anger

Aren’t We?

January 13, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

The featured image says it all, does it not? And the title of the blog probably takes it one step further.

You know my story if you have been following my blog at all. You know my situation and the roads I’ve been down. And that I’m now on the path to a happy and healthy recovery…

Yesterday, I had to do it. I had to tell my family how I felt about their lack of support and I was very brutal and honest about it. In fact, I’m sure it probably hurt them or angered them a bit. I wouldn’t know — as I have not heard back from them as of tonight. I do know that my one sister finds some humor in it, with snide remarks and emojis in reaction to facebook posts. LOL — facebook. I hate that shit. If it wasn’t for my photography and other crafting site, I wouldn’t even be on it most likely. There is no point, just everyone poking their noses into everyone else’s business, making false assumptions and accusations over shit that they know nothing about. It makes me laugh if I post a quote or something and someone thinks it’s about them. Typically, it has something to do with me and my self-growth. But still, they make it about them.

My other sister hasn’t said anything. She was so gung-ho about calling the police from across the Country to have them put me into the hospital where I couldn’t hurt myself. She was so on board with having them pick me up from work or home and have them carry me off “to safety.” Then, all was good for the moment and nothing came of it. But, then I hit a really, really rough patch and went to rock bottom. I went in for the mental evaluation and I ADMITTED MYSELF into the facility. What happened to her enthusiasm to help me? What happened to making sure I was okay? Did she think it was some kind of joke? That I wasn’t really capable of doing anything to physically injure myself or destroy myself mentally and emotionally? I was. Was I ever. But, when I was there…you guessed it, no word from her. Still no word to this day.

I texted my Mother for the first three days I was there, because I thought that she cared about what I was going through. I thought she would find some comfort in seeing the building I was being treated at and in my telling her what I was doing during the days and how I was feeling. She wasn’t to be heard from either.

It was like I didn’t exist and that this never happened in their eyes.

Anyways, back to the subject at hand. I told them how I felt they were not supportive of me during my biggest time of need. And how I felt I’ve always supported them in theirs and that I’ve never asked for anything or wanted anything from any of them. But, when this hospitalization came into play, I needed all of the support I could get. I still do. And as I told them, I’ve had a support system of ONE.

Luckily, I now have a couple of Support Groups to attend and other things that make me happy that I’m playing around with. I feel good.

So, I felt it was time to confront them about how I had been feeling. And this was a heavy and long message. I didn’t hold back and it was straight from my heart and soul. And even though I knew there may have been consequences to the message, I felt so good after I sent it. Because I was tying up just one more loose end. I asked for closure and either way this goes, it’s closure for me. I was ready for a war, some nasty comments, some hurt feelings….and I’m still ready. I can deal with this now because I came out the other end stronger and with my head up high. Now I’m in control of how I’m made to feel. Not that I don’t still have my big ass heart; because I do. But, I have to cut off the pain and weight of worry and negativity.

It’s incredible. The feeling that you’ve done something for purely yourself for the first time in your life.

I love my family dearly with my whole heart. But, they weren’t there when I needed them. They couldn’t be bothered for not even a five minute text message during my two week hospital stay. A TEXT?! Like you could literally send it any time of the day or night just to ask how someone is doing…it makes no sense to me. But, that’s my perspective and my feelings. Theirs could be totally different.

I don’t know. I’m ready for whatever comes my way though. I do know that. I’m kicking this year’s ass so far; barging through every door that opens for me…..and so many have opened. I’m feeling great, my positivity is up and instead of spinning my tires in the mud, I’m making some real progress.

It doesn’t matter if anyone else is proud of me. I’m proud of me. And I’m going to be okay. I’m on the road to recovery, there are going to be bumps and curves. But, I got this.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

January 7, 2017January 6, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

During my two week stay at the Hospital, one of the group sessions was about making a change in your life. And let’s be honest…I could make some good changes to my mindset and life. So with my happiness as a goal, I was very attentive to the instructor and ready to fill out my Change Plan Worksheet Outline.

If you want to follow along with me, here is a copy of the Change Plan Worksheet. You can print this out or review it to decide what kind of changes may fit your personal goals and growth towards a happier you.

Here, is where I’m going to go step-by-step through my own. This will not only give you an example, but will also show you that even small changes can make a big difference. And the more small changes that you make, the bigger the change is to the larger picture. I hope you understand where I’m coming from. If not, feel free to leave me questions in the comments section below.

The changes I want to make are: to set up personal boundaries for myself and to not be so hard on myself or take on the worries of the world.
- List specific areas or ways in which you want to change: I need to say “NO” more often and realize that it’s not selfish to take care of myself; not faulting myself.
- Include positive goals (beginning, increasing, improving behaviors): increasing my personal levels of happiness and positivity. Increasing the number of thoughts that I “challenge”.
The most important reasons why I want to make these changes are: to be a happier & healthier version of myself. Because my life depends on it.
- What are some likely consequences of action and inaction: I could end up with a different outlook on life and a more positive mindset. The other consequence could be a life full of unhappiness and anger; leading to the possibilities of suicide.
- Which motivations for change seem most important to you? My ultimate happiness and quality of life need to be improved.
The steps I plan to take in changes are: to take baby steps and to worry less about what people think of what my choices are or what I’m doing.
- How do you plan to achieve the goals? By first achieving smaller goals that will accumulate to change the bigger picture in my life.
- Within the general plan, what are some specific first steps you might take? Setting healthy and clear boundaries for myself; begin cultivating the life that I want to lead and making the changes that I think are in my best interest.
- When, where and how will these steps be taken? They will begin with today, it will take a lot of emotional and mental energy. So, I plan to take them on one by one…individually, so that I do not add to my anxiety and/or become overwhelmed.
The ways other people can help me are: Others can hold me accountable for the goals that I’ve made clear to them.
- List specific ways that others can help support you in your change attempt: Supporting my decisions and doing what they can to ensure that I follow through with my goals.
- How will you go about eliciting others’ support? I plan on stating my goals clearly to a hand full of people. Then, it will be important for me to acknowledge issues as they arise and getting their help with challenging the unhelpful thought or in eliminating my discouragement.
I will know that my plan is working if: I am meeting my short-term, smaller goals to achieve progress towards a larger outcome.
- What do you hope will happen as a result of the change? I hope that I can find hope, peace, personal happiness and the light that I know can shine out of me.
- What benefits can you expect form the change? A more consistent and positive mindset. Hopefully to feel more at ease within my own skin, more confident, and less worrisome with whatever anyone else thinks or with burdens that are not my own to carry.
Some things that could interfere with my plans are: Relapse, not following through, people in general with their negative thoughts and attitudes that will only bring me down.
- Anticipate situations or changes that could undermine the plan: There are situations where someone may disagree with what I say I need for myself. There are people who may question whether or not I am competent. There will always be someone that is just sitting on that back burner waiting for me to fail – and they would absolutely love it.
  - What could go wrong? I could not achieve goals that I have set for myself or an event or person could interfere with my progress, only holding me back.
  - How might you stick with the plan despite the changes and/or setbacks? I will challenge myself by attempting to change my own perspective. I will be more flexible and if I cannot achieve one goal, I will substitute it by completing another. I will realize that other people are not living my life and that there are always ways to go around or over each obstacle put in my path.

My personal goals may be humorous to you. But, they are mine. You get to decide what kind of goals to make for yourself and ONLY yourself. You cannot depend on anyone else to make the desired changes to your life for you. That’s unreasonable and impossible. And you can’t do nothing and expect things to end up differently. This is a decision that you have to make for yourself. And that you will have to follow through with, for yourself. You can ask for help from others, by asking to be held accountable for your desired changes. But, after that….it’s all up to you. By being held accountable, it’s asking for support – but that person isn’t going to force you to make the change that you already said you wanted. And when you get discouraged, keep looking at the horizon. It’s in front of you, not behind you. Don’t be afraid of making smaller goals or changes. Because after completing a couple of those, you’ll be headed in the right direction!

I wish you luck and am sending my support. You now know a portion of the goals I’ve set out to achieve through intensive group therapy. I plan to continue sharing….

Here are two more handouts that you may find helpful in this process. I encourage you to at least read them over and think about them for a while:

Part 1 – Challenging My Unhelpful Idea

Part 2- Recognizing Discouragement, Out-thinking Discouragement, Seeking Out Encouragement, & Courage/Inner Strength Building Plan

Decluttering My Life

January 6, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I have been a little absent from my blog as of late, I apologize. I’ve been wanting to write more – and I will. But, I’ve been working on me a little bit more and that means some things have been sacrificed in the process.

I talked about something called “cultivating your environment” in a different blog entry. Well, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. The first day, I took everything out of the office closet and designated it into three groups: it has a purpose & keep it, donate it, or trash it. I did this by asking myself if whatever I had in my hand actually contributed anything to my life and if it had a purpose for later. If I could answer “no” to either question, it was gone. I didn’t second guess myself and I had made the decision on the spot. I can see my closet now! And…even better than that…it’s really organized and everything is in it’s own place. Holy cow. It.is.possible. Who knew?!

And if you know anything about me from prior posts, it’s that I am one of the most indecisive people in the world. I can’t make decisions to save my life. But, the fact that I could choose what to do with an item based on a couple of simple questions I asked myself, that feeling is something else! It gave me a sense of accomplishment, like I’m moving in the right direction. It also gave me confidence to do the things I had been afraid to do for so long. In the end, and most importantly, it gave me a sense of happiness.

The next day, I took a corner of the office, itself, one at a time and threw away anything that didn’t belong. I did the exact same thing I did with the closet. Asked myself the questions and followed through accordingly. I even started a change jar! All of the change I find or have in my pockets, etc will go into this sole jar. And either when it’s full or at a certain time of the year (I haven’t decided THAT much yet!), it will be brought to the bank and cashed in for a few extra dollars. It doesn’t seem like I could possibly go wrong with that!

On the third day, I tackled the bathroom and the linen closet. This might not sound like much to you, but trust me – there was so much junk in both. Three trash bags later and I was done. I created so much more space! I even folded all of the towels differently to create more space for them in the linen closet, instead of just kind of stuffing them in there. I threw away a ton of dog items that were expired. The list just goes on and on. But, I feel really good after just a few days of decluttering so far.

This feels like real progress. And Im not feeling overwhelmed or anxious when I go into these rooms now. That’s the best part.

My home hasn’t felt like “home” to me in quite some time. And the clutter has been looming over me for years. It’s so nice to take a breath and just be comfortable where I am instead of isolating myself to the bedroom or something silly like that. I can live here again and be okay. At least that’s what I think will happen by the time that I’m done.

I did some research on essential oils, also. And found that lavender oil is good for creating a relaxing, calming environment. I found a wax melter, too, at a local thrift store. So, when I am done decluttering, the plan is to spread my diffusers and the wax melter to the major parts of my home in hopes of cultivating even more of that relaxing environment that I desperately need.

I walked into the Shelter today for the first time since hospitalization. Man, was I nervous. But they were so warm and welcoming to me. I almost cried at one point because I truly loved my job at the time that I was hitting rock bottom. But, for me – I need to take my time in jumping back into anything. Causing myself any extra stress, anxiety or discomfot would not be helping myself to heal. It would be hurting the goals that I’ve set for myself to complete in my own time; however much time that may take. I can’t force myself to take on more than I think I can handle right now. It hurts to think anyone there may not understand or to think that they may hate me for leaving. But, those could just be thoughts in my head that I need to challenge and deem them as unwanted. I don’t know.

Right now, though, it’s just back to the basics for me. Sleep is not coming easily either. Which makes things just a little more difficult. It takes me forever to fall asleep. And once I do, I’m awake every three hours or so. I’m so frustrated with it. Which means, I’ll end up having another uncomfortable talk with my Doctor next week. Whatever, it’s for the best, I guess.

So, in addition to decluttering my house, I’ve also initiated the process of decluttering my life. If there are any negative people in my life, that drag me down on a regular basis, I realize now that they need to go – no matter how much they mean to me. I can’t sacrifice myself for them anymore. I might even try to talk to them and help them to understand what they do to me. It boils down to if they can’t find a way to be a more positive and helpful influence and/or be encouraging in my life; they need to go. Easier said than done. But, that’s the decision I’ve made. And it’s a good one.

All in all, this journey is a difficult one. But, I’m putting one foot in front of the other and even if I’m only moving a few inches at a time…at least I’m moving. And I’m moving forward instead of backwards.

One more thing, before I forget. Along with the change jar and the decluttering, I’ve started a “positive thoughts jar”. This allows you to sit down when you’re having an up day and jot down a few random positive thoughts or feelings. You can do this every day or just on any day you feel positive. And then when those down days come, because you KNOW that they will, you can open your jar and read your own positive thoughts to remind you that not every day is a bad day. We often forget about the good days when our downward spiral begins. I’m guilty of it for sure. So don’t forget to also declutter yourself of those unwanted, unhelpful and soul eating negative thoughts/feelings.

Thank you for listening to my ranting. Or rather, reading it. Keep your heads held high and know that you are in the driving seat. You’re the one holding the pen when writing your story, not someone else. So, make it a damned good one. I believe that you can. I know that you can. If anything, witness the beginnings of my transformation and revamp. I’m living proof that things can change.

Let’s Get Personal.

January 2, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

This photo really symbolizes where I am at in my recovery. I’ve had a lot of positive days over the last couple of weeks, but there have been a couple of times that I have stumbled, fallen and had to get right back up to try again. Every day is a fight. But it IS possible.

Yesterday, nothing could help me. I hurt myself, again. And it was all because I couldn’t stop the storm from brewing inside of me. The overwhelming sensation of everything that needs to be done on the path of my journey…

I tell you what. This war I am fighting, it’s exhausting. In every sense of the word. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I am drained. And I haven’t even done much yet other than having kept my head above water and survived yet another day in a long series of days that are the culmination of my life.

And ever since my medication changed AGAIN…my sleep problems are endless. I can’t get enough of it, or it’s broken and feels as though I’m awake all night long. Thankfully, I’ll meet with my Doctor next week and hopefully we can figure this out.
I know I don’t say “Thank You” enough to the people who deserve to hear it. And I am so thankful for the few people that I have that reach out to me during my struggles. Please know, I am thankful for you. I really am. From the bottom of my heart. I am. My heart aches, as I know that there is nothing anyone can say or do to solve this problem for me-this one is mine and mine alone. It can’t be any better until I make solid decisions within myself, which I have already started doing, to change my behaviors, my thoughts and my lifestyle.

I’m beginning to notice my “triggers” and that has been increasingly helpful. I have my mood tracker set and I can mark any time that my mood changes, so that maybe I can find a pattern or circumstance for any of this happening.

I joined a Support Group this past Saturday. You may have heard of NAMI, but for any of you that have not…I encourage you to look it up. Even if you aren’t suffering from some sort of mental illness, if you’re a friend/family member to someone that is, they have tools for you. It’s not much of a step taken. But, it has helped me find a group of people that share some of my same concerns, issues and thoughts. It’s some form of comfort to me in knowing that I don’t have to be alone.

I’m going to go into my diagnosis a little deeper in my next blog. And I think I need to throw out there some things that people should/should not say or do in response to my ‘illness’. The reasoning for that is because I’m so tired of hearing the same things that just throw more fuel into the fire. It’s no one’s fault. But, maybe I can do something to help prevent it from happening as much.

Until then…

Anger: Let’s Be Real

December 27, 2016December 27, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

When I started this blog, I wanted this to be something real and raw. Something that someone could read and relate to. I wanted this to be my journey to a better life. And, sure I’ve gone through some of the steps that I’ve been learning as of late. I’ve methodically planned out posts through subjects that I learn in Day Hospital “Group Sessions”.

What I haven’t done is said how I’ve felt along the way. Oops…that one kind of got away from me.

Let’s start at the beginning. Most people from meeting me in my daily life wouldn’t expect me to be where I am today. If you would have told me I’d be here fifteen years ago, I probably would have laughed at you. It’s of my belief, that everyone saw me as the ‘nice girl’. That girl who is so sweet and works really hard. They wouldn’t be wrong. Not by any means. The problem is that in life, as I previously blogged…nice guys finish last. And as you know by now, there are reasons for that.

It’s okay for people to see me as that nice person. Because generally, that’s who I am.

In hindsight, I have been very selective with the people that I have really let into my life. I have so many issues that run deeper than you can imagine through me. For one, I fear that everyone that becomes important to me in my life, will leave. It’s true. I can remember, since I was just a young girl, people leaving my life that I cared for in one way or another. Whether it be classmates that I lost during a move, people coming and going in life, or well…they died. My parents divorced when I was around five, my sisters and I were separated when I was around twelve and my Dad left again when I was right around fifteen. My so-called best friend of years and years left, so did the one after that…and the one after that. These things are all common things, but collectively they have ultimately led me to a fear of abandonment. These were all gigantic, influential moments in my life. Traumatic and scarring, even.

There were other things that happened in life along the way that did major damage to my self-esteem and my ability to cope with life itself. And I’ve fought all of the demons for years and years. I’ve crossed bridges, oceans, climbed mountains, jumped hurdles and even leaped through hoops to overcome. And I did a damn good job of forgiving. I would like to say the forgetting, too, but somehow things always manage to stick with me – I just try not to let them get to me.

Which leads me to the present. Where I have worn this mask for far too long.

I’ve been so strong for myself and everyone else around me. I go out of my way to be kind, even if I don’t feel like being nice. I am always willing to give, without taking more than my fair share. And have always been willing to help others without solicitation and without asking for anything in return. My problems were my own and I did my best not to burden those around me with them. That’s just who I am.

But I can’t wear the mask anymore.

Before things got this bad. Before I ended up at the Mental Hospital, I would try to reach out to people via social media (because hey – if it’s not on facebook, it must not be real, right?!). I would try to tell family that I was having issues here and there, but nothing major. I tried to occupy my time with things that would tear my mind away from the negativity and the storm that was brewing inside of me.

This is where things get sticky…

I’ve been in the Hospital now for over a week, with no site or sound of a possible release date. I’ve reached out to my family and loved ones yet again. I have virtually NO SUPPORT from anyone coming in. I’m so full of anger and resentment that it’s nearly blinded me. You have no idea how much this hurts or how bad it digs at me.

I have been by my family’s side in a heart beat, every single time they needed me. I have supported them in hardships, loved them when times were hard and did the same when things were easy. I’ve sent money, offered advice, whatever they needed. I’ve respected that they may not believe in mental health issues or the medications and/or Doctors that are behind it. And never have I asked for anything in return other than unconditional love and support. Is that really too much?!

I have one or two out of my one hundred fifty facebook friends that will talk to me or send me uplifting messages from time to time. But, there is no sight or sound coming from anyone else.

I keep telling myself that maybe they don’t know I need the support right now. But, I have told them I did. So, I tell myself maybe they don’t know how to show support. But, how could they not?

Today, I showed up at the Hospital, tears in my eyes, wrapped up in a blanket that I brought with me from home. It was something warm and comfortable. And then, as I scribbled on my morning check-in sheet, I had to recall the painful events of the weekend and how it transpired.

The Holidays are rough on me. I live across the country from my Family. And man, do I miss them. The anxiety set in and then I realized that I told them a week ago that I had checked into the Hospital…and that ever since I told them, not one of them has checked on me. I got the casual “Merry Christmas” message from my mother and one of my sisters. I just responded back “yeah. you too.” When I told them I had been hospitalized, I told them how hard it was for me to admit that I needed that help and how emotionally and mentally hard on me the whole situation was. And that I would appreciate all of the support that I could get. I haven’t seen any.

So yesterday, the anxiety became too much. It’s all a little blurry now. But, that ball inside of me reappeared. This empty, tight ball in my chest that I can never explain – but that puts so much pressure on me to do something – anything. So, I cut my wrist again. I let myself down. And as I rehashed the events to my Nurse, tears ran down my face. I explained to her how I wasn’t only angry with my family and that I didn’t just feel alone-but, that I had also let myself down. Today, no wise words pursed her lips, as usual. I had set myself back in my progress. I knew it and she knew it. She simply told me to refer to our teachings and that this was my slip up because I’m only human.

So, here I am. Very angry. Very bitter. I wish there was some switch that I could flip that would turn my expectations off, where it comes to people that I care about. This way, I would never be disappointed. But, it never fails. They will break my heart, every single time.

And how can I miss the people that hurt me so much? How can I allow them to live rent-free in my heart and head? To have any influence over me or my emotions? I’m so confused.

I feel so alone. I have some solace in group, where there are people that like me despite all of my open and honest flaws. But, that’s the only relief that I get. I dread when I get released ‘back into the world’ where I’ll be left with no one to understand how I feel again. I can only hope that the information that I’m posting here in my blogs sinks in and that I’m reinforcing it within my mind, body and soul every time I read and type. Because this was my last stop. This is where I was supposed to be “fixed”. And I know it doesn’t happen overnight. And that there is no magic pill that I can take to make everything alright. But, damn…

There was a seven year old girl killed on Christmas Day in an ATV accident. She was wearing her helmet. It’s sad when I question why she was taken with so much life ahead of her..when I could have been taken instead. She was just a kid and loving life.

And here I am, and I can’t find my way out of the darkness…I need to find my way out of the darkness.

And I will. I’m determined. Even if I have to light my own damned path.

How’s that for raw and real???