Tag: cognitive therapy

Anger: Let’s Be Real

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When I started this blog, I wanted this to be something real and raw.  Something that someone could read and relate to.  I wanted this to be my journey to a better life.  And, sure I’ve gone through some of the steps that I’ve been learning as of late.  I’ve methodically planned out posts through subjects that I learn in Day Hospital “Group Sessions”.

What I haven’t done is said how I’ve felt along the way.  Oops…that one kind of got away from me.

Let’s start at the beginning.  Most people from meeting me in my daily life wouldn’t expect me to be where I am today.  If you would have told me I’d be here fifteen years ago, I probably would have laughed at you.  It’s of my belief, that everyone saw me as the ‘nice girl’.  That girl who is so sweet and works really hard.  They wouldn’t be wrong.  Not by any means.  The problem is that in life, as I previously blogged…nice guys finish last.  And as you know by now, there are reasons for that.

It’s okay for people to see me as that nice person.  Because generally, that’s who I am.

In hindsight, I have been very selective with the people that I have really let into my life.  I have so many issues that run deeper than you can imagine through me.  For one, I fear that everyone that becomes important to me in my life, will leave.  It’s true.  I can remember, since I was just a young girl, people leaving my life that I cared for in one way or another.  Whether it be classmates that I lost during a move, people coming and going in life, or well…they died.  My parents divorced when I was around five, my sisters and I were separated when I was around twelve and my Dad left again when I was right around fifteen.  My so-called best friend of years and years left, so did the one after that…and the one after that.  These things are all common things, but collectively they have ultimately led me to a fear of abandonment.  These were all gigantic, influential moments in my life.  Traumatic and scarring, even.

There were other things that happened in life along the way that did major damage to my self-esteem and my ability to cope with life itself.  And I’ve fought all of the demons for years and years.  I’ve crossed bridges, oceans, climbed mountains, jumped hurdles and even leaped through hoops to overcome.  And I did a damn good job of forgiving.  I would like to say the forgetting, too, but somehow things always manage to stick with me – I just try not to let them get to me.

Which leads me to the present. Where I have worn this mask for far too long.

I’ve been so strong for myself and everyone else around me.  I go out of my way to be kind, even if I don’t feel like being nice.  I am always willing to give, without taking more than my fair share.  And have always been willing to help others without solicitation and without asking for anything in return.  My problems were my own and I did my best not to burden those around me with them.  That’s just who I am.

But I can’t wear the mask anymore.

Before things got this bad.  Before I ended up at the Mental Hospital, I would try to reach out to people via social media (because hey – if it’s not on facebook, it must not be real, right?!).  I would try to tell family that I was having issues here and there, but nothing major.  I tried to occupy my time with things that would tear my mind away from the negativity and the storm that was brewing inside of me.

This is where things get sticky…

I’ve been in the Hospital now for over a week, with no site or sound of a possible release date.  I’ve reached out to my family and loved ones yet again.  I have virtually NO SUPPORT from anyone coming in.  I’m so full of anger and resentment that it’s nearly blinded me.  You have no idea how much this hurts or how bad it digs at me.

I have been by my family’s side in a heart beat, every single time they needed me.  I have supported them in hardships, loved them when times were hard and did the same when things were easy.  I’ve sent money, offered advice, whatever they needed.  I’ve respected that they may not believe in mental health issues or the medications and/or Doctors that are behind it.  And never have I asked for anything in return other than unconditional love and support.  Is that really too much?!

I have one or two out of my one hundred fifty facebook friends that will talk to me or send me uplifting messages from time to time.  But, there is no sight or sound coming from anyone else.

I keep telling myself that maybe they don’t know I need the support right now.  But, I have told them I did.  So, I tell myself maybe they don’t know how to show support.  But, how could they not?

Today, I showed up at the Hospital, tears in my eyes, wrapped up in a blanket that I brought with me from home.  It was something warm and comfortable.  And then, as I scribbled on my morning check-in sheet, I had to recall the painful events of the weekend and how it transpired.

The Holidays are rough on me.  I live across the country from my Family.  And man, do I miss them.  The anxiety set in and then I realized that I told them a week ago that I had checked into the Hospital…and that ever since I told them, not one of them has checked on me.  I got the casual “Merry Christmas” message from my mother and one of my sisters.  I just responded back “yeah. you too.”  When I told them I had been hospitalized, I told them how hard it was for me to admit that I needed that help and how emotionally and mentally hard on me the whole situation was.  And that I would appreciate all of the support that I could get.  I haven’t seen any.

So yesterday, the anxiety became too much.  It’s all a little blurry now.  But, that ball inside of me reappeared.  This empty, tight ball in my chest that I can never explain – but that puts so much pressure on me to do something – anything.  So, I cut my wrist again.  I let myself down.  And as I rehashed the events to my Nurse, tears ran down my face.  I explained to her how I wasn’t only angry with my family and that I didn’t just feel alone-but, that I had also let myself down.  Today, no wise words pursed her lips, as usual.  I had set myself back in my progress.  I knew it and she knew it.  She simply told me to refer to our teachings and that this was my slip up because I’m only human.

So, here I am.  Very angry.  Very bitter.  I wish there was some switch that I could flip that would turn my expectations off, where it comes to people that I care about.  This way, I would never be disappointed.  But, it never fails.  They will break my heart, every single time.

And how can I miss the people that hurt me so much?  How can I allow them to live rent-free in my heart and head?  To have any influence over me or my emotions?  I’m so confused.

I feel so alone.  I have some solace in group, where there are people that like me despite all of my open and honest flaws.  But, that’s the only relief that I get.  I dread when I get released ‘back into the world’ where I’ll be left with no one to understand how I feel again.  I can only hope that the information that I’m posting here in my blogs sinks in and that I’m reinforcing it within my mind, body and soul every time I read and type.  Because this was my last stop.  This is where I was supposed to be “fixed”.  And I know it doesn’t happen overnight.  And that there is no magic pill that I can take to make everything alright.  But, damn…

There was a seven year old girl killed on Christmas Day in an ATV accident.  She was wearing her helmet.  It’s sad when I question why she was taken with so much life ahead of her..when I could have been taken instead.  She was just a kid and loving life.

And here I am, and I can’t find my way out of the darkness…I need to find my way out of the darkness.

And I will.  I’m determined.  Even if I have to light my own damned path.

How’s that for raw and real???

Just Say “No”.

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Let’s take a moment to talk about boundaries.  I don’t know about you, but this subject is definitely one of my weaker areas.  I often get manipulated and ran over because I don’t know how to set personal boundaries for myself.  It’s the sad truth.  People can and will take advantage of you, if you have no consistent boundaries placed.  This also allows for the wrong kinds of people to enter your life.

During this lesson, I had to take a hard look at myself.  Because I have a hard time saying “no” to people for one reason or another.  I also have zero self-esteem and that’s because I’ve let others define who I am for far too long.  I’ve made the decision, and I hope that you will make it with me, that now is the time to start putting my foot down.  Now is the time to change.  Because if I don’t make this change…it may end up costing me big in the end.

The main purpose for setting new boundaries is for protection.  And by protection, I mean of your time, space, emotions, values, energy and anything else that is important to you.  We have learned that others will try to punish us for having boundaries in place, which creates fear and holds us hostage to our emotions.  But, we shouldn’t be so concerned with someone else’s thoughts and feelings that we end up being controlled by them.

Learn your limits.  Set them in stone.  Don’t compromise yourself for the sake of anyone else.  I keep repeating this over and over to myself as I try to become a stronger person.  If I have time, I’ll get to it.  If I don’t have time, the world isn’t going to stop turning just because I wasn’t able to.  That’s how I have to look at things right now.

And rather than wasting your time and my energy.  If you’re interested in boundary setting-what it is and why it’s important-please view the two sheets I have linked below.  I strongly encourage that you look into it and to participate in the boundary setting exercises.  I have to learn to say “no”…and that saying “no” is just fine…

boundaries

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If you think you have good boundaries in place, don’t worry…I did, also.  But, after further investigation I found that I’ve only been hurting myself in the long run.  I was inconsistent and a pushover.  Both are negatives in terms of boundaries.  I had set unhealthy limits.  If you skipped over the part above, where the worksheets were available to you, please don’t skip over this.  Below are signs that you have unhealthy boundaries in your life and that they need to be changed.
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Personally, I think I’ve fallen victim to at least one from each of the groups in the above photo.  It’s not that I did it on purpose, I didn’t even realize it until I was reading the list in group.  If you find that you fit into any of the above categories, please scroll back up and work on setting new boundaries for yourself.  You’re the only person that can do anything about it.

If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me.  I’m always willing to hear what others have to say.  I’m also open to giving perspective and/or advice on the matter.  But, I will not make any decisions for you.  You have to be accountable for that.

I hope that you got something out of this, as I did.  Remember, you’re no good to anyone else if you don’t put you and your own needs first.

The Cycle of Depression

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I’ll start off today, by telling you that I’m not in the most positive of moods.  Holidays are always hard on me for some reason.  I’m not really sure how to pull myself out, but I’m hoping if I can put energy into something positive, I won’t be feeding my own negativity.  I painted earlier…now I’m going to try writing as an outlet.

In my recovery, I have many decisions to make when I’m ready to ‘go back into the world’.  I have a fear of what people will think of me and how they will judge me.  But, the nurse told me to remember “they can only tarnish your reputation, they can not touch your character”.  And that’s something that I thought I should share, for anyone going through some of the same things that I am.  It doesn’t make it any easier to face them, but it is nice to realize that there is that part of you that no one can touch.  She also told me to make decisions based on all of the information at hand.  And if later information was gained, then to make a new decision based upon the new information in addition to what I already knew.

But that’s all neither here nor there…getting back on track…
The Vicious Cycle

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Stressors/Triggers -> Physical ->Behaviors->Thoughts & Feelings

Stressors-this is anything that adds to stress/anxiety in your life.  They also may be referred to as “triggers”. (ie. medical issues, family issues, financial problems, etc)
Physical-the physical effects of the stressor (loss of sleep, lethargy, appetite change, etc)
Behavior-life changes in behavior (isolation, less active, loss of interest, etc)
Thoughts & Feelings-How everything begins to make you think and feel differently (hopelessness, loneliness, negativity, sadness, etc)

For me, I’m not exactly sure where my stressors actually came from, but I believe them to be an accumulation over time.  I am a ‘worrier’ by nature and am in a constant state of disarray.  I worry about money, if I’ll always be depressed, how I affect different people in my life and often hold on to the past.  This, with a long line of worries that stem from work and family matters escalated into physical issues.  It is very important to be able to identify your own triggers ahead of time, so that you know what to expect when presented with those scenarios.  Remember, avoidance is not always the answer.

My physical symptoms came to me in the form of not being able to sleep at night.  Some nights, I would just lay there, waiting for the alarm to go off to start the next day.  I also experienced a decrease in my energy level and often found myself not feeling well at all.  It’s crazy what your mind can do to you.  But, it was definitely taking it’s toll.

I guess somewhere between my physical and behavioral changes, I started medications…which now with the PHP program have changed AGAIN.  But, it really needs to be something that works for you.  And some medications do have side effects to keep in mind.  In this case, I am tired feeling a lot of the time…but I have to weigh the pros and cons.  And for me to have to maybe take a nap, is much better than the feeling of my throat closing and the panic attacks that I would experience on a daily basis.  Panic attacks are scary and you feel like you have no control over the sensations that your body goes through at that time.

When it comes to behavioral changes, I get a little cloudy.  I try to think about how my behaviors may have changed over time, but for me I think it was a gradual thing.  Because although I sought out help prior to entering the PHP program, the therapy and meds just weren’t really working…because I wasn’t doing my part.  I think that I isolated myself off from people (but, I never really had that many people around anyways).  I stopped communicating as much about how I was feeling and I lost interest in the activities that I used to very much enjoy.  Now that I think about it, I stopped crafting, I stopped talking, I stopped making any effort towards wellness.

That leads me to the next topic of Thoughts & Feelings.  I became very hopeless.  There was nothing in this world that could make me feel as though I could ever be better than I am/was.  I’m still struggling with this today, if you can’t tell.  When I entered the PHP program, I could sit in the middle of the room anywhere and be surrounded by people – but I would feel so alone and lonely.  Like I couldn’t relate to anyone.  Like it didn’t matter anyways, regardless if I had anything to contribute or not.  So, why bother?  You know?  And the negativity never ends with me.  I’m not good enough…I can’t do enough…I can’t pull myself out of this rut and I really do not want to get out of this bed.

This is my cycle.  And in group the other day, we started to learn how to break the cycle.  But, as you can tell from the above…I haven’t QUITE made it there yet.  I’m fighting it with my entire being.  But, I just can’t kick the bad habits over night.  And that’s okay.  It’s important that I be patient and easy on myself about it, because the changes WILL come.  They just won’t come quickly.  And that may vary for someone else…but, we don’t always move at the same speed.

So, maybe you’re wondering how people like me start to break the cycle….

Breaking the Cycle

There is no easy quick-fix for breaking the cycle of depression that I’ve found.  And if you have something that works for you, that’s great.  For me, it’s going to be a process.  But, I’m taking the baby steps that I need to in order to get there.

Below are some things that I am trying to practice and look at in my own recovery.  They may be helpful for you, too.  But, believe me when I say this is all going to take some serious commitment.

Establishing a Routine
Structure and Consistency are very important in recovery from depression.  You need to feel like you’re doing something and getting something done.  The completion or achievement gives you a self-confidence boost.  And by creating that structure in your life, you are also learning to make time for YOURSELF.  This means more relaxation and downtime can be worked into your daily routine.  The balance that this brings to your life is very important.

I could not agree more with the routine establishment.  I make sure that I have small goals that I want to achieve each day right now.  And accomplishing those goals is up to me.  If I complete them quickly, I have more time for myself and for relaxation.  If I choose to do them slowly, well then that’s on me.  But, I find a sense of purpose and meaning in accomplishing each task that I had designated to myself.  It’s just a little boost of self-esteem, no matter how small it may be -it’s still in the right direction.

Social Support

If you’re like me, you may not have many people that you open up to about certain things.  But, you probably at least have one person in your life that you don’t mind venting the small things to.  That’s what this is.  It’s important to be able to vent out small frustrations so that they don’t become larger, unhappier feelings.  The best thing about venting to others or talking things through with whomever you choose, is that person provides you with a new perspective on things.  So, where you might find darkness and frustration, that person may be able to shine a little light on it for you.  Often times, things aren’t as bad as we make them out to be.  But, it takes confirmation from another person for us to realize that we could be looking at the situation from a much different angle.

Like I said, I don’t have many people that I open up to.  But, even talking to someone online or a phone call to your one friend may make the difference you need in that moment.

Professional Support Network

This is where your therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, pastor or what have you come in to play.  These are people that provide you with professional support.  They are people that you count on for a professional opinion.  They have to be there for you when you need them…it’s their job after all.  And the best thing is that Confidentiality Agreement.  You know you can open up and tell this person anything..and there’s nothing that they can say or do about it.   Talk to them about your needs and concerns and do not be afraid to ask them for advice.

I have a psychiatrist and psychologist, personally.  While the psychologist helps me to meet my mental needs, such as venting and providing perspective; my psychiatrist provides me with physical support such as medications.  My psychiatrist is actually the person who got me into reading up on Mindfulness and Acceptance as a form of therapy.  I’ve really enjoyed it and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process.  My psychologist is the person I credit for helping me put it into practice.  She’s just terrific.

Expecting the Slip Ups and Down Days

This is important and you should say it with me…you need to expect down days, because down days are going to come.  I mean, there is no other way to look at it.  You can’t have good days without bad days, too.  It’s how we react to those bad days and what we do with them that matters and makes or breaks us at the time.  Do not believe on these days that you are back to “square one”.  You aren’t.

I’m guilty of being rather hard on myself when they roll around.  You already know that I had a habit of cutting myself and becoming violently angry with myself when they rolled around.  But, I’m working on remembering that I’ve survived every worst day of my life this far…and I’m going to continue to survive every worst day that comes my way.  It’s really important that I not be too hard on myself when I do slip up, because like a toddler learning to walk – I will have to fall fifty times before I can even take that first step.

Random Notes and Thoughts Today

“Let me let go of what I am, so that I can become what I may be.”
“Don’t insist on always being right.  Your way, is not the ONLY way.”
“You are a Student in Life-you are always learning.”

The 4 Main Areas of Life to Look at in Order to Stay Healthy

  1. Physical
  2. Mental
  3. Social
  4. Spiritual

The following tools are my own.  They are what I use to record and track my moods.  There are also tools that I use to ensure my own happiness and well-being.  The reason that I use the tools below are to track patterns that I can use to bring to my health professional when I meet with them, to determine our next course of action.

the-wholly-healing-experience-daily-self-care-worksheet

a-healthy-me

mood-tracker

Daylio

Nice Guys Finish Last…

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I’m sure you’ve always heard the phrase “Kill them with kindness.”  But, while being kind is always a good thing, too much kindness can turn into something very bad.

In my PHP group, we had a lesson on learning to be assertive and the importance of it.  It not only creates boundaries for yourself, but also teaches others that you’re not the pushover they believe you to be.

I’m not going to lie.  This one I am going to struggle with.  I have been known in the past to be assertive, but somewhere along the way I became one of “the nice guys”.  You know the one – the person who is always picking up slack, overachieving, doing for others, giving and never taking – the person that NEVER says a simple “no”.

I have never liked confrontation and I have been known to avoid it like the plague, itself.  It’s hard on me and I always feel like if I’m confronted, that I have to be the “yes person” or as if I have to cower from the other person/people involved.  Somewhere along the line, I developed this fear.  And I haven’t been able to shake it.

Here you will find a Conflict Management Styles Quiz.  I encourage you to take it and find out who you are in terms of conflict and confrontation. When I took it, I surprisingly came out as the Harmonizer.  Which means that I’m a peacemaker, but that I often get taken advantage of.  It was true.  That describes me to perfection.  How did you do?

If being assertive is not your style, like with me.  Do you know what your style is?  Maybe you’re one of the following:

  • The Nice Person – who is afraid to say anything or do anything that might offend anyone, especially your peers, because they will call you other names other than “nice”.
  • The Whiner-who constantly whines and complains about
    • the services you need and are not receiving
    • how others treat you when you ask for services
    • how professionals treat you when you try to discuss your progress (or lack there of)
    • how bad everything is-but does nothing about it
  • The Clinging Vine-who clings to others and expects them to stick up for your rights and intervene on your behalf
  • The Silent Victim-who has resigned themselves to lack of needed services because “there’s nothing i can do about it”
  • The Fairy Princess-who expects everything to happen, and every service to bne delivered without any effort on your part
  • The Waiter-who waits for a miracle to happen, for something someone promised, who waits and waits and waits for someone else to do something
  • The Bombshell-who fires angry missiles sporadically, instead of calmly and methodically building a good case for what you need
  • The Scaredy Cat-afraid that “if I make trouble, they’ll get back at me”
  • Appeaser-who compromises your own needs because “if I ask for too much, they won’t give me anything”
  • The Sellout/Self-Advocate-who makes deals with those in charge to get services for themselves and pressures others not to ‘rock the boat’

I don’t know where you stand.  Only you can answer that for sure.  But, I am somewhere between “the nice person” and “the silent victim”.  It really depends on the situation and my mood.  If I’m pushed too far, I could randomly and thoughtlessly turn into “the bombshell” due to a mood.  That often happens if I feel as though I’m under attack.

I also fear damaging relationships with others, along with being disliked.  Who wants to feel disliked?  Especially at work or some place where you spend excessive amounts of time.

Wouldn’t it feel good to call somebody out just once?  Wouldn’t it be nice to say “no” for a change?  Think of how empowering a tiny gesture could feel for just one moment.  When I was asked to think about it, it made me feel great.

This where I am going to show you that there is a way to request a behavior change.  I still have a hard time with it because it’s still new to me.  But, when I looked at that sheet, I think I felt a bit of a smile cross my face.  I guess that it is possible to be nice/tactful while asking someone else politely to change their behavior.  Who knew?

It requires a lot of change on my part, which is just one more thing to add to the list of things I am fearful of.  Because I hate uncertainty.  There’s actually a lot about change that I do not like.  But, I’m learning that it isn’t always a bad thing either.  This one is going to take a while to sink in, but in group they do their best to inspire us to be open to the ideas they present.  For me, I like quotes…quotes that make me think and keep me moving in a positive direction.  So, when they handed me this worksheet, I was all too excited to find something that I related to.

Can you guess the quote that I chose?  I chose the quote by Maria Robinson that says ” Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending”.  And I honestly think that’s true.  I can’t change where I have come from, or where I have been…but, I can use those experiences now to change the direction I am headed in.  Since this group let out, that has been my plan.

If you have a favorite quote from the list that you can relate to, please feel free to share it with me.  I know change is hard and it’s not going to come easy for me either.  I’m going to have to work for it.  And being assertive is one of the best things that I can do for myself to start anew and to make sure that I’m being treated in a way that I deserve-by myself and by others.

 

Goal Setting, For Dummies Like Me…

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So, as you know by now, I was admitted into a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at the local mental health facility.

I would describe my first day as being anxiety ridden and fearful.  I didn’t know what to expect and thought I was going to get nothing but static as I walked into the room.  They had computer issues that morning and were already late getting me over there, so everyone was there already when I arrived.

The day hospital is where my PHP takes place each day.  It’s nice because it’s in this little house away from the actual impatient hospital.  There are several offices inside, a full kitchenette, two bathrooms, a “Family Room” where our group sessions take place…and even a patio where we can step out for fresh air if need be.

As I walked through the door, I was asked to sign in on a sheet of paper that would log my time there in the facility.  I was then given a tour of the house.  And when I was told to find a place in the “Family Room”, I did so very slowly and hesitantly.  People were looking at me.  People of various ages, backgrounds and with different issues than mine (as far as I knew).  I was very quiet and kept to myself and felt like curling into a ball in my spot at the table.  Here and there, people would make small gestures of kindness…such as introducing themselves to me…but that uneasy feeling just didn’t want to leave me alone.

The first thing that happened was that I had to see my Nurse to have my vitals checked.  I have never met such a kind, inspiring person.  This Nurse is wonderful.  And I’m sure I’ll get more into her as my story develops.

That day, I was pulled in and out of the group room so many times….to see the doctor, to see the case worker, to talk to this/that person.  It was so chaotic.  I felt like I was missing out on every opportunity there was for me to gain anything from my situation.  But, there was one session that day I was able to take in completely.  And that happened to be the Nurse’s group on goal setting.

Here are the Guidelines for Goal Setting, as given by the Nurse.  The goals also had to be SMART.  If you’re anything like me, you’re completely thrown off when put in this position.  I had no idea what my goals should be be.  I was lost when she was going over the details of it all.  And to be honest, I felt quite overwhelmed.

Before I share with you what my personal goals were that day, I’ll give you a few notes that I took down in my journal as I listened to the Nurse speak.

  • Goals should ALWAYS be positive
  • one member of the group said this that resonated with me, “Goals make you live life intentionally.”
  • Life is like the Sea, without a compass we will drift and fall into chaos.  Goals create that compass for our life, providing us with direction to keep us from drifting.
  • Goals are NEVER to depend on anyone else.  And if someone else is involved in your goal, you MUST acquire their permission as the goal itself.
  • Your goal should be something that you REALLY want and should always be positive.
  • “Don’t ever put your hat where you can not reach it.”
  • Don’t expect to build a house in one day, first you must lay the foundation (small goals), then you can start adding bricks, and eventually you will have a house (a larger goal).
  • It is okay to be flexible with your goals, as long as you replace one goal with something positive that continues to work towards your larger goal.
  • In everything you do, think about what the benefit is.  If it comes back no good, empty or blank — let it go, it’s not for you.

Since this was the only part of the group’s day that I was part of, I participated.  I know that my overall goal is to find happiness again and to lead a more meaningful and happier life.  I want to find my light again.  But, to think of minimal goals for the weekend was tough for me.  So I sat there with my pen and paper and made the goals to: clip my dog’s toe nails, read two chapters of my book, to complete a worksheet I had been given earlier that day and to not bring harm to myself (self-harm/cutting).

As I was listening to everyone else’s goals for the weekend, I realized how small mine were and how simple they seemed to be accomplished.  When I said something about it, muttering to myself how silly they sounded, the Nurse spoke up.  She said it takes baby steps to achieve the bigger steps…and that if those things needed to be done, they were still good goals to have.

Over the course of the weekend, I referred to my sheet.  And as each goal (no matter how small it may have been) was checked off, I felt a sense of accomplishment and like I had done something to be proud of.  It sounds silly, but I encourage you to try it..and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

I don’t have a copy of the worksheet that I was given available to me, but you can create your own.  Simply say that you will _____________________________________ using the SMART acronym provided to you.  And as you achieve each goal, mark how you feel.  It should be quite the rewarding experience!

The Mind Trap

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I previously blogged about the myths surrounding me and my anxiety disorder.  If you missed it, you should definitely read it and I would encourage you to keep reading my blogs in the order in which I have them written.  The reason for this, is because this is my journey…these are things that I am learning for myself – and if you can relate to me at all, they may be things that you would also like to think about and/or experience.

When thinking of a mind trap, I think of falling into the belief that something has to be true because that’s the way it is and the way it always has been.  And I suppose that’s somewhat true.  Buying into falsehoods or myths definitely aren’t going to get me where I am hoping to end up.

So, while reading my book, I’ve learned of several ways that I can fall into this mind trap.

  1. Fusing thoughts, images, places, memories…meaning, I can associate certain thoughts “as if” they are the same thing as the event or circumstance that they describe.  When you think of fusion, it may be something that’s hard to understand.  For me to completely understand I had to do an exercise where I would take an experience and then list the first five things that come to mind.  Since humans have such judgmental minds, I allow those five individual thoughts to become the very experience that I described.  This gives the thought more importance in my brain that it truly deserves…and if that thought is negative, the impact it has on me is tremendously detrimental.
  2. Evaluating Experiences…by associating an experience with a thought or feeling and tagging it with a judgment .  I need to learn to take an experience and accept it for what it is – an experience.  Whether it’s bad or good, it’s still only an experience.  I tend to buy into and feed my negative judgments.  Often, this causes me more pain and increases my suffering.  It would be better in the long run if I let go of the judgments and left the experiences as unedited entities that have occurred.  Overthinking has always been a downfall of mine, though…and this one is going to be a tough habit to break.  My desire is to feed a more compassionate heart and to forgo feeding the Painful Wolf.
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  3. Avoiding Experiences…only provide me with temporary relief from the bad thoughts and feelings that I may associate with them.  That’s probably why I have done it for so long and continue to do it to this day.  This allows me to buy into the idea that my worries and anxieties are “bad”.  But, is that necessarily true?  I have a hard time believing it’s not.  But what I’ve been learning is that it’s only through experience that we learn who we do and do not want to become, or how we do or do not want to live.  I need these experiences to move towards the life that I so desperately want to live.  And through the negative experiences, I know what choices I want to make.  I was asked to read the story of the Emperor Moth in order to better understand the idea.

Am I ready to recognize the mind traps that have been baited and set before me?  I’m not sure.  I have acknowledged them, but it will probably take some time before I’m able to recognize them for what they are.  I know that I don’t want to stay stuck and feed into the struggle and negativity that I’ve been letting run my life for so long.

The following are the recommended exercises that I’ve been asked to learn in order to better observe my experiences.

  1. Mind Watching-“Imagine your mind is a medium-sized room with two doors.  Thoughts come in through the front door and leave out the back door.  First, watch each thought as it enters.  Keep watching to see what it is going to do next.  Don’t do anything with it.  Your only task here is simply to watch that thought.  Don’t engage it or argue with it.  Don’t analyze it.  It’s just a brief visitor to the room.  And when it’s ready to leave, let it go out the back door and do not try to hold on to it.  If you find that you’re judging yourself for having the thought, that’s fine.  Acknowledge that, but don’t bother to argue with yourself.  The key is to keep watching and noticing, but to not become emotionally invested into the thoughts and/or beliefs. Continue this until you feel an emotional distance from your thoughts-to where they are just a moment in the room and nothing more-no longer important and no longer requiring action.”  This has become one of my favorite forms of meditation and mind exercising.
  2. Mindful Walking-“When you walk you will notice that you do not have to think much about what your legs and body are doing.  They are seemingly on auto-pilot.  The goal here is to bring awareness to the experience.  So, as you walk, focus on your breathing and walk naturally as you bring your awareness to the rhythm of your steps and how your body feels as it moves.  If thoughts come, notice them and let them go, as you bring your attention back to just walking.  Feel your feet on the ground, your hips moving with each stride.  Note the sensations.  You should notice that you’re moving with your thoughts and feelings in tow, all going forward.  Silently repeat a mantra such as: I am whole, I am complete, I am in flow.  And when you’re finished walking, allow yourself a little bit of time to reflect upon your experience.”  This is something that I haven’t had much experience with, as I usually have some sort of company while walking.  But, this exercise would be great for someone who enjoys their own space or quiet time.
  3. Riding Out the Storm

This is where I think it will become difficult for me.  It’s sometimes difficult to notice when I’m caught up in the trap.  And sometimes I feed the wrong wolves.  But, the costs are high for me this time and this is an important step for me to take in order to get out of the anxiety/depression traps and back into my life.

Myths are a waste of time. They prevent Progression.

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It’s Christmas Eve and I’d like to wish anyone who reads my entries a Happy Holiday…just as a side note.

Pre-Blog Exercise:  If you choose to do this exercise with me, don’t think of the Pink Elephant in the room.

I’ve been learning about mental illnesses and the different types of worries, anxieties and fears that people experience.  Though, they are not exactly the same; they have so much in common.  There’s some comfort found in being able to label your suffering.  But, do you really want to be known for or as the label of your problem for the rest of your life?  I know that I don’t.

So many things have been pounded into our heads about our disorders by the Media, Doctors, even our peers.  You may have heard that anxiety is a disease like that of Cancer.  Or you may have heard that it is hereditary.  Some people even believe that herbal remedies and diet changes can even alter your disorder.  There are so many things that we are told that it almost becomes something more in itself…a whole new level of anxiety, for dealing with our anxiety.  How is that helpful? It isn’t.

Anxiety is Hereditary

Think about this one for a moment.  Go ahead…

You may notice that your mother or siblings all struggle with some sort of anxiety problem.  “It runs in my family” has probably popped into your head once or twice.  And though on the outside, it appears to be true, this is in fact false.

If you say “it runs in my family”, take a minute to think about that statement.  If your mother suffers from it and your siblings suffer from it, could it not also be true that from watching your mother’s behavior you have learned to react to certain situations in specific ways?  It might even be that you have inherited the predisposition of anxious behavior, just like you inherit a predisposition to be athletic, extroverted or a fast learner.  But, that isn’t the same thing as inheriting a disorder.  Remember what you can and can’t control.  And you can control your actions/reactions when you are feeling anxious.

Intense Anxiety is Not Normal

If you have an anxiety disorder, like I do, you know that at times it can be extremely intense.  The fact that I couldn’t deal with it on my own, is part of the reason why I am seeking help for it now.

But does that mean that intense anxiety isn’t normal?  No.

Think of moments of fear, like on a rollercoaster.  Or maybe you have been through a natural disaster (such as a tornado).  The feelings you get are very intense at the time, but they are temporary for most.  In fact, they’re quite normal.  The feelings that you have in those moments are not stopping you from leading the life you want to live.  The problem comes when you don’t know how to take those thoughts and feelings with you and they interfere and become barriers to the life we want to lead.

Anxiety Makes You Weak

All human beings have suffering.  Without suffering, there is no compassion.  It’s built into us.  It’s part of who we are.

I know that it can be hard to understand and believe at times.  Hell, I view myself as broken, faulted and as if I have a personality defect.  You might be laughing, but it’s been pounded into my head by everyone around me that there is something wrong with me.  It’s the great illusion fueled by your own mind on what “perfect” must look like.  The other thing that will always be an issue is the idea that we must compare ourselves to others.  This happens to me when I see people out and about, doing happy things and living so-called happy lives.  I become envious of what they must have that they appear to be so happy.  It makes me feel as though I’m missing something that they must have.

These things don’t make me weak, though.  They simply make me human.

To Live Happy, You Have To Be Happy

“In order to live better, I must first think and feel better.  And once I start thinking and feeling better, my life will improve for the better.”  Heed the warning, this is nothing more than a trap!

This has been a trap that has caught me so many times that it’s not funny anymore.  Not that it was even laughable to begin with.  But, it’s common.  And in lame man’s terms, it’s says that your pain is so “bad” that you shouldn’t think about it or deal with it…it should be pushed down and avoided.  Do you know how exhausting it is to push down this enormous amount of pain and to hold it down, just to look like you are happy?  I found that it’s a temporary relief from what I might have been feeling, but that band aid isn’t going to hold!

The idea that you can rid yourself of pain may also leave you using objects or people as a crutch.  I’m like this with certain people.  They are my “safe people”.  Meaning, as long as they are around, I might feel a little more at ease and a bit more relaxed.  But, at the same time, I’m waiting for the ball to drop!

I will say this – it may all feel good in the moment, to feel as though you have managed or avoided your anxiety, but that’s a short-term feeling.  And if you look further at it, you’ll find out that there are boundaries that come with it, limiting you as to what you can do.  First hand, I’ve spent so much time trying to manage and control my anxiety, that it’s taken away from the things that I care about in my life.  In turn, causing me more anxiety and at times even shutting me completely down.

The Hard Truth

The hard truth is that I’m not going to find a cure for my anxiety in a pill, person, place or thing.  My mind is going to try to tell me otherwise, I know.  And those times are going to be difficult to deal with – but, hey this is what I signed up for by taking the path to self-discovery.  Experience tells me that these temporary fixes are just that…temporary.

The myths are all very limiting and set boundaries on what my happy life could be.  They become obstacles in my path of finding that happiness that I so long for; a barrier between me and the life I want to live.

I have let worry, anxiety and depression rule my life for far too long.  I am more than a PTSD diagnosis and so is my life.  It’s time I let go of the lies I’ve always known and come to believe that there is a way I can carry the “pain” with me, while living the life I’ve always wanted to live.

If you’re going on this journey with me, maybe we can figure all of this out together…

To get something new,  I must do something new…

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I’m going to start this post out with a quote.

“If I continue to do what I’ve always done,  I’m going to get what I always got.” – unknown

I didn’t choose this path in life.   I didn’t choose to be anxious or fearful.   These two things pull me into the darkest places I’ve ever seen; I would never choose to live this way.   And now I’m learning that I do,  in fact,  have choices.   There is the tiniest bit of light at the end of my long and dark tunnel.   That light is where I’m wanting to find hope again. 

This is going to take some serious commitment,  but I have to do something.   So,  it’s time to ACT (accept-choose-take action)!

ACT

I’ve been told that the first step to anything is admitting that something exists.   In this case, it will be my anxiety and depression issues.  It’s a big deal for me to accept these issues as things that are a part of me as a being.   But,  they are.   And by accepting that,  I theoretically should be able to come to terms with my unwanted thoughts and/or feelings. 

The next step I’m learning is to choose a direction for my life to head in.   It’s where your focus lies.   I’ve found that no one can answer this question for you…you’re going to have to think of it yourself.   The decision process will need to include your personal values and what things in life are important to you.  You may even have to reevaluate what’s important to you from time to time – but you know what?  That’s just fine!  

The last step is to finally take action.   It’s here where you have to take into consideration the things you can and can not control or change.  This is also where you make choices and decisions to move towards the direction of your chosen values. 

My Commitment to Change

Personally,  I want to find my inner peace again.   I’m currently in a constant war inside my own head and neither side is winning the battle.   I’m being drug out of my life and into a constant state of misery.   I’ve identified my own need to once again find happiness.   And this means not letting the days just pass by,  but to live a meaningful and full life.   A life where I can acknowledge my fears and anxiety,  but where they are no longer in charge. 

I’ve identified a few obstacles that may get in the way.  These obstacles are only hypothetical and I came up with them on a whim.   But they are subject to include money or financial ability,  people that may place restrictions on my personal goals,  and fear – both of failure and pain. 

I know that I said this was going to be a bumpy ride…and it will be for me…but I am one hundred percent invested in this.   There is no looking back for me.   I’m out of options.   So with my goals clearly in sight,  I’m fresh into the beginnings of what is sure to be one hell of a journey. 

Am I ready to choose a new approach with my anxieties,  fears and worries?  You bet your ass that I am.  Is this all scary?  Yes…yes,  it is.   But change can be scary and liberating at the same time.   This is the risk I’m willing to take…

Let’s get this show on the road…wherever it may take us…