disease

Diagnosis: C-PTSD

January 10, 2017January 8, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

So, now that we’re talking about my diagnosis, I’m moving on to C-PTSD. It’s PTSD, only a little more Complex.

To start again, we’ll go ahead with the definition.

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I questioned whether or not the diagnosis should actually be for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Turns out, that BPD and C-PTSD have a lot of gray area when they overlap.

The thing to remember is that with C-PTSD compared to PTSD, there are not always flashbacks of people and/or events that took place. But, they are usually related to a prolonged period of abuse (emotional/physical/mental), usually during childhood. I don’t necessarily agree with all of the things rated in the chart above. But, that’s what they determined in 2014 to be the relation between the two. For instance, the idea of self-harm and suicidal behavior along with the frantic attempts to go out of my way to avoid abandonment are all relevant to me. However, C-PTSD doesn’t even touch on those.

That being said, let’s look at some of the symptoms of C-PTSD.

I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel that I can not relate to the given symptoms. Sure, I controlled some emotions through self-harm because I couldn’t express them properly and they became more than what I could handle. And yes, I would verbally express my desire to die, just for the sake of no longer suffering or being in pain. I often felt as though I couldn’t enjoy anything because that would be bad or the thought of enjoying it would be seen as only disappointment when things didn’t go my way. There are so many symptoms that are all relative, you know?

So, let’s look at some drugs that they use to control the symptoms.

I can spot a few on this list that I have been on or am currently on. I’ve had experiences with Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Venlafaxine XR and possibly some others that are not listed here. I’ve combined any of those drugs with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and have found CBT to be the most effective thing in my condition. Because it forces me to face the trigger that is bothering me, question it’s reality and whether or not it’s a good/bad thought, and then deal with it appropriately. If you have never tried CBT, I highly encourage it. And actually, a lot of the information I present in my blog and worksheets comes from my CBT classes and Anxiety Journal Workbook.

Then, there are triggers for those who suffer from PTSD. We defined a trigger in my last blog. But, we’ll look at another definition here, for time’s sake.

I’m more of an internal feelings and sensations person. I don’t really have flashbacks. But, I do have unwanted memories that I wish I could just toss out of my head. The mental/emotional/physical abuse that I endured during my childhood has haunted my thoughts, feelings, and memories for far too long. It’s caused myself a lot of pain. And on top of that, it’s changed my whole viewpoint of other people around me and what I expect them to think of me – which is always the worst case scenario, if I’m being real here.

It hurts, man. Like no other. I just want to feel normal and look at things from the perspective of people who appear to be so care-free and happy. I not only want to feel accepted, special, loved or cared for. I also want to love myself again.

Through these blogs, weekly psychiatrist appointments, two weeks of CBT group sessions, monthly psychologist appointments, writing and reading…I believe I’m well on my way. I’ve found a great sense of accomplishment in recognizing when I’m being triggered and by what. I’ve been fighting the necessary wars in my head little by little and lately they haven’t been as rough. I’m still struggling with falling asleep, but that’s playing in the minor league there. And by starting to cultivate and nourish a more harmonious, decluttered environment..I can feel the change sweeping over me like a warm blanket.

This is where I leave you, for now. But, I’ll be back either with another diagnosis at a glimpse, or with a new lesson.

Hold your head up high. We have so much to live for.

Diagnosis: Anxiety

January 9, 2017January 8, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I figured that today was a good day to start talking about my personal Diagnosis. Though, I will be breaking them down in to single categories, in full I am diagnosed with C-PTSD, Anxiety Disorder and Clinical Depression.

Today, we’ll talk about anxiety on a personal level. How it has affected me personally and how I’ve felt about it, etc.

The first thing that we’re going to do is define the diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

Next, let’s take a look at some of the symptoms. When doing so, please remember that the symptoms are not always limited to this list.

So, on a more personal level, let me tell you about my symptoms. I can relate to the constant worrying or obsession about small or large concerns. These are mostly caused by my mind-reading and other unhelpful thought patterns that we’ve previously discussed. I tend to think everyone hates me or is against me. I always assume the worst and by doing that, I think that I’m helping myself when in reality, I’m only hurting myself. I am constantly in a state of somewhere between asleep and awake, as I suffer from sleep problems. I’ve had my medications changed on me four times within the last two months and I can tell you, I wish they could find something that works. I wake up on average, every three hours while sleeping. And this is after I’ve had trouble falling asleep to begin with. If I become highly tired, I also become very irritable. Irritability is also caused by taking on too much at one time and overwhelming myself. I’m absolutely no stranger to it. Due to the amount of stress that I place on myself, I do become physically tense and experience a lot of back and shoulder pain. It’s not a pleasant experience at all. When it’s at it’s worst, I shake a little bit because I’m very afraid of what’s coming next. Even if I have no reason to be, I am very afraid. I often sweat a lot in states of extreme nervousness and if I can’t resolve the issue quickly, I become angry with myself and begin to feel sick to my stomach. The physical ailments aligned with anxiety are more than you could ever possibly imagine. It’s not until I’m having panic attacks, that the shortness of breath, tight chest, throat closing and rapid heartbeat start to occur.

All of that probably sounds like I’m exaggerating. But, sadly I’m not. I wish I were. And that’s not even the complete list of my symptoms.

So, next comes the panic attack for me. I’m going to take this time to define that for you.

These are NOT fun. And I do not wish them upon anyone. I often lose my balance, find myself swaying, feeling as though my throat is closing along with chest pain and hot flashes. Palpitations, Sweating, and Trembling go right along with those things. It’s exhausting having a panic attack. And you can never really tell when they will hit. There are a few obvious triggers for me personally, but I could be out shopping or be faced with having to make a decision and suddenly it hits.

So, along with symptoms, come a list of disorders or other common ailments.

So, the disorders above are very specific in what they are attributed to. If you want to know which ones I relate most to, they are: PTSD, Social Phobia (Social Anxiety), Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety.

PTSD we will talk about in another Diagnosis Section of my blog.

As far as Social Anxiety goes, it’s the worst. I always think people are super critical of me and worry about what they will think or how they will judge me. I feel super awkward trying to start and maintain a conversation, like I’m just waiting to say that one weird thing or embarrassing myself in the process. So, I end up isolating myself, to avoid the fear and anxiety of it. This is something that I’m now working on doing better at. I’ve been knocking on my social phobia’s door and saying hello more frequently. But, it’s difficult to want to do it.

Oh my, Panic Disorder. I can relate to what the definition says about avoiding certain situations, places and things. I dislike crowds very much, I feel like I can’t move in them. It’s like I’m being squeezed very tightly by a bunch of pressure that is made up of the people surrounding me. So I avoid anything that puts me into that situation. I will panic. I have to sit on the end row in the movie theaters and I must know where the nearest restroom is. Maybe that’s weird to you, but knowing how my body functions sometimes, I just feel it’s for the best. And I don’t want to have to crawl out over people if I need to leave suddenly.

General Anxiety (GAD) I feel is what most people relate to. But, I feel as though I take it to the extreme. I worry and then I worry some more, about anything and everything…even if I have to actually actively find something to worry about. I will worry. Whether it’s about finances, relationships, what people think or feel about me, or even whether I’m questioning myself. It’s at times so overwhelming and hard to contain. But, I guess that’s why I’m on the meds that I’m currently on.

Some days, I feel as though I can’t even get out of bed, the feelings are just too much for me to want to face. It’s scary. It’s the abundance of this along with my depression that made me do what I did to myself whenever it got to be too much.

This brings me to medications. I’m sure many of you are as familiar with these as I am.

Since my anxiety diagnosis, I have seen a lot of medications come and go. From this list alone, I’ve been on: Mirtazapine, Trazodone, Venlafaxine, Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Buspirone, and maybe a couple more that I’ve forgotten by now. And maybe a few that aren’t even listed. I know for certain I don’t see Klonopin or Effexor up there, but I’ve been on those as well. They may be more for depression though, we’ll find out later.

Some other natural things that I do in order to keep my anxiety in check are to clean, declutter and organize my house. And since I’ve figured out that the Lavender scent is supposed to help, I have gone way overboard with that. I used to drink chamomile and/or sleepy time teas. But, I haven’t done that in quite a while now. I think I found it relaxing, for what that’s worth. And then there’s the giant elephant in the room….exercise. Who wants to do that?! But, sometimes, there is no better cure for what ails me than to drag my butt outside or even just out of bed and get to work on something constructive.

There will always be this war inside of my head. But, at least I’m fighting and not giving in.

This too, shall pass.

I Got the Powa!

December 28, 2016December 29, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

It’s been a great day full of positivity in Group. I felt good about the lessons we were learning. And it’s funny to me that I’m just now learning these lessons. But, hey they’re important. We even went for a walk around campus today to enhance our senses and build on calming techniques that we’ll probably talk about in a different post.

Let’s start today off with the quote I have written in my journal:
“If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has twenty five more letters”.

I hope that made you smile, as it did me. And I hope that you can find meaning and hope in that, as I did.

Don’t Be Afraid to Lose Control

I giggled at this lesson, as we began to learn to let go of control, or the idea of control. But, in reality – there are so, so many things out of our hands and that we have absolutely no control over whatsoever.

You could define control as the power to influence and/or direct peoples’ behaviors or the course of events. That would be a technical definition of the word. But, isn’t it more than that?

Control is something that you can have OVER people and/or events. It gives you a sense of entitlement and empowerment. It’s something that a lot of us have trouble either gaining or letting go of. My guess is that most of us have more trouble letting go of it.

I can give you the example of house cleaning. You may prefer to do things as I do, clean the room from top to bottom and do the floors last. In my head that’s where all of the dust and dirt lands as I’m cleaning above, so logically I would do it in that order. However, if John cleans the room, he may vacuum and then pick up the area and/or dust. It may not make sense to us. But, just because he did it differently, that doesn’t mean he is wrong. That doesn’t mean that MY way is the ONLY way to do something. And man, it will eat at me, but you know what? I’m going to keep my mouth shut because I am grateful for the help and because I don’t want to end up having to do it myself.

So, now let’s move on to something that I am all too familiar with. They call it “catastrophizing”. In essence, it’s an irrational thought that a lot of us will have where we actually believe something is much worse than it is in reality. I catch myself doing this often. Blowing things out of proportion is like second nature to me, when it comes to negative events or comments in relation to myself. For instance, I will say “Oh my God, the house is such a disaster.” When in reality it’s just a few things that need to be picked up and placed where they belong. But, all I could see was the negative blown way out of proportion. And yes…I’m laughing at myself right this instant. Because this is so me. Catastrophizing though only adds fuel to the fire, which just adds to the anxiety that we already have in our lives. So, this is something I have to work on. This is something that I can improve on and will. Because my sanity depends on it.

You may not know this. I didn’t know this. But, the Serenity Prayer is often used to help people who catastrophize things. And if this is you, and you have that kind of Faith – maybe it would help you, too! Even if you don’t have that kind of Faith, the words make perfect sense and you may still find comfort in them.

That only leaves me with fear. Fear is nothing but an anxious feeling caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience. And get this – the event or experience will most likely NOT EVEN OCCUR. Remember that when you’re afraid. Sure, there are instances where it will be in direct reaction to something…that’s not the kind of fear that I’m talking about though. The kind of fear I’m talking about is something like the fear of change.

And so we’ve come full circle now, when I say – in order to break free from fear, we have to then let go of control.

As I type this out, it sounds so much deeper than it actually is. But, it’s still true. And quite frankly, easy to do once you make the decision to do it. That’s the trick though; you have to want to do it. I don’t know about you, but as soon as that meant some of my anxiety would go away, I was on board with making that decision. I don’t need more anxiety than I already have!

So, here are some ways that I have learned to let go of the control.

Change your mindset. This is going to take practice and time. If you’ve made the decision to change, you’ll be more than willing to make time to practice it. But, this means you will have to stop being a perfectionist and understand that we all make ‘mistakes’. I have learned to become more comfortable with letting things go a bit and allowing someone else to take the wheel for me and drive. It might be uncomfortable at first, but in the end, it sure does take some of the load off.
Work on Yourself. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? I see a hot mess when I look into mine. But, that’s not going to get me anywhere good. So, the idea here is to create a sense of self-worth and to grow your self-esteem. If you have more confidence, you’ll be more certain of your decisions and also put that confidence into others.
Delegate Tasks. Now this isn’t saying that you need to put your entire workload onto the next person. But, it is saying that it is okay for you to ask for help from time to time; or even allow someone to assist you if they’ve offered. Let’s face it, the weight of the world is heavy at times and our to-do lists can get mighty lengthy. If you have children, a spouse or partner…anyone, don’t be afraid to assign them duties or items to check off that to-do list! I have a hard time asking for help. But, I’m learning that swallowing my pride and allowing for the assistance is a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Sometimes, things even get done more quickly than if I would have taken them all on myself!

Let’s not be afraid of change. I know I can’t afford to fear it. I need it in my life…and a lot of it. But, let that change move you in the right direction. It should be a positive direction with your end goal in mind. I’m not afraid anymore. No fear. And I’m certainly no longer afraid of change. I’ve seen the difference the tiniest of changes can make in my life. I’ve finally looked that monster in the eyes and told it I’m the one in charge now!

Irrational Thoughts That Cause Stress

By catastrophizing and thinking irrationally, we only cause ourselves more stress in the end. I’m guilty of being irrational in highly emotional situations. Hell, I’ll even go as far to say I can be irrational when I’m being stubborn. If any of the following thoughts pop up in your head, consider that you may not be thinking clearly:

It is essential to be loved/liked by everyone all of the time.
I can’t stand for anyone to be angry with me or to dislike me.
I must always be competent.
Making a mistake is terrible!
Every problem has a perfect solution.
I can’t change the way I am/think/feel.
I must not show weakness or cry.
Strong people do not ask for help.
Everything is within my control.
Everyone should see things the way that I do.
I am always right.
People should do what I want because they love me.
The world ought to be fair.

In most cases, these are all unrealistic expectations. I know first hand that it was not easy for me to ask for the help that I am now receiving. And I know that it takes a damned strong person to seek help when they need it. Don’t let pride get in your way. Ever. Emotions are nothing to be ashamed of, you are not always right, and mistakes do happen…we are human after all.

By relinquishing some control and thinking more clearly, you and I will both be leading lives that are at the very least, slightly less stressful.

Anger: Let’s Be Real

December 27, 2016December 27, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

When I started this blog, I wanted this to be something real and raw. Something that someone could read and relate to. I wanted this to be my journey to a better life. And, sure I’ve gone through some of the steps that I’ve been learning as of late. I’ve methodically planned out posts through subjects that I learn in Day Hospital “Group Sessions”.

What I haven’t done is said how I’ve felt along the way. Oops…that one kind of got away from me.

Let’s start at the beginning. Most people from meeting me in my daily life wouldn’t expect me to be where I am today. If you would have told me I’d be here fifteen years ago, I probably would have laughed at you. It’s of my belief, that everyone saw me as the ‘nice girl’. That girl who is so sweet and works really hard. They wouldn’t be wrong. Not by any means. The problem is that in life, as I previously blogged…nice guys finish last. And as you know by now, there are reasons for that.

It’s okay for people to see me as that nice person. Because generally, that’s who I am.

In hindsight, I have been very selective with the people that I have really let into my life. I have so many issues that run deeper than you can imagine through me. For one, I fear that everyone that becomes important to me in my life, will leave. It’s true. I can remember, since I was just a young girl, people leaving my life that I cared for in one way or another. Whether it be classmates that I lost during a move, people coming and going in life, or well…they died. My parents divorced when I was around five, my sisters and I were separated when I was around twelve and my Dad left again when I was right around fifteen. My so-called best friend of years and years left, so did the one after that…and the one after that. These things are all common things, but collectively they have ultimately led me to a fear of abandonment. These were all gigantic, influential moments in my life. Traumatic and scarring, even.

There were other things that happened in life along the way that did major damage to my self-esteem and my ability to cope with life itself. And I’ve fought all of the demons for years and years. I’ve crossed bridges, oceans, climbed mountains, jumped hurdles and even leaped through hoops to overcome. And I did a damn good job of forgiving. I would like to say the forgetting, too, but somehow things always manage to stick with me – I just try not to let them get to me.

Which leads me to the present. Where I have worn this mask for far too long.

I’ve been so strong for myself and everyone else around me. I go out of my way to be kind, even if I don’t feel like being nice. I am always willing to give, without taking more than my fair share. And have always been willing to help others without solicitation and without asking for anything in return. My problems were my own and I did my best not to burden those around me with them. That’s just who I am.

But I can’t wear the mask anymore.

Before things got this bad. Before I ended up at the Mental Hospital, I would try to reach out to people via social media (because hey – if it’s not on facebook, it must not be real, right?!). I would try to tell family that I was having issues here and there, but nothing major. I tried to occupy my time with things that would tear my mind away from the negativity and the storm that was brewing inside of me.

This is where things get sticky…

I’ve been in the Hospital now for over a week, with no site or sound of a possible release date. I’ve reached out to my family and loved ones yet again. I have virtually NO SUPPORT from anyone coming in. I’m so full of anger and resentment that it’s nearly blinded me. You have no idea how much this hurts or how bad it digs at me.

I have been by my family’s side in a heart beat, every single time they needed me. I have supported them in hardships, loved them when times were hard and did the same when things were easy. I’ve sent money, offered advice, whatever they needed. I’ve respected that they may not believe in mental health issues or the medications and/or Doctors that are behind it. And never have I asked for anything in return other than unconditional love and support. Is that really too much?!

I have one or two out of my one hundred fifty facebook friends that will talk to me or send me uplifting messages from time to time. But, there is no sight or sound coming from anyone else.

I keep telling myself that maybe they don’t know I need the support right now. But, I have told them I did. So, I tell myself maybe they don’t know how to show support. But, how could they not?

Today, I showed up at the Hospital, tears in my eyes, wrapped up in a blanket that I brought with me from home. It was something warm and comfortable. And then, as I scribbled on my morning check-in sheet, I had to recall the painful events of the weekend and how it transpired.

The Holidays are rough on me. I live across the country from my Family. And man, do I miss them. The anxiety set in and then I realized that I told them a week ago that I had checked into the Hospital…and that ever since I told them, not one of them has checked on me. I got the casual “Merry Christmas” message from my mother and one of my sisters. I just responded back “yeah. you too.” When I told them I had been hospitalized, I told them how hard it was for me to admit that I needed that help and how emotionally and mentally hard on me the whole situation was. And that I would appreciate all of the support that I could get. I haven’t seen any.

So yesterday, the anxiety became too much. It’s all a little blurry now. But, that ball inside of me reappeared. This empty, tight ball in my chest that I can never explain – but that puts so much pressure on me to do something – anything. So, I cut my wrist again. I let myself down. And as I rehashed the events to my Nurse, tears ran down my face. I explained to her how I wasn’t only angry with my family and that I didn’t just feel alone-but, that I had also let myself down. Today, no wise words pursed her lips, as usual. I had set myself back in my progress. I knew it and she knew it. She simply told me to refer to our teachings and that this was my slip up because I’m only human.

So, here I am. Very angry. Very bitter. I wish there was some switch that I could flip that would turn my expectations off, where it comes to people that I care about. This way, I would never be disappointed. But, it never fails. They will break my heart, every single time.

And how can I miss the people that hurt me so much? How can I allow them to live rent-free in my heart and head? To have any influence over me or my emotions? I’m so confused.

I feel so alone. I have some solace in group, where there are people that like me despite all of my open and honest flaws. But, that’s the only relief that I get. I dread when I get released ‘back into the world’ where I’ll be left with no one to understand how I feel again. I can only hope that the information that I’m posting here in my blogs sinks in and that I’m reinforcing it within my mind, body and soul every time I read and type. Because this was my last stop. This is where I was supposed to be “fixed”. And I know it doesn’t happen overnight. And that there is no magic pill that I can take to make everything alright. But, damn…

There was a seven year old girl killed on Christmas Day in an ATV accident. She was wearing her helmet. It’s sad when I question why she was taken with so much life ahead of her..when I could have been taken instead. She was just a kid and loving life.

And here I am, and I can’t find my way out of the darkness…I need to find my way out of the darkness.

And I will. I’m determined. Even if I have to light my own damned path.

How’s that for raw and real???

Just Say “No”.

December 26, 2016December 26, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

Let’s take a moment to talk about boundaries. I don’t know about you, but this subject is definitely one of my weaker areas. I often get manipulated and ran over because I don’t know how to set personal boundaries for myself. It’s the sad truth. People can and will take advantage of you, if you have no consistent boundaries placed. This also allows for the wrong kinds of people to enter your life.

During this lesson, I had to take a hard look at myself. Because I have a hard time saying “no” to people for one reason or another. I also have zero self-esteem and that’s because I’ve let others define who I am for far too long. I’ve made the decision, and I hope that you will make it with me, that now is the time to start putting my foot down. Now is the time to change. Because if I don’t make this change…it may end up costing me big in the end.

The main purpose for setting new boundaries is for protection. And by protection, I mean of your time, space, emotions, values, energy and anything else that is important to you. We have learned that others will try to punish us for having boundaries in place, which creates fear and holds us hostage to our emotions. But, we shouldn’t be so concerned with someone else’s thoughts and feelings that we end up being controlled by them.

Learn your limits. Set them in stone. Don’t compromise yourself for the sake of anyone else. I keep repeating this over and over to myself as I try to become a stronger person. If I have time, I’ll get to it. If I don’t have time, the world isn’t going to stop turning just because I wasn’t able to. That’s how I have to look at things right now.

And rather than wasting your time and my energy. If you’re interested in boundary setting-what it is and why it’s important-please view the two sheets I have linked below. I strongly encourage that you look into it and to participate in the boundary setting exercises. I have to learn to say “no”…and that saying “no” is just fine…

boundaries

keepinghealthyboundarieshandout

If you think you have good boundaries in place, don’t worry…I did, also. But, after further investigation I found that I’ve only been hurting myself in the long run. I was inconsistent and a pushover. Both are negatives in terms of boundaries. I had set unhealthy limits. If you skipped over the part above, where the worksheets were available to you, please don’t skip over this. Below are signs that you have unhealthy boundaries in your life and that they need to be changed.

Personally, I think I’ve fallen victim to at least one from each of the groups in the above photo. It’s not that I did it on purpose, I didn’t even realize it until I was reading the list in group. If you find that you fit into any of the above categories, please scroll back up and work on setting new boundaries for yourself. You’re the only person that can do anything about it.

If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me. I’m always willing to hear what others have to say. I’m also open to giving perspective and/or advice on the matter. But, I will not make any decisions for you. You have to be accountable for that.

I hope that you got something out of this, as I did. Remember, you’re no good to anyone else if you don’t put you and your own needs first.

The Cycle of Depression

December 25, 2016December 25, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I’ll start off today, by telling you that I’m not in the most positive of moods. Holidays are always hard on me for some reason. I’m not really sure how to pull myself out, but I’m hoping if I can put energy into something positive, I won’t be feeding my own negativity. I painted earlier…now I’m going to try writing as an outlet.

In my recovery, I have many decisions to make when I’m ready to ‘go back into the world’. I have a fear of what people will think of me and how they will judge me. But, the nurse told me to remember “they can only tarnish your reputation, they can not touch your character”. And that’s something that I thought I should share, for anyone going through some of the same things that I am. It doesn’t make it any easier to face them, but it is nice to realize that there is that part of you that no one can touch. She also told me to make decisions based on all of the information at hand. And if later information was gained, then to make a new decision based upon the new information in addition to what I already knew.

But that’s all neither here nor there…getting back on track…
The Vicious Cycle

Stressors/Triggers -> Physical ->Behaviors->Thoughts & Feelings

Stressors-this is anything that adds to stress/anxiety in your life. They also may be referred to as “triggers”. (ie. medical issues, family issues, financial problems, etc)
Physical-the physical effects of the stressor (loss of sleep, lethargy, appetite change, etc)
Behavior-life changes in behavior (isolation, less active, loss of interest, etc)
Thoughts & Feelings-How everything begins to make you think and feel differently (hopelessness, loneliness, negativity, sadness, etc)

For me, I’m not exactly sure where my stressors actually came from, but I believe them to be an accumulation over time. I am a ‘worrier’ by nature and am in a constant state of disarray. I worry about money, if I’ll always be depressed, how I affect different people in my life and often hold on to the past. This, with a long line of worries that stem from work and family matters escalated into physical issues. It is very important to be able to identify your own triggers ahead of time, so that you know what to expect when presented with those scenarios. Remember, avoidance is not always the answer.

My physical symptoms came to me in the form of not being able to sleep at night. Some nights, I would just lay there, waiting for the alarm to go off to start the next day. I also experienced a decrease in my energy level and often found myself not feeling well at all. It’s crazy what your mind can do to you. But, it was definitely taking it’s toll.

I guess somewhere between my physical and behavioral changes, I started medications…which now with the PHP program have changed AGAIN. But, it really needs to be something that works for you. And some medications do have side effects to keep in mind. In this case, I am tired feeling a lot of the time…but I have to weigh the pros and cons. And for me to have to maybe take a nap, is much better than the feeling of my throat closing and the panic attacks that I would experience on a daily basis. Panic attacks are scary and you feel like you have no control over the sensations that your body goes through at that time.

When it comes to behavioral changes, I get a little cloudy. I try to think about how my behaviors may have changed over time, but for me I think it was a gradual thing. Because although I sought out help prior to entering the PHP program, the therapy and meds just weren’t really working…because I wasn’t doing my part. I think that I isolated myself off from people (but, I never really had that many people around anyways). I stopped communicating as much about how I was feeling and I lost interest in the activities that I used to very much enjoy. Now that I think about it, I stopped crafting, I stopped talking, I stopped making any effort towards wellness.

That leads me to the next topic of Thoughts & Feelings. I became very hopeless. There was nothing in this world that could make me feel as though I could ever be better than I am/was. I’m still struggling with this today, if you can’t tell. When I entered the PHP program, I could sit in the middle of the room anywhere and be surrounded by people – but I would feel so alone and lonely. Like I couldn’t relate to anyone. Like it didn’t matter anyways, regardless if I had anything to contribute or not. So, why bother? You know? And the negativity never ends with me. I’m not good enough…I can’t do enough…I can’t pull myself out of this rut and I really do not want to get out of this bed.

This is my cycle. And in group the other day, we started to learn how to break the cycle. But, as you can tell from the above…I haven’t QUITE made it there yet. I’m fighting it with my entire being. But, I just can’t kick the bad habits over night. And that’s okay. It’s important that I be patient and easy on myself about it, because the changes WILL come. They just won’t come quickly. And that may vary for someone else…but, we don’t always move at the same speed.

So, maybe you’re wondering how people like me start to break the cycle….

Breaking the Cycle

There is no easy quick-fix for breaking the cycle of depression that I’ve found. And if you have something that works for you, that’s great. For me, it’s going to be a process. But, I’m taking the baby steps that I need to in order to get there.

Below are some things that I am trying to practice and look at in my own recovery. They may be helpful for you, too. But, believe me when I say this is all going to take some serious commitment.

Establishing a Routine
Structure and Consistency are very important in recovery from depression. You need to feel like you’re doing something and getting something done. The completion or achievement gives you a self-confidence boost. And by creating that structure in your life, you are also learning to make time for YOURSELF. This means more relaxation and downtime can be worked into your daily routine. The balance that this brings to your life is very important.

I could not agree more with the routine establishment. I make sure that I have small goals that I want to achieve each day right now. And accomplishing those goals is up to me. If I complete them quickly, I have more time for myself and for relaxation. If I choose to do them slowly, well then that’s on me. But, I find a sense of purpose and meaning in accomplishing each task that I had designated to myself. It’s just a little boost of self-esteem, no matter how small it may be -it’s still in the right direction.

Social Support

If you’re like me, you may not have many people that you open up to about certain things. But, you probably at least have one person in your life that you don’t mind venting the small things to. That’s what this is. It’s important to be able to vent out small frustrations so that they don’t become larger, unhappier feelings. The best thing about venting to others or talking things through with whomever you choose, is that person provides you with a new perspective on things. So, where you might find darkness and frustration, that person may be able to shine a little light on it for you. Often times, things aren’t as bad as we make them out to be. But, it takes confirmation from another person for us to realize that we could be looking at the situation from a much different angle.

Like I said, I don’t have many people that I open up to. But, even talking to someone online or a phone call to your one friend may make the difference you need in that moment.

Professional Support Network

This is where your therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, pastor or what have you come in to play. These are people that provide you with professional support. They are people that you count on for a professional opinion. They have to be there for you when you need them…it’s their job after all. And the best thing is that Confidentiality Agreement. You know you can open up and tell this person anything..and there’s nothing that they can say or do about it. Talk to them about your needs and concerns and do not be afraid to ask them for advice.

I have a psychiatrist and psychologist, personally. While the psychologist helps me to meet my mental needs, such as venting and providing perspective; my psychiatrist provides me with physical support such as medications. My psychiatrist is actually the person who got me into reading up on Mindfulness and Acceptance as a form of therapy. I’ve really enjoyed it and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. My psychologist is the person I credit for helping me put it into practice. She’s just terrific.

Expecting the Slip Ups and Down Days

This is important and you should say it with me…you need to expect down days, because down days are going to come. I mean, there is no other way to look at it. You can’t have good days without bad days, too. It’s how we react to those bad days and what we do with them that matters and makes or breaks us at the time. Do not believe on these days that you are back to “square one”. You aren’t.

I’m guilty of being rather hard on myself when they roll around. You already know that I had a habit of cutting myself and becoming violently angry with myself when they rolled around. But, I’m working on remembering that I’ve survived every worst day of my life this far…and I’m going to continue to survive every worst day that comes my way. It’s really important that I not be too hard on myself when I do slip up, because like a toddler learning to walk – I will have to fall fifty times before I can even take that first step.

Random Notes and Thoughts Today

“Let me let go of what I am, so that I can become what I may be.”
“Don’t insist on always being right. Your way, is not the ONLY way.”
“You are a Student in Life-you are always learning.”

The 4 Main Areas of Life to Look at in Order to Stay Healthy

Physical
Mental
Social
Spiritual

The following tools are my own. They are what I use to record and track my moods. There are also tools that I use to ensure my own happiness and well-being. The reason that I use the tools below are to track patterns that I can use to bring to my health professional when I meet with them, to determine our next course of action.

the-wholly-healing-experience-daily-self-care-worksheet

a-healthy-me

mood-tracker

Daylio

Nice Guys Finish Last…

December 25, 2016December 25, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I’m sure you’ve always heard the phrase “Kill them with kindness.” But, while being kind is always a good thing, too much kindness can turn into something very bad.

In my PHP group, we had a lesson on learning to be assertive and the importance of it. It not only creates boundaries for yourself, but also teaches others that you’re not the pushover they believe you to be.

I’m not going to lie. This one I am going to struggle with. I have been known in the past to be assertive, but somewhere along the way I became one of “the nice guys”. You know the one – the person who is always picking up slack, overachieving, doing for others, giving and never taking – the person that NEVER says a simple “no”.

I have never liked confrontation and I have been known to avoid it like the plague, itself. It’s hard on me and I always feel like if I’m confronted, that I have to be the “yes person” or as if I have to cower from the other person/people involved. Somewhere along the line, I developed this fear. And I haven’t been able to shake it.

Here you will find a Conflict Management Styles Quiz. I encourage you to take it and find out who you are in terms of conflict and confrontation. When I took it, I surprisingly came out as the Harmonizer. Which means that I’m a peacemaker, but that I often get taken advantage of. It was true. That describes me to perfection. How did you do?

If being assertive is not your style, like with me. Do you know what your style is? Maybe you’re one of the following:

The Nice Person – who is afraid to say anything or do anything that might offend anyone, especially your peers, because they will call you other names other than “nice”.
The Whiner-who constantly whines and complains about
- the services you need and are not receiving
- how others treat you when you ask for services
- how professionals treat you when you try to discuss your progress (or lack there of)
- how bad everything is-but does nothing about it
The Clinging Vine-who clings to others and expects them to stick up for your rights and intervene on your behalf
The Silent Victim-who has resigned themselves to lack of needed services because “there’s nothing i can do about it”
The Fairy Princess-who expects everything to happen, and every service to bne delivered without any effort on your part
The Waiter-who waits for a miracle to happen, for something someone promised, who waits and waits and waits for someone else to do something
The Bombshell-who fires angry missiles sporadically, instead of calmly and methodically building a good case for what you need
The Scaredy Cat-afraid that “if I make trouble, they’ll get back at me”
Appeaser-who compromises your own needs because “if I ask for too much, they won’t give me anything”
The Sellout/Self-Advocate-who makes deals with those in charge to get services for themselves and pressures others not to ‘rock the boat’

I don’t know where you stand. Only you can answer that for sure. But, I am somewhere between “the nice person” and “the silent victim”. It really depends on the situation and my mood. If I’m pushed too far, I could randomly and thoughtlessly turn into “the bombshell” due to a mood. That often happens if I feel as though I’m under attack.

I also fear damaging relationships with others, along with being disliked. Who wants to feel disliked? Especially at work or some place where you spend excessive amounts of time.

Wouldn’t it feel good to call somebody out just once? Wouldn’t it be nice to say “no” for a change? Think of how empowering a tiny gesture could feel for just one moment. When I was asked to think about it, it made me feel great.

This where I am going to show you that there is a way to request a behavior change. I still have a hard time with it because it’s still new to me. But, when I looked at that sheet, I think I felt a bit of a smile cross my face. I guess that it is possible to be nice/tactful while asking someone else politely to change their behavior. Who knew?

It requires a lot of change on my part, which is just one more thing to add to the list of things I am fearful of. Because I hate uncertainty. There’s actually a lot about change that I do not like. But, I’m learning that it isn’t always a bad thing either. This one is going to take a while to sink in, but in group they do their best to inspire us to be open to the ideas they present. For me, I like quotes…quotes that make me think and keep me moving in a positive direction. So, when they handed me this worksheet, I was all too excited to find something that I related to.

Can you guess the quote that I chose? I chose the quote by Maria Robinson that says ” Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending”. And I honestly think that’s true. I can’t change where I have come from, or where I have been…but, I can use those experiences now to change the direction I am headed in. Since this group let out, that has been my plan.

If you have a favorite quote from the list that you can relate to, please feel free to share it with me. I know change is hard and it’s not going to come easy for me either. I’m going to have to work for it. And being assertive is one of the best things that I can do for myself to start anew and to make sure that I’m being treated in a way that I deserve-by myself and by others.

Goal Setting, For Dummies Like Me…

December 25, 2016December 24, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

So, as you know by now, I was admitted into a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at the local mental health facility.

I would describe my first day as being anxiety ridden and fearful. I didn’t know what to expect and thought I was going to get nothing but static as I walked into the room. They had computer issues that morning and were already late getting me over there, so everyone was there already when I arrived.

The day hospital is where my PHP takes place each day. It’s nice because it’s in this little house away from the actual impatient hospital. There are several offices inside, a full kitchenette, two bathrooms, a “Family Room” where our group sessions take place…and even a patio where we can step out for fresh air if need be.

As I walked through the door, I was asked to sign in on a sheet of paper that would log my time there in the facility. I was then given a tour of the house. And when I was told to find a place in the “Family Room”, I did so very slowly and hesitantly. People were looking at me. People of various ages, backgrounds and with different issues than mine (as far as I knew). I was very quiet and kept to myself and felt like curling into a ball in my spot at the table. Here and there, people would make small gestures of kindness…such as introducing themselves to me…but that uneasy feeling just didn’t want to leave me alone.

The first thing that happened was that I had to see my Nurse to have my vitals checked. I have never met such a kind, inspiring person. This Nurse is wonderful. And I’m sure I’ll get more into her as my story develops.

That day, I was pulled in and out of the group room so many times….to see the doctor, to see the case worker, to talk to this/that person. It was so chaotic. I felt like I was missing out on every opportunity there was for me to gain anything from my situation. But, there was one session that day I was able to take in completely. And that happened to be the Nurse’s group on goal setting.

Here are the Guidelines for Goal Setting, as given by the Nurse. The goals also had to be SMART. If you’re anything like me, you’re completely thrown off when put in this position. I had no idea what my goals should be be. I was lost when she was going over the details of it all. And to be honest, I felt quite overwhelmed.

Before I share with you what my personal goals were that day, I’ll give you a few notes that I took down in my journal as I listened to the Nurse speak.

Goals should ALWAYS be positive
one member of the group said this that resonated with me, “Goals make you live life intentionally.”
Life is like the Sea, without a compass we will drift and fall into chaos. Goals create that compass for our life, providing us with direction to keep us from drifting.
Goals are NEVER to depend on anyone else. And if someone else is involved in your goal, you MUST acquire their permission as the goal itself.
Your goal should be something that you REALLY want and should always be positive.
“Don’t ever put your hat where you can not reach it.”
Don’t expect to build a house in one day, first you must lay the foundation (small goals), then you can start adding bricks, and eventually you will have a house (a larger goal).
It is okay to be flexible with your goals, as long as you replace one goal with something positive that continues to work towards your larger goal.
In everything you do, think about what the benefit is. If it comes back no good, empty or blank — let it go, it’s not for you.

Since this was the only part of the group’s day that I was part of, I participated. I know that my overall goal is to find happiness again and to lead a more meaningful and happier life. I want to find my light again. But, to think of minimal goals for the weekend was tough for me. So I sat there with my pen and paper and made the goals to: clip my dog’s toe nails, read two chapters of my book, to complete a worksheet I had been given earlier that day and to not bring harm to myself (self-harm/cutting).

As I was listening to everyone else’s goals for the weekend, I realized how small mine were and how simple they seemed to be accomplished. When I said something about it, muttering to myself how silly they sounded, the Nurse spoke up. She said it takes baby steps to achieve the bigger steps…and that if those things needed to be done, they were still good goals to have.

Over the course of the weekend, I referred to my sheet. And as each goal (no matter how small it may have been) was checked off, I felt a sense of accomplishment and like I had done something to be proud of. It sounds silly, but I encourage you to try it..and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

I don’t have a copy of the worksheet that I was given available to me, but you can create your own. Simply say that you will _____________________________________ using the SMART acronym provided to you. And as you achieve each goal, mark how you feel. It should be quite the rewarding experience!

The Mind Trap

December 24, 2016December 24, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I previously blogged about the myths surrounding me and my anxiety disorder. If you missed it, you should definitely read it and I would encourage you to keep reading my blogs in the order in which I have them written. The reason for this, is because this is my journey…these are things that I am learning for myself – and if you can relate to me at all, they may be things that you would also like to think about and/or experience.

When thinking of a mind trap, I think of falling into the belief that something has to be true because that’s the way it is and the way it always has been. And I suppose that’s somewhat true. Buying into falsehoods or myths definitely aren’t going to get me where I am hoping to end up.

So, while reading my book, I’ve learned of several ways that I can fall into this mind trap.

Fusing thoughts, images, places, memories…meaning, I can associate certain thoughts “as if” they are the same thing as the event or circumstance that they describe. When you think of fusion, it may be something that’s hard to understand. For me to completely understand I had to do an exercise where I would take an experience and then list the first five things that come to mind. Since humans have such judgmental minds, I allow those five individual thoughts to become the very experience that I described. This gives the thought more importance in my brain that it truly deserves…and if that thought is negative, the impact it has on me is tremendously detrimental.
Evaluating Experiences…by associating an experience with a thought or feeling and tagging it with a judgment . I need to learn to take an experience and accept it for what it is – an experience. Whether it’s bad or good, it’s still only an experience. I tend to buy into and feed my negative judgments. Often, this causes me more pain and increases my suffering. It would be better in the long run if I let go of the judgments and left the experiences as unedited entities that have occurred. Overthinking has always been a downfall of mine, though…and this one is going to be a tough habit to break. My desire is to feed a more compassionate heart and to forgo feeding the Painful Wolf.
Avoiding Experiences…only provide me with temporary relief from the bad thoughts and feelings that I may associate with them. That’s probably why I have done it for so long and continue to do it to this day. This allows me to buy into the idea that my worries and anxieties are “bad”. But, is that necessarily true? I have a hard time believing it’s not. But what I’ve been learning is that it’s only through experience that we learn who we do and do not want to become, or how we do or do not want to live. I need these experiences to move towards the life that I so desperately want to live. And through the negative experiences, I know what choices I want to make. I was asked to read the story of the Emperor Moth in order to better understand the idea.

Am I ready to recognize the mind traps that have been baited and set before me? I’m not sure. I have acknowledged them, but it will probably take some time before I’m able to recognize them for what they are. I know that I don’t want to stay stuck and feed into the struggle and negativity that I’ve been letting run my life for so long.

The following are the recommended exercises that I’ve been asked to learn in order to better observe my experiences.

Mind Watching-“Imagine your mind is a medium-sized room with two doors. Thoughts come in through the front door and leave out the back door. First, watch each thought as it enters. Keep watching to see what it is going to do next. Don’t do anything with it. Your only task here is simply to watch that thought. Don’t engage it or argue with it. Don’t analyze it. It’s just a brief visitor to the room. And when it’s ready to leave, let it go out the back door and do not try to hold on to it. If you find that you’re judging yourself for having the thought, that’s fine. Acknowledge that, but don’t bother to argue with yourself. The key is to keep watching and noticing, but to not become emotionally invested into the thoughts and/or beliefs. Continue this until you feel an emotional distance from your thoughts-to where they are just a moment in the room and nothing more-no longer important and no longer requiring action.” This has become one of my favorite forms of meditation and mind exercising.
Mindful Walking-“When you walk you will notice that you do not have to think much about what your legs and body are doing. They are seemingly on auto-pilot. The goal here is to bring awareness to the experience. So, as you walk, focus on your breathing and walk naturally as you bring your awareness to the rhythm of your steps and how your body feels as it moves. If thoughts come, notice them and let them go, as you bring your attention back to just walking. Feel your feet on the ground, your hips moving with each stride. Note the sensations. You should notice that you’re moving with your thoughts and feelings in tow, all going forward. Silently repeat a mantra such as: I am whole, I am complete, I am in flow. And when you’re finished walking, allow yourself a little bit of time to reflect upon your experience.” This is something that I haven’t had much experience with, as I usually have some sort of company while walking. But, this exercise would be great for someone who enjoys their own space or quiet time.
Riding Out the Storm

This is where I think it will become difficult for me. It’s sometimes difficult to notice when I’m caught up in the trap. And sometimes I feed the wrong wolves. But, the costs are high for me this time and this is an important step for me to take in order to get out of the anxiety/depression traps and back into my life.

Myths are a waste of time. They prevent Progression.

December 24, 2016December 24, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

It’s Christmas Eve and I’d like to wish anyone who reads my entries a Happy Holiday…just as a side note.

Pre-Blog Exercise: If you choose to do this exercise with me, don’t think of the Pink Elephant in the room.

I’ve been learning about mental illnesses and the different types of worries, anxieties and fears that people experience. Though, they are not exactly the same; they have so much in common. There’s some comfort found in being able to label your suffering. But, do you really want to be known for or as the label of your problem for the rest of your life? I know that I don’t.

So many things have been pounded into our heads about our disorders by the Media, Doctors, even our peers. You may have heard that anxiety is a disease like that of Cancer. Or you may have heard that it is hereditary. Some people even believe that herbal remedies and diet changes can even alter your disorder. There are so many things that we are told that it almost becomes something more in itself…a whole new level of anxiety, for dealing with our anxiety. How is that helpful? It isn’t.

Anxiety is Hereditary

Think about this one for a moment. Go ahead…

You may notice that your mother or siblings all struggle with some sort of anxiety problem. “It runs in my family” has probably popped into your head once or twice. And though on the outside, it appears to be true, this is in fact false.

If you say “it runs in my family”, take a minute to think about that statement. If your mother suffers from it and your siblings suffer from it, could it not also be true that from watching your mother’s behavior you have learned to react to certain situations in specific ways? It might even be that you have inherited the predisposition of anxious behavior, just like you inherit a predisposition to be athletic, extroverted or a fast learner. But, that isn’t the same thing as inheriting a disorder. Remember what you can and can’t control. And you can control your actions/reactions when you are feeling anxious.

Intense Anxiety is Not Normal

If you have an anxiety disorder, like I do, you know that at times it can be extremely intense. The fact that I couldn’t deal with it on my own, is part of the reason why I am seeking help for it now.

But does that mean that intense anxiety isn’t normal? No.

Think of moments of fear, like on a rollercoaster. Or maybe you have been through a natural disaster (such as a tornado). The feelings you get are very intense at the time, but they are temporary for most. In fact, they’re quite normal. The feelings that you have in those moments are not stopping you from leading the life you want to live. The problem comes when you don’t know how to take those thoughts and feelings with you and they interfere and become barriers to the life we want to lead.

Anxiety Makes You Weak

All human beings have suffering. Without suffering, there is no compassion. It’s built into us. It’s part of who we are.

I know that it can be hard to understand and believe at times. Hell, I view myself as broken, faulted and as if I have a personality defect. You might be laughing, but it’s been pounded into my head by everyone around me that there is something wrong with me. It’s the great illusion fueled by your own mind on what “perfect” must look like. The other thing that will always be an issue is the idea that we must compare ourselves to others. This happens to me when I see people out and about, doing happy things and living so-called happy lives. I become envious of what they must have that they appear to be so happy. It makes me feel as though I’m missing something that they must have.

These things don’t make me weak, though. They simply make me human.

To Live Happy, You Have To Be Happy

“In order to live better, I must first think and feel better. And once I start thinking and feeling better, my life will improve for the better.” Heed the warning, this is nothing more than a trap!

This has been a trap that has caught me so many times that it’s not funny anymore. Not that it was even laughable to begin with. But, it’s common. And in lame man’s terms, it’s says that your pain is so “bad” that you shouldn’t think about it or deal with it…it should be pushed down and avoided. Do you know how exhausting it is to push down this enormous amount of pain and to hold it down, just to look like you are happy? I found that it’s a temporary relief from what I might have been feeling, but that band aid isn’t going to hold!

The idea that you can rid yourself of pain may also leave you using objects or people as a crutch. I’m like this with certain people. They are my “safe people”. Meaning, as long as they are around, I might feel a little more at ease and a bit more relaxed. But, at the same time, I’m waiting for the ball to drop!

I will say this – it may all feel good in the moment, to feel as though you have managed or avoided your anxiety, but that’s a short-term feeling. And if you look further at it, you’ll find out that there are boundaries that come with it, limiting you as to what you can do. First hand, I’ve spent so much time trying to manage and control my anxiety, that it’s taken away from the things that I care about in my life. In turn, causing me more anxiety and at times even shutting me completely down.

The Hard Truth

The hard truth is that I’m not going to find a cure for my anxiety in a pill, person, place or thing. My mind is going to try to tell me otherwise, I know. And those times are going to be difficult to deal with – but, hey this is what I signed up for by taking the path to self-discovery. Experience tells me that these temporary fixes are just that…temporary.

The myths are all very limiting and set boundaries on what my happy life could be. They become obstacles in my path of finding that happiness that I so long for; a barrier between me and the life I want to live.

I have let worry, anxiety and depression rule my life for far too long. I am more than a PTSD diagnosis and so is my life. It’s time I let go of the lies I’ve always known and come to believe that there is a way I can carry the “pain” with me, while living the life I’ve always wanted to live.

If you’re going on this journey with me, maybe we can figure all of this out together…