fear

I figured that today was a good day to start talking about my personal Diagnosis. Though, I will be breaking them down in to single categories, in full I am diagnosed with C-PTSD, Anxiety Disorder and Clinical Depression.

Today, we’ll talk about anxiety on a personal level. How it has affected me personally and how I’ve felt about it, etc.

The first thing that we’re going to do is define the diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

Next, let’s take a look at some of the symptoms. When doing so, please remember that the symptoms are not always limited to this list.

So, on a more personal level, let me tell you about my symptoms. I can relate to the constant worrying or obsession about small or large concerns. These are mostly caused by my mind-reading and other unhelpful thought patterns that we’ve previously discussed. I tend to think everyone hates me or is against me. I always assume the worst and by doing that, I think that I’m helping myself when in reality, I’m only hurting myself. I am constantly in a state of somewhere between asleep and awake, as I suffer from sleep problems. I’ve had my medications changed on me four times within the last two months and I can tell you, I wish they could find something that works. I wake up on average, every three hours while sleeping. And this is after I’ve had trouble falling asleep to begin with. If I become highly tired, I also become very irritable. Irritability is also caused by taking on too much at one time and overwhelming myself. I’m absolutely no stranger to it. Due to the amount of stress that I place on myself, I do become physically tense and experience a lot of back and shoulder pain. It’s not a pleasant experience at all. When it’s at it’s worst, I shake a little bit because I’m very afraid of what’s coming next. Even if I have no reason to be, I am very afraid. I often sweat a lot in states of extreme nervousness and if I can’t resolve the issue quickly, I become angry with myself and begin to feel sick to my stomach. The physical ailments aligned with anxiety are more than you could ever possibly imagine. It’s not until I’m having panic attacks, that the shortness of breath, tight chest, throat closing and rapid heartbeat start to occur.

All of that probably sounds like I’m exaggerating. But, sadly I’m not. I wish I were. And that’s not even the complete list of my symptoms.

So, next comes the panic attack for me. I’m going to take this time to define that for you.

These are NOT fun. And I do not wish them upon anyone. I often lose my balance, find myself swaying, feeling as though my throat is closing along with chest pain and hot flashes. Palpitations, Sweating, and Trembling go right along with those things. It’s exhausting having a panic attack. And you can never really tell when they will hit. There are a few obvious triggers for me personally, but I could be out shopping or be faced with having to make a decision and suddenly it hits.

So, along with symptoms, come a list of disorders or other common ailments.

So, the disorders above are very specific in what they are attributed to. If you want to know which ones I relate most to, they are: PTSD, Social Phobia (Social Anxiety), Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety.

PTSD we will talk about in another Diagnosis Section of my blog.

As far as Social Anxiety goes, it’s the worst. I always think people are super critical of me and worry about what they will think or how they will judge me. I feel super awkward trying to start and maintain a conversation, like I’m just waiting to say that one weird thing or embarrassing myself in the process. So, I end up isolating myself, to avoid the fear and anxiety of it. This is something that I’m now working on doing better at. I’ve been knocking on my social phobia’s door and saying hello more frequently. But, it’s difficult to want to do it.

Oh my, Panic Disorder. I can relate to what the definition says about avoiding certain situations, places and things. I dislike crowds very much, I feel like I can’t move in them. It’s like I’m being squeezed very tightly by a bunch of pressure that is made up of the people surrounding me. So I avoid anything that puts me into that situation. I will panic. I have to sit on the end row in the movie theaters and I must know where the nearest restroom is. Maybe that’s weird to you, but knowing how my body functions sometimes, I just feel it’s for the best. And I don’t want to have to crawl out over people if I need to leave suddenly.

General Anxiety (GAD) I feel is what most people relate to. But, I feel as though I take it to the extreme. I worry and then I worry some more, about anything and everything…even if I have to actually actively find something to worry about. I will worry. Whether it’s about finances, relationships, what people think or feel about me, or even whether I’m questioning myself. It’s at times so overwhelming and hard to contain. But, I guess that’s why I’m on the meds that I’m currently on.

Some days, I feel as though I can’t even get out of bed, the feelings are just too much for me to want to face. It’s scary. It’s the abundance of this along with my depression that made me do what I did to myself whenever it got to be too much.

This brings me to medications. I’m sure many of you are as familiar with these as I am.

Since my anxiety diagnosis, I have seen a lot of medications come and go. From this list alone, I’ve been on: Mirtazapine, Trazodone, Venlafaxine, Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Buspirone, and maybe a couple more that I’ve forgotten by now. And maybe a few that aren’t even listed. I know for certain I don’t see Klonopin or Effexor up there, but I’ve been on those as well. They may be more for depression though, we’ll find out later.

Some other natural things that I do in order to keep my anxiety in check are to clean, declutter and organize my house. And since I’ve figured out that the Lavender scent is supposed to help, I have gone way overboard with that. I used to drink chamomile and/or sleepy time teas. But, I haven’t done that in quite a while now. I think I found it relaxing, for what that’s worth. And then there’s the giant elephant in the room….exercise. Who wants to do that?! But, sometimes, there is no better cure for what ails me than to drag my butt outside or even just out of bed and get to work on something constructive.

There will always be this war inside of my head. But, at least I’m fighting and not giving in.

This too, shall pass.

It’s been a great day full of positivity in Group. I felt good about the lessons we were learning. And it’s funny to me that I’m just now learning these lessons. But, hey they’re important. We even went for a walk around campus today to enhance our senses and build on calming techniques that we’ll probably talk about in a different post.

Let’s start today off with the quote I have written in my journal:
“If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has twenty five more letters”.

I hope that made you smile, as it did me. And I hope that you can find meaning and hope in that, as I did.

Don’t Be Afraid to Lose Control

I giggled at this lesson, as we began to learn to let go of control, or the idea of control. But, in reality – there are so, so many things out of our hands and that we have absolutely no control over whatsoever.

You could define control as the power to influence and/or direct peoples’ behaviors or the course of events. That would be a technical definition of the word. But, isn’t it more than that?

Control is something that you can have OVER people and/or events. It gives you a sense of entitlement and empowerment. It’s something that a lot of us have trouble either gaining or letting go of. My guess is that most of us have more trouble letting go of it.

I can give you the example of house cleaning. You may prefer to do things as I do, clean the room from top to bottom and do the floors last. In my head that’s where all of the dust and dirt lands as I’m cleaning above, so logically I would do it in that order. However, if John cleans the room, he may vacuum and then pick up the area and/or dust. It may not make sense to us. But, just because he did it differently, that doesn’t mean he is wrong. That doesn’t mean that MY way is the ONLY way to do something. And man, it will eat at me, but you know what? I’m going to keep my mouth shut because I am grateful for the help and because I don’t want to end up having to do it myself.

So, now let’s move on to something that I am all too familiar with. They call it “catastrophizing”. In essence, it’s an irrational thought that a lot of us will have where we actually believe something is much worse than it is in reality. I catch myself doing this often. Blowing things out of proportion is like second nature to me, when it comes to negative events or comments in relation to myself. For instance, I will say “Oh my God, the house is such a disaster.” When in reality it’s just a few things that need to be picked up and placed where they belong. But, all I could see was the negative blown way out of proportion. And yes…I’m laughing at myself right this instant. Because this is so me. Catastrophizing though only adds fuel to the fire, which just adds to the anxiety that we already have in our lives. So, this is something I have to work on. This is something that I can improve on and will. Because my sanity depends on it.

You may not know this. I didn’t know this. But, the Serenity Prayer is often used to help people who catastrophize things. And if this is you, and you have that kind of Faith – maybe it would help you, too! Even if you don’t have that kind of Faith, the words make perfect sense and you may still find comfort in them.

That only leaves me with fear. Fear is nothing but an anxious feeling caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience. And get this – the event or experience will most likely NOT EVEN OCCUR. Remember that when you’re afraid. Sure, there are instances where it will be in direct reaction to something…that’s not the kind of fear that I’m talking about though. The kind of fear I’m talking about is something like the fear of change.

And so we’ve come full circle now, when I say – in order to break free from fear, we have to then let go of control.

As I type this out, it sounds so much deeper than it actually is. But, it’s still true. And quite frankly, easy to do once you make the decision to do it. That’s the trick though; you have to want to do it. I don’t know about you, but as soon as that meant some of my anxiety would go away, I was on board with making that decision. I don’t need more anxiety than I already have!

So, here are some ways that I have learned to let go of the control.

Change your mindset. This is going to take practice and time. If you’ve made the decision to change, you’ll be more than willing to make time to practice it. But, this means you will have to stop being a perfectionist and understand that we all make ‘mistakes’. I have learned to become more comfortable with letting things go a bit and allowing someone else to take the wheel for me and drive. It might be uncomfortable at first, but in the end, it sure does take some of the load off.
Work on Yourself. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? I see a hot mess when I look into mine. But, that’s not going to get me anywhere good. So, the idea here is to create a sense of self-worth and to grow your self-esteem. If you have more confidence, you’ll be more certain of your decisions and also put that confidence into others.
Delegate Tasks. Now this isn’t saying that you need to put your entire workload onto the next person. But, it is saying that it is okay for you to ask for help from time to time; or even allow someone to assist you if they’ve offered. Let’s face it, the weight of the world is heavy at times and our to-do lists can get mighty lengthy. If you have children, a spouse or partner…anyone, don’t be afraid to assign them duties or items to check off that to-do list! I have a hard time asking for help. But, I’m learning that swallowing my pride and allowing for the assistance is a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Sometimes, things even get done more quickly than if I would have taken them all on myself!

Let’s not be afraid of change. I know I can’t afford to fear it. I need it in my life…and a lot of it. But, let that change move you in the right direction. It should be a positive direction with your end goal in mind. I’m not afraid anymore. No fear. And I’m certainly no longer afraid of change. I’ve seen the difference the tiniest of changes can make in my life. I’ve finally looked that monster in the eyes and told it I’m the one in charge now!

Irrational Thoughts That Cause Stress

By catastrophizing and thinking irrationally, we only cause ourselves more stress in the end. I’m guilty of being irrational in highly emotional situations. Hell, I’ll even go as far to say I can be irrational when I’m being stubborn. If any of the following thoughts pop up in your head, consider that you may not be thinking clearly:

It is essential to be loved/liked by everyone all of the time.
I can’t stand for anyone to be angry with me or to dislike me.
I must always be competent.
Making a mistake is terrible!
Every problem has a perfect solution.
I can’t change the way I am/think/feel.
I must not show weakness or cry.
Strong people do not ask for help.
Everything is within my control.
Everyone should see things the way that I do.
I am always right.
People should do what I want because they love me.
The world ought to be fair.

In most cases, these are all unrealistic expectations. I know first hand that it was not easy for me to ask for the help that I am now receiving. And I know that it takes a damned strong person to seek help when they need it. Don’t let pride get in your way. Ever. Emotions are nothing to be ashamed of, you are not always right, and mistakes do happen…we are human after all.

By relinquishing some control and thinking more clearly, you and I will both be leading lives that are at the very least, slightly less stressful.

Tag: fear

Diagnosis: Anxiety

I Got the Powa!