take a lot of practice on my part. But, I have confidence that I can begin to train my mind to listen to a more rational me in time. Practice makes perfect, after all!

Building Inner Strength

December 29, 2016December 28, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

The Doctor changed my medications on me recently. So, now I’m taking a three-drug-cocktail. The goal now is to try and get my daily anxiety under control and so that I’m not having panic attacks day in and day out, sometimes multiple times per day. The downfall is that it comes with it’s own set of side effects. In this case, I’m feeling a little bit more tired than normal at this time. However, when weighing some sleepiness in comparison to the choking feeling that I experience from anxiety – I’ll take the sleepy feeling over it any day! So, things are looking up in the way of my medications.

Now that we covered that, are you ready to get your hands dirty? I am. It’s time for me to reinforce my desire to build my inner strength. After everything that I’ve been through and after all that I’ve felt lately, this is an area that I feel took a large hit. I feel as though the pillars are cracking and that the structure isn’t very stable in itself. So, I’m going to lay the footwork and foundation to rebuild this tired old house, if you catch my drift.

My strength has held me up through the toughest of times, but it’s time to renew that inner strength. I know it’s time because after all of this, it feels as though I’ve been depleted of any strong thing in my body. I’ve been to the point of cracking and falling down…now, it’s time to pick of the pieces and form that new foundation that I was talking about before I got off track.

How am I going to do this, you might ask. I’m going to look at different areas in my life, I’m going to discipline myself and then I’m going to take the baby steps necessary to get myself back to where I need to be.

Here are some of the ideas:

Improving My Focus-Sometimes we can’t get moving forward because of the lack of focus and determination we have. Learning to pick one area to concentrate on is sometimes all it takes to get ourselves moving forward.
Positive Risk Taking – This does not mean go jump off of a building. One can often build inner strength by learning to do things outside of the box or comfort zone. You can try new things and challenge yourself in order to create the drive you need to get moving.
Drawing Strength From Others – It’s just like it sounds! Teaming up with someone else or gaining their support often can be the boost you need in order to get things moving. Think about where to find someone who can help and don’t be afraid to bounce ideas off of them.
Learning to Say No-This is my biggest weak area and one that I desperately need to improve in. Could part of the problem be that assertiveness or refusal skills are needed? Yes, it could! Starting to say “no” more often can be such a difference maker when saying “no” has always been my area of weakness. It may also build your confidence and give you a feeling of empowerment. As though, you’re taking back your life!
Self-Discipline and Structure-Remember that I’ve made the decision that I want and need change in my life. In order to create self-discipline, you should really want what you’re going after. Coming up with a good plan and then sticking to it can be exactly what I need.
Spirituality-This is another area I’m somewhat weak in, as I’ve lost Faith in pretty much everything. But, who knows. I might find something somewhere, even if it’s simple meaning in my own actions. People who don’t have Faith, may not be bothered with this. But, if you do have it…you may draw strength from your spiritual beliefs.
Increased Urgency-Oh yes! My changes need to come and they need to come like yesterday! Quite often people are at their best when their backs are against the wall. Stop putting it off! There is no reason to wait for tomorrow when you can make the decision to do something right now.
Dropping the Dead Weight-Buh Bye, as I like to say. If someone or something is holding you back, maybe you need to consider what’s in your best interest. If it’s dragging you backwards or slowing your progress down, it may be time to leave it behind so that you can make some real progress. Personally, I love dropping dead weight. It consumes way too much time and energy to try and maintain something that is so useless.
Using What You’re Good At-Think about where your strengths are. Is there something in particular that you’re good at? This is where I try to look at my past and present to examine life as a whole. Was there a time where I demonstrated ability. Yep. I’ve made it through every worst day of my life…and I’ll make it through this one, as well. Draw from your own experiences in helping push you when you need it most.
Taking Baby Steps-You will hear me reiterate this many times in my blogging, I’m sure. About taking baby steps. I will fall fifty times before I make it one step. But, that’s okay, as long as I keep moving forward. If bigger changes are overwhelming to you, like they are to me-consider what small steps you can take in order to reach the larger goal.

As I stated above, for me it’s going to take baby steps to make the BIG change in my life that I need to make. Because I have such a loss of happiness and purpose, I’m going to have to work hard in all of these categories. That comes with a price, too. It’s overwhelming…and that’s where the baby steps come in. I’m simply going to put one foot in front of the other and develop a routine and plan that will get me moving towards a happier me. Once I have that plan in place, it would be wise of me to bounce my idea off of a peer in order to see things from a new and unbiased perspective. This way, I can also be held accountable for what I said I was going to do and I can be told if my ideas are too far fetched.

If you’re struggling like I am, remember that the change starts with a solid decision. That means, without question it is something you want. And after that, it has to start with you.

I Got the Powa!

December 28, 2016December 29, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

It’s been a great day full of positivity in Group. I felt good about the lessons we were learning. And it’s funny to me that I’m just now learning these lessons. But, hey they’re important. We even went for a walk around campus today to enhance our senses and build on calming techniques that we’ll probably talk about in a different post.

Let’s start today off with the quote I have written in my journal:
“If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has twenty five more letters”.

I hope that made you smile, as it did me. And I hope that you can find meaning and hope in that, as I did.

Don’t Be Afraid to Lose Control

I giggled at this lesson, as we began to learn to let go of control, or the idea of control. But, in reality – there are so, so many things out of our hands and that we have absolutely no control over whatsoever.

You could define control as the power to influence and/or direct peoples’ behaviors or the course of events. That would be a technical definition of the word. But, isn’t it more than that?

Control is something that you can have OVER people and/or events. It gives you a sense of entitlement and empowerment. It’s something that a lot of us have trouble either gaining or letting go of. My guess is that most of us have more trouble letting go of it.

I can give you the example of house cleaning. You may prefer to do things as I do, clean the room from top to bottom and do the floors last. In my head that’s where all of the dust and dirt lands as I’m cleaning above, so logically I would do it in that order. However, if John cleans the room, he may vacuum and then pick up the area and/or dust. It may not make sense to us. But, just because he did it differently, that doesn’t mean he is wrong. That doesn’t mean that MY way is the ONLY way to do something. And man, it will eat at me, but you know what? I’m going to keep my mouth shut because I am grateful for the help and because I don’t want to end up having to do it myself.

So, now let’s move on to something that I am all too familiar with. They call it “catastrophizing”. In essence, it’s an irrational thought that a lot of us will have where we actually believe something is much worse than it is in reality. I catch myself doing this often. Blowing things out of proportion is like second nature to me, when it comes to negative events or comments in relation to myself. For instance, I will say “Oh my God, the house is such a disaster.” When in reality it’s just a few things that need to be picked up and placed where they belong. But, all I could see was the negative blown way out of proportion. And yes…I’m laughing at myself right this instant. Because this is so me. Catastrophizing though only adds fuel to the fire, which just adds to the anxiety that we already have in our lives. So, this is something I have to work on. This is something that I can improve on and will. Because my sanity depends on it.

You may not know this. I didn’t know this. But, the Serenity Prayer is often used to help people who catastrophize things. And if this is you, and you have that kind of Faith – maybe it would help you, too! Even if you don’t have that kind of Faith, the words make perfect sense and you may still find comfort in them.

That only leaves me with fear. Fear is nothing but an anxious feeling caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience. And get this – the event or experience will most likely NOT EVEN OCCUR. Remember that when you’re afraid. Sure, there are instances where it will be in direct reaction to something…that’s not the kind of fear that I’m talking about though. The kind of fear I’m talking about is something like the fear of change.

And so we’ve come full circle now, when I say – in order to break free from fear, we have to then let go of control.

As I type this out, it sounds so much deeper than it actually is. But, it’s still true. And quite frankly, easy to do once you make the decision to do it. That’s the trick though; you have to want to do it. I don’t know about you, but as soon as that meant some of my anxiety would go away, I was on board with making that decision. I don’t need more anxiety than I already have!

So, here are some ways that I have learned to let go of the control.

Change your mindset. This is going to take practice and time. If you’ve made the decision to change, you’ll be more than willing to make time to practice it. But, this means you will have to stop being a perfectionist and understand that we all make ‘mistakes’. I have learned to become more comfortable with letting things go a bit and allowing someone else to take the wheel for me and drive. It might be uncomfortable at first, but in the end, it sure does take some of the load off.
Work on Yourself. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? I see a hot mess when I look into mine. But, that’s not going to get me anywhere good. So, the idea here is to create a sense of self-worth and to grow your self-esteem. If you have more confidence, you’ll be more certain of your decisions and also put that confidence into others.
Delegate Tasks. Now this isn’t saying that you need to put your entire workload onto the next person. But, it is saying that it is okay for you to ask for help from time to time; or even allow someone to assist you if they’ve offered. Let’s face it, the weight of the world is heavy at times and our to-do lists can get mighty lengthy. If you have children, a spouse or partner…anyone, don’t be afraid to assign them duties or items to check off that to-do list! I have a hard time asking for help. But, I’m learning that swallowing my pride and allowing for the assistance is a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Sometimes, things even get done more quickly than if I would have taken them all on myself!

Let’s not be afraid of change. I know I can’t afford to fear it. I need it in my life…and a lot of it. But, let that change move you in the right direction. It should be a positive direction with your end goal in mind. I’m not afraid anymore. No fear. And I’m certainly no longer afraid of change. I’ve seen the difference the tiniest of changes can make in my life. I’ve finally looked that monster in the eyes and told it I’m the one in charge now!

Irrational Thoughts That Cause Stress

By catastrophizing and thinking irrationally, we only cause ourselves more stress in the end. I’m guilty of being irrational in highly emotional situations. Hell, I’ll even go as far to say I can be irrational when I’m being stubborn. If any of the following thoughts pop up in your head, consider that you may not be thinking clearly:

It is essential to be loved/liked by everyone all of the time.
I can’t stand for anyone to be angry with me or to dislike me.
I must always be competent.
Making a mistake is terrible!
Every problem has a perfect solution.
I can’t change the way I am/think/feel.
I must not show weakness or cry.
Strong people do not ask for help.
Everything is within my control.
Everyone should see things the way that I do.
I am always right.
People should do what I want because they love me.
The world ought to be fair.

In most cases, these are all unrealistic expectations. I know first hand that it was not easy for me to ask for the help that I am now receiving. And I know that it takes a damned strong person to seek help when they need it. Don’t let pride get in your way. Ever. Emotions are nothing to be ashamed of, you are not always right, and mistakes do happen…we are human after all.

By relinquishing some control and thinking more clearly, you and I will both be leading lives that are at the very least, slightly less stressful.

Embrace Your Imperfections

December 28, 2016December 28, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

When hustle is winning the day, you might feel distracted, a lack of inspiration or like you can’t make a decision to save your life.

That’s okay! There are several areas of our lives that can be nurtured and cultivated with the common goal of our happiness in mind.

I, personally, can identify with all of the areas of cultivation. And I also believe them to be all relative. Maybe you’ll see what I mean as I go over each one.

Cultivating Authenticity – letting go of what people think.

Cultivating Self-Compassion – letting go of perfection; loving ourselves

Cultivating a Resilient Spirit – letting go of numbing and powerlessness; isolation; facing fears.

Cultivating Gratitude and Joy – letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark.

Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith – letting go of the need for certainty.

Cultivating Creativity – letting go of comparison.

Cultivating Play and Rest – letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self worth; clinging to your job; forgetting what you enjoy.

Cultivating Calm and Stillness – letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle.

Cultivating Meaningful Work – letting go of self doubt and “supposed to”.

Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance – letting go of being “cool” and always in control.

I’m sure that you can spot the common theme of “letting go”. But as I said previously, I believe they are all relative.

I specifically relate the most to authenticity, intuition and trusting faith and creativity. Those all seem to be weak points for me.

I’ve always cared about what people thought of me. Maybe it stems from my low self-esteem, in the need to seek approval. Not just that, but I think I’m a “mind reader” of sorts in always thinking that some people have negative opinions of me, regardless as to whether or not they have reason. The amount of energy consumed by these thoughts alone is very exhausting.

In letting go of the need for certainty, my goal is to try and remember that not everything needs to be set in stone. The only thing I need to be certain of, is who I am and who I want to be. At this point, I’m hoping the rest just kind of falls into place. I need to believe it will.

When I think of Cultivating Creativity, I automatically think about art. Something different and unique. But in this instance, it’s letting go of comparison. I can’t measure my happiness by someone else’s standards or ideas of what happiness should be. I also can’t worry about keeping up with the Jones family. Our values may be completely different and we might find happiness in different things. It’s not fair to myself to hold myself to someone else’s standards of what “good enough” might look like.

Like I said, I can relate to all of them in some form. But those three stand out to me the most.

I was told they are called the ten guide posts for wholehearted living.

As I work on me, as a whole, I may come back to these individually as blog topics. But there are too many other things to talk about right now.

It seems they hit me with something new every day.

For now I’ll leave you with a quote: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. ” – Brene Brown

Anger: Let’s Be Real

December 27, 2016December 27, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

When I started this blog, I wanted this to be something real and raw. Something that someone could read and relate to. I wanted this to be my journey to a better life. And, sure I’ve gone through some of the steps that I’ve been learning as of late. I’ve methodically planned out posts through subjects that I learn in Day Hospital “Group Sessions”.

What I haven’t done is said how I’ve felt along the way. Oops…that one kind of got away from me.

Let’s start at the beginning. Most people from meeting me in my daily life wouldn’t expect me to be where I am today. If you would have told me I’d be here fifteen years ago, I probably would have laughed at you. It’s of my belief, that everyone saw me as the ‘nice girl’. That girl who is so sweet and works really hard. They wouldn’t be wrong. Not by any means. The problem is that in life, as I previously blogged…nice guys finish last. And as you know by now, there are reasons for that.

It’s okay for people to see me as that nice person. Because generally, that’s who I am.

In hindsight, I have been very selective with the people that I have really let into my life. I have so many issues that run deeper than you can imagine through me. For one, I fear that everyone that becomes important to me in my life, will leave. It’s true. I can remember, since I was just a young girl, people leaving my life that I cared for in one way or another. Whether it be classmates that I lost during a move, people coming and going in life, or well…they died. My parents divorced when I was around five, my sisters and I were separated when I was around twelve and my Dad left again when I was right around fifteen. My so-called best friend of years and years left, so did the one after that…and the one after that. These things are all common things, but collectively they have ultimately led me to a fear of abandonment. These were all gigantic, influential moments in my life. Traumatic and scarring, even.

There were other things that happened in life along the way that did major damage to my self-esteem and my ability to cope with life itself. And I’ve fought all of the demons for years and years. I’ve crossed bridges, oceans, climbed mountains, jumped hurdles and even leaped through hoops to overcome. And I did a damn good job of forgiving. I would like to say the forgetting, too, but somehow things always manage to stick with me – I just try not to let them get to me.

Which leads me to the present. Where I have worn this mask for far too long.

I’ve been so strong for myself and everyone else around me. I go out of my way to be kind, even if I don’t feel like being nice. I am always willing to give, without taking more than my fair share. And have always been willing to help others without solicitation and without asking for anything in return. My problems were my own and I did my best not to burden those around me with them. That’s just who I am.

But I can’t wear the mask anymore.

Before things got this bad. Before I ended up at the Mental Hospital, I would try to reach out to people via social media (because hey – if it’s not on facebook, it must not be real, right?!). I would try to tell family that I was having issues here and there, but nothing major. I tried to occupy my time with things that would tear my mind away from the negativity and the storm that was brewing inside of me.

This is where things get sticky…

I’ve been in the Hospital now for over a week, with no site or sound of a possible release date. I’ve reached out to my family and loved ones yet again. I have virtually NO SUPPORT from anyone coming in. I’m so full of anger and resentment that it’s nearly blinded me. You have no idea how much this hurts or how bad it digs at me.

I have been by my family’s side in a heart beat, every single time they needed me. I have supported them in hardships, loved them when times were hard and did the same when things were easy. I’ve sent money, offered advice, whatever they needed. I’ve respected that they may not believe in mental health issues or the medications and/or Doctors that are behind it. And never have I asked for anything in return other than unconditional love and support. Is that really too much?!

I have one or two out of my one hundred fifty facebook friends that will talk to me or send me uplifting messages from time to time. But, there is no sight or sound coming from anyone else.

I keep telling myself that maybe they don’t know I need the support right now. But, I have told them I did. So, I tell myself maybe they don’t know how to show support. But, how could they not?

Today, I showed up at the Hospital, tears in my eyes, wrapped up in a blanket that I brought with me from home. It was something warm and comfortable. And then, as I scribbled on my morning check-in sheet, I had to recall the painful events of the weekend and how it transpired.

The Holidays are rough on me. I live across the country from my Family. And man, do I miss them. The anxiety set in and then I realized that I told them a week ago that I had checked into the Hospital…and that ever since I told them, not one of them has checked on me. I got the casual “Merry Christmas” message from my mother and one of my sisters. I just responded back “yeah. you too.” When I told them I had been hospitalized, I told them how hard it was for me to admit that I needed that help and how emotionally and mentally hard on me the whole situation was. And that I would appreciate all of the support that I could get. I haven’t seen any.

So yesterday, the anxiety became too much. It’s all a little blurry now. But, that ball inside of me reappeared. This empty, tight ball in my chest that I can never explain – but that puts so much pressure on me to do something – anything. So, I cut my wrist again. I let myself down. And as I rehashed the events to my Nurse, tears ran down my face. I explained to her how I wasn’t only angry with my family and that I didn’t just feel alone-but, that I had also let myself down. Today, no wise words pursed her lips, as usual. I had set myself back in my progress. I knew it and she knew it. She simply told me to refer to our teachings and that this was my slip up because I’m only human.

So, here I am. Very angry. Very bitter. I wish there was some switch that I could flip that would turn my expectations off, where it comes to people that I care about. This way, I would never be disappointed. But, it never fails. They will break my heart, every single time.

And how can I miss the people that hurt me so much? How can I allow them to live rent-free in my heart and head? To have any influence over me or my emotions? I’m so confused.

I feel so alone. I have some solace in group, where there are people that like me despite all of my open and honest flaws. But, that’s the only relief that I get. I dread when I get released ‘back into the world’ where I’ll be left with no one to understand how I feel again. I can only hope that the information that I’m posting here in my blogs sinks in and that I’m reinforcing it within my mind, body and soul every time I read and type. Because this was my last stop. This is where I was supposed to be “fixed”. And I know it doesn’t happen overnight. And that there is no magic pill that I can take to make everything alright. But, damn…

There was a seven year old girl killed on Christmas Day in an ATV accident. She was wearing her helmet. It’s sad when I question why she was taken with so much life ahead of her..when I could have been taken instead. She was just a kid and loving life.

And here I am, and I can’t find my way out of the darkness…I need to find my way out of the darkness.

And I will. I’m determined. Even if I have to light my own damned path.

How’s that for raw and real???

Just Say “No”.

December 26, 2016December 26, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

Let’s take a moment to talk about boundaries. I don’t know about you, but this subject is definitely one of my weaker areas. I often get manipulated and ran over because I don’t know how to set personal boundaries for myself. It’s the sad truth. People can and will take advantage of you, if you have no consistent boundaries placed. This also allows for the wrong kinds of people to enter your life.

During this lesson, I had to take a hard look at myself. Because I have a hard time saying “no” to people for one reason or another. I also have zero self-esteem and that’s because I’ve let others define who I am for far too long. I’ve made the decision, and I hope that you will make it with me, that now is the time to start putting my foot down. Now is the time to change. Because if I don’t make this change…it may end up costing me big in the end.

The main purpose for setting new boundaries is for protection. And by protection, I mean of your time, space, emotions, values, energy and anything else that is important to you. We have learned that others will try to punish us for having boundaries in place, which creates fear and holds us hostage to our emotions. But, we shouldn’t be so concerned with someone else’s thoughts and feelings that we end up being controlled by them.

Learn your limits. Set them in stone. Don’t compromise yourself for the sake of anyone else. I keep repeating this over and over to myself as I try to become a stronger person. If I have time, I’ll get to it. If I don’t have time, the world isn’t going to stop turning just because I wasn’t able to. That’s how I have to look at things right now.

And rather than wasting your time and my energy. If you’re interested in boundary setting-what it is and why it’s important-please view the two sheets I have linked below. I strongly encourage that you look into it and to participate in the boundary setting exercises. I have to learn to say “no”…and that saying “no” is just fine…

boundaries

keepinghealthyboundarieshandout

If you think you have good boundaries in place, don’t worry…I did, also. But, after further investigation I found that I’ve only been hurting myself in the long run. I was inconsistent and a pushover. Both are negatives in terms of boundaries. I had set unhealthy limits. If you skipped over the part above, where the worksheets were available to you, please don’t skip over this. Below are signs that you have unhealthy boundaries in your life and that they need to be changed.

Personally, I think I’ve fallen victim to at least one from each of the groups in the above photo. It’s not that I did it on purpose, I didn’t even realize it until I was reading the list in group. If you find that you fit into any of the above categories, please scroll back up and work on setting new boundaries for yourself. You’re the only person that can do anything about it.

If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me. I’m always willing to hear what others have to say. I’m also open to giving perspective and/or advice on the matter. But, I will not make any decisions for you. You have to be accountable for that.

I hope that you got something out of this, as I did. Remember, you’re no good to anyone else if you don’t put you and your own needs first.