Tag: acceptance

Goal Setting, For Dummies Like Me…

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So, as you know by now, I was admitted into a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at the local mental health facility.

I would describe my first day as being anxiety ridden and fearful.  I didn’t know what to expect and thought I was going to get nothing but static as I walked into the room.  They had computer issues that morning and were already late getting me over there, so everyone was there already when I arrived.

The day hospital is where my PHP takes place each day.  It’s nice because it’s in this little house away from the actual impatient hospital.  There are several offices inside, a full kitchenette, two bathrooms, a “Family Room” where our group sessions take place…and even a patio where we can step out for fresh air if need be.

As I walked through the door, I was asked to sign in on a sheet of paper that would log my time there in the facility.  I was then given a tour of the house.  And when I was told to find a place in the “Family Room”, I did so very slowly and hesitantly.  People were looking at me.  People of various ages, backgrounds and with different issues than mine (as far as I knew).  I was very quiet and kept to myself and felt like curling into a ball in my spot at the table.  Here and there, people would make small gestures of kindness…such as introducing themselves to me…but that uneasy feeling just didn’t want to leave me alone.

The first thing that happened was that I had to see my Nurse to have my vitals checked.  I have never met such a kind, inspiring person.  This Nurse is wonderful.  And I’m sure I’ll get more into her as my story develops.

That day, I was pulled in and out of the group room so many times….to see the doctor, to see the case worker, to talk to this/that person.  It was so chaotic.  I felt like I was missing out on every opportunity there was for me to gain anything from my situation.  But, there was one session that day I was able to take in completely.  And that happened to be the Nurse’s group on goal setting.

Here are the Guidelines for Goal Setting, as given by the Nurse.  The goals also had to be SMART.  If you’re anything like me, you’re completely thrown off when put in this position.  I had no idea what my goals should be be.  I was lost when she was going over the details of it all.  And to be honest, I felt quite overwhelmed.

Before I share with you what my personal goals were that day, I’ll give you a few notes that I took down in my journal as I listened to the Nurse speak.

  • Goals should ALWAYS be positive
  • one member of the group said this that resonated with me, “Goals make you live life intentionally.”
  • Life is like the Sea, without a compass we will drift and fall into chaos.  Goals create that compass for our life, providing us with direction to keep us from drifting.
  • Goals are NEVER to depend on anyone else.  And if someone else is involved in your goal, you MUST acquire their permission as the goal itself.
  • Your goal should be something that you REALLY want and should always be positive.
  • “Don’t ever put your hat where you can not reach it.”
  • Don’t expect to build a house in one day, first you must lay the foundation (small goals), then you can start adding bricks, and eventually you will have a house (a larger goal).
  • It is okay to be flexible with your goals, as long as you replace one goal with something positive that continues to work towards your larger goal.
  • In everything you do, think about what the benefit is.  If it comes back no good, empty or blank — let it go, it’s not for you.

Since this was the only part of the group’s day that I was part of, I participated.  I know that my overall goal is to find happiness again and to lead a more meaningful and happier life.  I want to find my light again.  But, to think of minimal goals for the weekend was tough for me.  So I sat there with my pen and paper and made the goals to: clip my dog’s toe nails, read two chapters of my book, to complete a worksheet I had been given earlier that day and to not bring harm to myself (self-harm/cutting).

As I was listening to everyone else’s goals for the weekend, I realized how small mine were and how simple they seemed to be accomplished.  When I said something about it, muttering to myself how silly they sounded, the Nurse spoke up.  She said it takes baby steps to achieve the bigger steps…and that if those things needed to be done, they were still good goals to have.

Over the course of the weekend, I referred to my sheet.  And as each goal (no matter how small it may have been) was checked off, I felt a sense of accomplishment and like I had done something to be proud of.  It sounds silly, but I encourage you to try it..and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

I don’t have a copy of the worksheet that I was given available to me, but you can create your own.  Simply say that you will _____________________________________ using the SMART acronym provided to you.  And as you achieve each goal, mark how you feel.  It should be quite the rewarding experience!

The Mind Trap

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I previously blogged about the myths surrounding me and my anxiety disorder.  If you missed it, you should definitely read it and I would encourage you to keep reading my blogs in the order in which I have them written.  The reason for this, is because this is my journey…these are things that I am learning for myself – and if you can relate to me at all, they may be things that you would also like to think about and/or experience.

When thinking of a mind trap, I think of falling into the belief that something has to be true because that’s the way it is and the way it always has been.  And I suppose that’s somewhat true.  Buying into falsehoods or myths definitely aren’t going to get me where I am hoping to end up.

So, while reading my book, I’ve learned of several ways that I can fall into this mind trap.

  1. Fusing thoughts, images, places, memories…meaning, I can associate certain thoughts “as if” they are the same thing as the event or circumstance that they describe.  When you think of fusion, it may be something that’s hard to understand.  For me to completely understand I had to do an exercise where I would take an experience and then list the first five things that come to mind.  Since humans have such judgmental minds, I allow those five individual thoughts to become the very experience that I described.  This gives the thought more importance in my brain that it truly deserves…and if that thought is negative, the impact it has on me is tremendously detrimental.
  2. Evaluating Experiences…by associating an experience with a thought or feeling and tagging it with a judgment .  I need to learn to take an experience and accept it for what it is – an experience.  Whether it’s bad or good, it’s still only an experience.  I tend to buy into and feed my negative judgments.  Often, this causes me more pain and increases my suffering.  It would be better in the long run if I let go of the judgments and left the experiences as unedited entities that have occurred.  Overthinking has always been a downfall of mine, though…and this one is going to be a tough habit to break.  My desire is to feed a more compassionate heart and to forgo feeding the Painful Wolf.
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  3. Avoiding Experiences…only provide me with temporary relief from the bad thoughts and feelings that I may associate with them.  That’s probably why I have done it for so long and continue to do it to this day.  This allows me to buy into the idea that my worries and anxieties are “bad”.  But, is that necessarily true?  I have a hard time believing it’s not.  But what I’ve been learning is that it’s only through experience that we learn who we do and do not want to become, or how we do or do not want to live.  I need these experiences to move towards the life that I so desperately want to live.  And through the negative experiences, I know what choices I want to make.  I was asked to read the story of the Emperor Moth in order to better understand the idea.

Am I ready to recognize the mind traps that have been baited and set before me?  I’m not sure.  I have acknowledged them, but it will probably take some time before I’m able to recognize them for what they are.  I know that I don’t want to stay stuck and feed into the struggle and negativity that I’ve been letting run my life for so long.

The following are the recommended exercises that I’ve been asked to learn in order to better observe my experiences.

  1. Mind Watching-“Imagine your mind is a medium-sized room with two doors.  Thoughts come in through the front door and leave out the back door.  First, watch each thought as it enters.  Keep watching to see what it is going to do next.  Don’t do anything with it.  Your only task here is simply to watch that thought.  Don’t engage it or argue with it.  Don’t analyze it.  It’s just a brief visitor to the room.  And when it’s ready to leave, let it go out the back door and do not try to hold on to it.  If you find that you’re judging yourself for having the thought, that’s fine.  Acknowledge that, but don’t bother to argue with yourself.  The key is to keep watching and noticing, but to not become emotionally invested into the thoughts and/or beliefs. Continue this until you feel an emotional distance from your thoughts-to where they are just a moment in the room and nothing more-no longer important and no longer requiring action.”  This has become one of my favorite forms of meditation and mind exercising.
  2. Mindful Walking-“When you walk you will notice that you do not have to think much about what your legs and body are doing.  They are seemingly on auto-pilot.  The goal here is to bring awareness to the experience.  So, as you walk, focus on your breathing and walk naturally as you bring your awareness to the rhythm of your steps and how your body feels as it moves.  If thoughts come, notice them and let them go, as you bring your attention back to just walking.  Feel your feet on the ground, your hips moving with each stride.  Note the sensations.  You should notice that you’re moving with your thoughts and feelings in tow, all going forward.  Silently repeat a mantra such as: I am whole, I am complete, I am in flow.  And when you’re finished walking, allow yourself a little bit of time to reflect upon your experience.”  This is something that I haven’t had much experience with, as I usually have some sort of company while walking.  But, this exercise would be great for someone who enjoys their own space or quiet time.
  3. Riding Out the Storm

This is where I think it will become difficult for me.  It’s sometimes difficult to notice when I’m caught up in the trap.  And sometimes I feed the wrong wolves.  But, the costs are high for me this time and this is an important step for me to take in order to get out of the anxiety/depression traps and back into my life.

Myths are a waste of time. They prevent Progression.

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It’s Christmas Eve and I’d like to wish anyone who reads my entries a Happy Holiday…just as a side note.

Pre-Blog Exercise:  If you choose to do this exercise with me, don’t think of the Pink Elephant in the room.

I’ve been learning about mental illnesses and the different types of worries, anxieties and fears that people experience.  Though, they are not exactly the same; they have so much in common.  There’s some comfort found in being able to label your suffering.  But, do you really want to be known for or as the label of your problem for the rest of your life?  I know that I don’t.

So many things have been pounded into our heads about our disorders by the Media, Doctors, even our peers.  You may have heard that anxiety is a disease like that of Cancer.  Or you may have heard that it is hereditary.  Some people even believe that herbal remedies and diet changes can even alter your disorder.  There are so many things that we are told that it almost becomes something more in itself…a whole new level of anxiety, for dealing with our anxiety.  How is that helpful? It isn’t.

Anxiety is Hereditary

Think about this one for a moment.  Go ahead…

You may notice that your mother or siblings all struggle with some sort of anxiety problem.  “It runs in my family” has probably popped into your head once or twice.  And though on the outside, it appears to be true, this is in fact false.

If you say “it runs in my family”, take a minute to think about that statement.  If your mother suffers from it and your siblings suffer from it, could it not also be true that from watching your mother’s behavior you have learned to react to certain situations in specific ways?  It might even be that you have inherited the predisposition of anxious behavior, just like you inherit a predisposition to be athletic, extroverted or a fast learner.  But, that isn’t the same thing as inheriting a disorder.  Remember what you can and can’t control.  And you can control your actions/reactions when you are feeling anxious.

Intense Anxiety is Not Normal

If you have an anxiety disorder, like I do, you know that at times it can be extremely intense.  The fact that I couldn’t deal with it on my own, is part of the reason why I am seeking help for it now.

But does that mean that intense anxiety isn’t normal?  No.

Think of moments of fear, like on a rollercoaster.  Or maybe you have been through a natural disaster (such as a tornado).  The feelings you get are very intense at the time, but they are temporary for most.  In fact, they’re quite normal.  The feelings that you have in those moments are not stopping you from leading the life you want to live.  The problem comes when you don’t know how to take those thoughts and feelings with you and they interfere and become barriers to the life we want to lead.

Anxiety Makes You Weak

All human beings have suffering.  Without suffering, there is no compassion.  It’s built into us.  It’s part of who we are.

I know that it can be hard to understand and believe at times.  Hell, I view myself as broken, faulted and as if I have a personality defect.  You might be laughing, but it’s been pounded into my head by everyone around me that there is something wrong with me.  It’s the great illusion fueled by your own mind on what “perfect” must look like.  The other thing that will always be an issue is the idea that we must compare ourselves to others.  This happens to me when I see people out and about, doing happy things and living so-called happy lives.  I become envious of what they must have that they appear to be so happy.  It makes me feel as though I’m missing something that they must have.

These things don’t make me weak, though.  They simply make me human.

To Live Happy, You Have To Be Happy

“In order to live better, I must first think and feel better.  And once I start thinking and feeling better, my life will improve for the better.”  Heed the warning, this is nothing more than a trap!

This has been a trap that has caught me so many times that it’s not funny anymore.  Not that it was even laughable to begin with.  But, it’s common.  And in lame man’s terms, it’s says that your pain is so “bad” that you shouldn’t think about it or deal with it…it should be pushed down and avoided.  Do you know how exhausting it is to push down this enormous amount of pain and to hold it down, just to look like you are happy?  I found that it’s a temporary relief from what I might have been feeling, but that band aid isn’t going to hold!

The idea that you can rid yourself of pain may also leave you using objects or people as a crutch.  I’m like this with certain people.  They are my “safe people”.  Meaning, as long as they are around, I might feel a little more at ease and a bit more relaxed.  But, at the same time, I’m waiting for the ball to drop!

I will say this – it may all feel good in the moment, to feel as though you have managed or avoided your anxiety, but that’s a short-term feeling.  And if you look further at it, you’ll find out that there are boundaries that come with it, limiting you as to what you can do.  First hand, I’ve spent so much time trying to manage and control my anxiety, that it’s taken away from the things that I care about in my life.  In turn, causing me more anxiety and at times even shutting me completely down.

The Hard Truth

The hard truth is that I’m not going to find a cure for my anxiety in a pill, person, place or thing.  My mind is going to try to tell me otherwise, I know.  And those times are going to be difficult to deal with – but, hey this is what I signed up for by taking the path to self-discovery.  Experience tells me that these temporary fixes are just that…temporary.

The myths are all very limiting and set boundaries on what my happy life could be.  They become obstacles in my path of finding that happiness that I so long for; a barrier between me and the life I want to live.

I have let worry, anxiety and depression rule my life for far too long.  I am more than a PTSD diagnosis and so is my life.  It’s time I let go of the lies I’ve always known and come to believe that there is a way I can carry the “pain” with me, while living the life I’ve always wanted to live.

If you’re going on this journey with me, maybe we can figure all of this out together…

To get something new,  I must do something new…

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I’m going to start this post out with a quote.

“If I continue to do what I’ve always done,  I’m going to get what I always got.” – unknown

I didn’t choose this path in life.   I didn’t choose to be anxious or fearful.   These two things pull me into the darkest places I’ve ever seen; I would never choose to live this way.   And now I’m learning that I do,  in fact,  have choices.   There is the tiniest bit of light at the end of my long and dark tunnel.   That light is where I’m wanting to find hope again. 

This is going to take some serious commitment,  but I have to do something.   So,  it’s time to ACT (accept-choose-take action)!

ACT

I’ve been told that the first step to anything is admitting that something exists.   In this case, it will be my anxiety and depression issues.  It’s a big deal for me to accept these issues as things that are a part of me as a being.   But,  they are.   And by accepting that,  I theoretically should be able to come to terms with my unwanted thoughts and/or feelings. 

The next step I’m learning is to choose a direction for my life to head in.   It’s where your focus lies.   I’ve found that no one can answer this question for you…you’re going to have to think of it yourself.   The decision process will need to include your personal values and what things in life are important to you.  You may even have to reevaluate what’s important to you from time to time – but you know what?  That’s just fine!  

The last step is to finally take action.   It’s here where you have to take into consideration the things you can and can not control or change.  This is also where you make choices and decisions to move towards the direction of your chosen values. 

My Commitment to Change

Personally,  I want to find my inner peace again.   I’m currently in a constant war inside my own head and neither side is winning the battle.   I’m being drug out of my life and into a constant state of misery.   I’ve identified my own need to once again find happiness.   And this means not letting the days just pass by,  but to live a meaningful and full life.   A life where I can acknowledge my fears and anxiety,  but where they are no longer in charge. 

I’ve identified a few obstacles that may get in the way.  These obstacles are only hypothetical and I came up with them on a whim.   But they are subject to include money or financial ability,  people that may place restrictions on my personal goals,  and fear – both of failure and pain. 

I know that I said this was going to be a bumpy ride…and it will be for me…but I am one hundred percent invested in this.   There is no looking back for me.   I’m out of options.   So with my goals clearly in sight,  I’m fresh into the beginnings of what is sure to be one hell of a journey. 

Am I ready to choose a new approach with my anxieties,  fears and worries?  You bet your ass that I am.  Is this all scary?  Yes…yes,  it is.   But change can be scary and liberating at the same time.   This is the risk I’m willing to take…

Let’s get this show on the road…wherever it may take us…