I’ll start off today, by telling you that I’m not in the most positive of moods. Holidays are always hard on me for some reason. I’m not really sure how to pull myself out, but I’m hoping if I can put energy into something positive, I won’t be feeding my own negativity. I painted earlier…now I’m going to try writing as an outlet.
In my recovery, I have many decisions to make when I’m ready to ‘go back into the world’. I have a fear of what people will think of me and how they will judge me. But, the nurse told me to remember “they can only tarnish your reputation, they can not touch your character”. And that’s something that I thought I should share, for anyone going through some of the same things that I am. It doesn’t make it any easier to face them, but it is nice to realize that there is that part of you that no one can touch. She also told me to make decisions based on all of the information at hand. And if later information was gained, then to make a new decision based upon the new information in addition to what I already knew.
But that’s all neither here nor there…getting back on track…
The Vicious Cycle
Stressors/Triggers -> Physical ->Behaviors->Thoughts & Feelings
Stressors-this is anything that adds to stress/anxiety in your life. They also may be referred to as “triggers”. (ie. medical issues, family issues, financial problems, etc)
Physical-the physical effects of the stressor (loss of sleep, lethargy, appetite change, etc)
Behavior-life changes in behavior (isolation, less active, loss of interest, etc)
Thoughts & Feelings-How everything begins to make you think and feel differently (hopelessness, loneliness, negativity, sadness, etc)
For me, I’m not exactly sure where my stressors actually came from, but I believe them to be an accumulation over time. I am a ‘worrier’ by nature and am in a constant state of disarray. I worry about money, if I’ll always be depressed, how I affect different people in my life and often hold on to the past. This, with a long line of worries that stem from work and family matters escalated into physical issues. It is very important to be able to identify your own triggers ahead of time, so that you know what to expect when presented with those scenarios. Remember, avoidance is not always the answer.
My physical symptoms came to me in the form of not being able to sleep at night. Some nights, I would just lay there, waiting for the alarm to go off to start the next day. I also experienced a decrease in my energy level and often found myself not feeling well at all. It’s crazy what your mind can do to you. But, it was definitely taking it’s toll.
I guess somewhere between my physical and behavioral changes, I started medications…which now with the PHP program have changed AGAIN. But, it really needs to be something that works for you. And some medications do have side effects to keep in mind. In this case, I am tired feeling a lot of the time…but I have to weigh the pros and cons. And for me to have to maybe take a nap, is much better than the feeling of my throat closing and the panic attacks that I would experience on a daily basis. Panic attacks are scary and you feel like you have no control over the sensations that your body goes through at that time.
When it comes to behavioral changes, I get a little cloudy. I try to think about how my behaviors may have changed over time, but for me I think it was a gradual thing. Because although I sought out help prior to entering the PHP program, the therapy and meds just weren’t really working…because I wasn’t doing my part. I think that I isolated myself off from people (but, I never really had that many people around anyways). I stopped communicating as much about how I was feeling and I lost interest in the activities that I used to very much enjoy. Now that I think about it, I stopped crafting, I stopped talking, I stopped making any effort towards wellness.
That leads me to the next topic of Thoughts & Feelings. I became very hopeless. There was nothing in this world that could make me feel as though I could ever be better than I am/was. I’m still struggling with this today, if you can’t tell. When I entered the PHP program, I could sit in the middle of the room anywhere and be surrounded by people – but I would feel so alone and lonely. Like I couldn’t relate to anyone. Like it didn’t matter anyways, regardless if I had anything to contribute or not. So, why bother? You know? And the negativity never ends with me. I’m not good enough…I can’t do enough…I can’t pull myself out of this rut and I really do not want to get out of this bed.
This is my cycle. And in group the other day, we started to learn how to break the cycle. But, as you can tell from the above…I haven’t QUITE made it there yet. I’m fighting it with my entire being. But, I just can’t kick the bad habits over night. And that’s okay. It’s important that I be patient and easy on myself about it, because the changes WILL come. They just won’t come quickly. And that may vary for someone else…but, we don’t always move at the same speed.
So, maybe you’re wondering how people like me start to break the cycle….
Breaking the Cycle
There is no easy quick-fix for breaking the cycle of depression that I’ve found. And if you have something that works for you, that’s great. For me, it’s going to be a process. But, I’m taking the baby steps that I need to in order to get there.
Below are some things that I am trying to practice and look at in my own recovery. They may be helpful for you, too. But, believe me when I say this is all going to take some serious commitment.
Establishing a Routine
Structure and Consistency are very important in recovery from depression. You need to feel like you’re doing something and getting something done. The completion or achievement gives you a self-confidence boost. And by creating that structure in your life, you are also learning to make time for YOURSELF. This means more relaxation and downtime can be worked into your daily routine. The balance that this brings to your life is very important.
I could not agree more with the routine establishment. I make sure that I have small goals that I want to achieve each day right now. And accomplishing those goals is up to me. If I complete them quickly, I have more time for myself and for relaxation. If I choose to do them slowly, well then that’s on me. But, I find a sense of purpose and meaning in accomplishing each task that I had designated to myself. It’s just a little boost of self-esteem, no matter how small it may be -it’s still in the right direction.
Social Support
If you’re like me, you may not have many people that you open up to about certain things. But, you probably at least have one person in your life that you don’t mind venting the small things to. That’s what this is. It’s important to be able to vent out small frustrations so that they don’t become larger, unhappier feelings. The best thing about venting to others or talking things through with whomever you choose, is that person provides you with a new perspective on things. So, where you might find darkness and frustration, that person may be able to shine a little light on it for you. Often times, things aren’t as bad as we make them out to be. But, it takes confirmation from another person for us to realize that we could be looking at the situation from a much different angle.
Like I said, I don’t have many people that I open up to. But, even talking to someone online or a phone call to your one friend may make the difference you need in that moment.
Professional Support Network
This is where your therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, pastor or what have you come in to play. These are people that provide you with professional support. They are people that you count on for a professional opinion. They have to be there for you when you need them…it’s their job after all. And the best thing is that Confidentiality Agreement. You know you can open up and tell this person anything..and there’s nothing that they can say or do about it. Talk to them about your needs and concerns and do not be afraid to ask them for advice.
I have a psychiatrist and psychologist, personally. While the psychologist helps me to meet my mental needs, such as venting and providing perspective; my psychiatrist provides me with physical support such as medications. My psychiatrist is actually the person who got me into reading up on Mindfulness and Acceptance as a form of therapy. I’ve really enjoyed it and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. My psychologist is the person I credit for helping me put it into practice. She’s just terrific.
Expecting the Slip Ups and Down Days
This is important and you should say it with me…you need to expect down days, because down days are going to come. I mean, there is no other way to look at it. You can’t have good days without bad days, too. It’s how we react to those bad days and what we do with them that matters and makes or breaks us at the time. Do not believe on these days that you are back to “square one”. You aren’t.
I’m guilty of being rather hard on myself when they roll around. You already know that I had a habit of cutting myself and becoming violently angry with myself when they rolled around. But, I’m working on remembering that I’ve survived every worst day of my life this far…and I’m going to continue to survive every worst day that comes my way. It’s really important that I not be too hard on myself when I do slip up, because like a toddler learning to walk – I will have to fall fifty times before I can even take that first step.
Random Notes and Thoughts Today
“Let me let go of what I am, so that I can become what I may be.”
“Don’t insist on always being right. Your way, is not the ONLY way.”
“You are a Student in Life-you are always learning.”
The 4 Main Areas of Life to Look at in Order to Stay Healthy
- Physical
- Mental
- Social
- Spiritual
The following tools are my own. They are what I use to record and track my moods. There are also tools that I use to ensure my own happiness and well-being. The reason that I use the tools below are to track patterns that I can use to bring to my health professional when I meet with them, to determine our next course of action.
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