Tag: goals

Nice Guys Finish Last…

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I’m sure you’ve always heard the phrase “Kill them with kindness.”  But, while being kind is always a good thing, too much kindness can turn into something very bad.

In my PHP group, we had a lesson on learning to be assertive and the importance of it.  It not only creates boundaries for yourself, but also teaches others that you’re not the pushover they believe you to be.

I’m not going to lie.  This one I am going to struggle with.  I have been known in the past to be assertive, but somewhere along the way I became one of “the nice guys”.  You know the one – the person who is always picking up slack, overachieving, doing for others, giving and never taking – the person that NEVER says a simple “no”.

I have never liked confrontation and I have been known to avoid it like the plague, itself.  It’s hard on me and I always feel like if I’m confronted, that I have to be the “yes person” or as if I have to cower from the other person/people involved.  Somewhere along the line, I developed this fear.  And I haven’t been able to shake it.

Here you will find a Conflict Management Styles Quiz.  I encourage you to take it and find out who you are in terms of conflict and confrontation. When I took it, I surprisingly came out as the Harmonizer.  Which means that I’m a peacemaker, but that I often get taken advantage of.  It was true.  That describes me to perfection.  How did you do?

If being assertive is not your style, like with me.  Do you know what your style is?  Maybe you’re one of the following:

  • The Nice Person – who is afraid to say anything or do anything that might offend anyone, especially your peers, because they will call you other names other than “nice”.
  • The Whiner-who constantly whines and complains about
    • the services you need and are not receiving
    • how others treat you when you ask for services
    • how professionals treat you when you try to discuss your progress (or lack there of)
    • how bad everything is-but does nothing about it
  • The Clinging Vine-who clings to others and expects them to stick up for your rights and intervene on your behalf
  • The Silent Victim-who has resigned themselves to lack of needed services because “there’s nothing i can do about it”
  • The Fairy Princess-who expects everything to happen, and every service to bne delivered without any effort on your part
  • The Waiter-who waits for a miracle to happen, for something someone promised, who waits and waits and waits for someone else to do something
  • The Bombshell-who fires angry missiles sporadically, instead of calmly and methodically building a good case for what you need
  • The Scaredy Cat-afraid that “if I make trouble, they’ll get back at me”
  • Appeaser-who compromises your own needs because “if I ask for too much, they won’t give me anything”
  • The Sellout/Self-Advocate-who makes deals with those in charge to get services for themselves and pressures others not to ‘rock the boat’

I don’t know where you stand.  Only you can answer that for sure.  But, I am somewhere between “the nice person” and “the silent victim”.  It really depends on the situation and my mood.  If I’m pushed too far, I could randomly and thoughtlessly turn into “the bombshell” due to a mood.  That often happens if I feel as though I’m under attack.

I also fear damaging relationships with others, along with being disliked.  Who wants to feel disliked?  Especially at work or some place where you spend excessive amounts of time.

Wouldn’t it feel good to call somebody out just once?  Wouldn’t it be nice to say “no” for a change?  Think of how empowering a tiny gesture could feel for just one moment.  When I was asked to think about it, it made me feel great.

This where I am going to show you that there is a way to request a behavior change.  I still have a hard time with it because it’s still new to me.  But, when I looked at that sheet, I think I felt a bit of a smile cross my face.  I guess that it is possible to be nice/tactful while asking someone else politely to change their behavior.  Who knew?

It requires a lot of change on my part, which is just one more thing to add to the list of things I am fearful of.  Because I hate uncertainty.  There’s actually a lot about change that I do not like.  But, I’m learning that it isn’t always a bad thing either.  This one is going to take a while to sink in, but in group they do their best to inspire us to be open to the ideas they present.  For me, I like quotes…quotes that make me think and keep me moving in a positive direction.  So, when they handed me this worksheet, I was all too excited to find something that I related to.

Can you guess the quote that I chose?  I chose the quote by Maria Robinson that says ” Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending”.  And I honestly think that’s true.  I can’t change where I have come from, or where I have been…but, I can use those experiences now to change the direction I am headed in.  Since this group let out, that has been my plan.

If you have a favorite quote from the list that you can relate to, please feel free to share it with me.  I know change is hard and it’s not going to come easy for me either.  I’m going to have to work for it.  And being assertive is one of the best things that I can do for myself to start anew and to make sure that I’m being treated in a way that I deserve-by myself and by others.

 

Goal Setting, For Dummies Like Me…

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So, as you know by now, I was admitted into a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at the local mental health facility.

I would describe my first day as being anxiety ridden and fearful.  I didn’t know what to expect and thought I was going to get nothing but static as I walked into the room.  They had computer issues that morning and were already late getting me over there, so everyone was there already when I arrived.

The day hospital is where my PHP takes place each day.  It’s nice because it’s in this little house away from the actual impatient hospital.  There are several offices inside, a full kitchenette, two bathrooms, a “Family Room” where our group sessions take place…and even a patio where we can step out for fresh air if need be.

As I walked through the door, I was asked to sign in on a sheet of paper that would log my time there in the facility.  I was then given a tour of the house.  And when I was told to find a place in the “Family Room”, I did so very slowly and hesitantly.  People were looking at me.  People of various ages, backgrounds and with different issues than mine (as far as I knew).  I was very quiet and kept to myself and felt like curling into a ball in my spot at the table.  Here and there, people would make small gestures of kindness…such as introducing themselves to me…but that uneasy feeling just didn’t want to leave me alone.

The first thing that happened was that I had to see my Nurse to have my vitals checked.  I have never met such a kind, inspiring person.  This Nurse is wonderful.  And I’m sure I’ll get more into her as my story develops.

That day, I was pulled in and out of the group room so many times….to see the doctor, to see the case worker, to talk to this/that person.  It was so chaotic.  I felt like I was missing out on every opportunity there was for me to gain anything from my situation.  But, there was one session that day I was able to take in completely.  And that happened to be the Nurse’s group on goal setting.

Here are the Guidelines for Goal Setting, as given by the Nurse.  The goals also had to be SMART.  If you’re anything like me, you’re completely thrown off when put in this position.  I had no idea what my goals should be be.  I was lost when she was going over the details of it all.  And to be honest, I felt quite overwhelmed.

Before I share with you what my personal goals were that day, I’ll give you a few notes that I took down in my journal as I listened to the Nurse speak.

  • Goals should ALWAYS be positive
  • one member of the group said this that resonated with me, “Goals make you live life intentionally.”
  • Life is like the Sea, without a compass we will drift and fall into chaos.  Goals create that compass for our life, providing us with direction to keep us from drifting.
  • Goals are NEVER to depend on anyone else.  And if someone else is involved in your goal, you MUST acquire their permission as the goal itself.
  • Your goal should be something that you REALLY want and should always be positive.
  • “Don’t ever put your hat where you can not reach it.”
  • Don’t expect to build a house in one day, first you must lay the foundation (small goals), then you can start adding bricks, and eventually you will have a house (a larger goal).
  • It is okay to be flexible with your goals, as long as you replace one goal with something positive that continues to work towards your larger goal.
  • In everything you do, think about what the benefit is.  If it comes back no good, empty or blank — let it go, it’s not for you.

Since this was the only part of the group’s day that I was part of, I participated.  I know that my overall goal is to find happiness again and to lead a more meaningful and happier life.  I want to find my light again.  But, to think of minimal goals for the weekend was tough for me.  So I sat there with my pen and paper and made the goals to: clip my dog’s toe nails, read two chapters of my book, to complete a worksheet I had been given earlier that day and to not bring harm to myself (self-harm/cutting).

As I was listening to everyone else’s goals for the weekend, I realized how small mine were and how simple they seemed to be accomplished.  When I said something about it, muttering to myself how silly they sounded, the Nurse spoke up.  She said it takes baby steps to achieve the bigger steps…and that if those things needed to be done, they were still good goals to have.

Over the course of the weekend, I referred to my sheet.  And as each goal (no matter how small it may have been) was checked off, I felt a sense of accomplishment and like I had done something to be proud of.  It sounds silly, but I encourage you to try it..and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

I don’t have a copy of the worksheet that I was given available to me, but you can create your own.  Simply say that you will _____________________________________ using the SMART acronym provided to you.  And as you achieve each goal, mark how you feel.  It should be quite the rewarding experience!