happiness

Tools For Recovery

January 21, 2017January 20, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

Rather than actually going through the 50 individual tools that we were given in class, I am going to leave them here for you to review on your own time. They say that they are for Staying Clean/Sober, but trust me when I say that they apply to every type of recovery. I’m just taking the lazy way out of trying to explain it. But, if you’d like me to help you understand any of them, please do leave me a comment.

One thing that I’m still working on is trying to keep in mind where I am emotionally when thinking about how much I can take on…I need to stay mindful and not take on too much, too soon. When I was released from the program, not even two weeks went by and I thought I was on top of the world. Full of positivity, feeling confident and ready to jump back into life with both feet. Don’t do this. It’s a bad idea. After two weeks, I can already tell you that it was a poor decision and that I need to take more time, as much time as I emotionally and mentally need, to get back into the full swing of my life.

I’m going to share this song with you, because it’s very relative to the progress of recovery: If I Could Kill A Word – Eric Church

Here is a site that also may be a good resource: Mindful Creation

And a couple of apps: Mindfulness: The Art of Being and Buddha.

“Balance is Not Something You Find -It’s Something You Create” Jana Kingsford

January 20, 2017January 20, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

Take a moment and think about the things in your life that may need to be balanced. Your first instinct may be to say your checkbook or your work and social lives. And that’s an okay place to start.

Look around yourself. Now ask yourself “Why are people not reaching where they want to be in life?” It’s simply because things are out of sync…and they need balancing.

When I was given this lesson, so many things just clicked in my head between this and cultivating my own happiness. They are somewhat relative and this one made me look at specific areas and things that I could be doing wrong or that I could definitely make improvements upon.

I looked it up and this was the closest thing I could find to the Life Balance Wheel that I want to look at. There are several different ones out there that throw in a few extra things here and there, or even leave out elements that this one has. I prefer this one, so this is the one I’m going to use when talking about creating balance in my life.

Life Balance Wheel

Don’t kill your eyes trying to read whatever that is scribbled in the colored areas. The main things I want to look at are those big words around the edge of the circle.

You may be looking at this thing and wondering what on Earth it is or what it means. Don’t worry..I’m going to break it down as it applies to me.

Environmental-enjoying the surroundings in which you live. What
you come home to has an important effect on how you feel day to day. If you’ve got
lots of unfinished jobs around the house or you’re not happy with where or how you
live, look at what you could do to change it. Pick one outstanding task and aim to do
it by the end of the week. (http://clareevans.co.uk/life-balance-wheel/)

Did you know that the environment that you spend most of your time in can alter your mood or add extra anxiety to your already full plate? I had never even thought of this before. And this is where I got my decluttering blog topic from. Your environment may include people, where you live, clutter, etc..if something is out of whack, you’re going to feel it.

As I looked around my house, I saw nothing but things that needed to be done and clutter. And then I made up my mind that it was time to get rid of everything that I don’t need or don’t want. Or even clothes I wish still fit me. Every day that I’ve done this, I’ve felt so good and like I’m being cleansed. It’s really hard to explain. I have trouble doing this at times because when I was younger, we had things…but, it wasn’t a lot. So, when I got older and decided I could earn whatever I wanted, I didn’t want to let go of ANYTHING. So, this has been EXTREMELY good for me.

I have to remind myself that if my environment is not conducive, I will not feel well. So what I/we need is a good, healthy and therapeutic environment. Whatever that means to you. For me it’s new paint and a lot of extra clutter GONE!

Intellectual (not be confused with IQ) – get to know yourself better. What steps could you take this year to increase your own personal development? What behaviour would you like to change? Is there something that you’d like to learn to do better? (http://clareevans.co.uk/life-balance-wheel/)

This is the one that I enjoy working on the most. Though, I tend to get carried away with it at times and then neglect other areas that need balancing.

By expanding our creativity, our knowledge and our skills; I/we can help to refresh our emotional selves.

Often times, once we finish schooling or Education, we stop thinking about growing as if there were a cap on that. There isn’t! We have the ability to learn as if we were sponges and to take in so much more. Get out there and take classes on something new! There are community activities available in most areas, especially larger communities. Places like Hobby Lobby, Lowe’s, Home Depot, Michael’s and even the Public Library all off classes or resources on how you can get involved.

For me, I love the arts. I go out to the theater from time to time to see plays, I’ve been to see the Community Orchestra, I work on paintings and crafts and I write. All of these things are using my creative mind and help to make me feel good.

Physical– being fit, healthy and well. Are you a healthy weight for your height? How physically active are you – do you take regular exercise? Do you have a healthy diet – limited intake of sugar, caffeine, alcohol and processed food? When was the last time you visited the dentist, got your eyes tested, checked your blood pressure? (http://clareevans.co.uk/life-balance-wheel/)

Sure the above things from the cited website are important, but there are other things that fit into this category as well. It’s basically recognizing our need for nutrition or diet, sleep, and exercise. If any of these things become imbalanced, you’re working against Mother Nature and it isn’t going to bode well in the end.

With my anxiety, I actually have trouble sleeping. A lot of trouble. Even if I go to bed early, I wake up multiple times throughout the night after only two to three hours of sleep. The next day, I feel like complete shit. I’m on medications to help with the amount of rest I should be getting – but at the moment, they don’t seem to be working. And I like to walk because it’s a natural form of stress relief for me. Feeling the breeze, the ground and taking in everything around me. Unfortunately, all Seasons and weather don’t permit me to do this during certain times. And at night, it just isn’t an option.

Career/Occupation– enjoying your work. Is your job enjoyable and fulfilling? Do you have a plan in place to improve your career/business prospects, gain promotion or plan your retirement? How are your working relationships with your boss, colleagues and others around you? Get to know what makes them tick – after all they’re people too. (http://clareevans.co.uk/life-balance-wheel/)

The above website cited this strictly from a Business standpoint. However, this could be something that you do on your own or even volunteer work, as well. Balance comes with how much satisfaction is derived from what you are doing.

For me, inactivity leads to depression. It’s best that I kind of stay busy, but not get too carried away to the point where I don’t know if I’m coming or going anymore. I have to make time to rest, too. It’s all part of the balancing act, isn’t it?

Toxic co-workers and work environments also can lead us to be miserable. In order to avoid this, set your personal boundaries from the get-go and learn how to say “no” more often. There were many jobs that I had when I was younger, where I didn’t know how to say “no”, and to be honest I’m still learning how, but I suffered from severe burnout and often got taken advantage of because of it. Don’t be like younger me.

If you need somewhere to volunteer (I volunteer most of my time to animals), you can Google the United Way or get matched with an agency near you at volunteermatch.org.

Emotional-Stress is inevitable.

Learning how to manage and cope with stress levels is a vital part of life and balance. Things that you can be doing to work on emotional balance are identifying triggers or things that amp up your anxiety levels, going to therapy/counseling, attending support group meetings, and make sure that you have the proper medication if you’re prescribed any. This also means to make sure you’re taking the appropriate dosage and not skipping any.

Whoa! That’s a lot. For me, this one is extra important, too. If it’s neglected, I will notice right away. I have triggers such as: a lot of random noises going on at one time, family, money, and a whole slew of things that I’m now forgetting because I’m having to try and jot them down for you. ha-ha. I do attend therapy sessions once per week and have been making great progress with our weekly meetings. We usually just talk about anything that’s been going on in my life, or things that may have come up over the past week and how I’ve dealt with them. This combined with my medications (disregard my sleep medication at the moment), help me to feel as though I have some balance in being able to communicate openly and honestly with someone who will not judge me in any way. Then, I also attend a weekly Support Group, as part of my after care and to help keep me on my toes. It’s nice to be able to go through things with people in the room that understand what it is you’re going through. And I never stop learning in there. Never. I had a second Support Group that I was going to, but I just didn’t find it as helpful.

Financial/Money-having enough to meet your needs. Do you know what it is that you
need on a monthly basis? Do you have any large credit card bills or loans? Do you
save 10% of you income? How well do you manage your expenses, investments
and savings? Would you like to have financial independence? (http://clareevans.co.uk/life-balance-wheel/)

This is everyone’s go to item for balancing. Having satisfaction with your current financial situation. This encompasses living within our means, Retirement, Savings accounts, 401k, you name it.

I don’t really have a lot to say about this one. And there isn’t a lot that I can say about this one that applies to me right now. I do have a Savings account, a 401k and enjoy living within my means. I am a thrifty, frugal person and I don’t typically like spending money on things that I don’t immediately need. And if it’s on myself, forget it. I’d rather go for necessity or giving to others.

For those of you interested, here is a sample of a simple budget.

Social-having time to relax and enjoy yourself. How regularly do you take time out for yourself to go and do something you really enjoy? This is one area of our life, which can get out of balance when we spend too much time at work. Arrange to do something this week to increase your fun. (http://clareevans.co.uk/life-balance-wheel/)

When I was taught this lesson, I was told that it’s best to have good and meaningful relationships. It doesn’t have to be many as long as the quality is there. Remember this. I’ve had to, as I’ve isolated myself off from pretty much everyone. I also need those people that I can trust to bounce ideas off of. When I’m facing a difficult decision in my life or even an easy one where I’m being completely indecisive, these people can help to steer me in the right direction. Or they may be like “hey, no, let’s not do that – it’s not a good idea.” I’ve also found that if I surround myself with uplifting people, I feel better about myself and who I am as an individual. I wouldn’t make it through the day without these people. And I have to ensure that I have a good support system. My support system up until now has been very thin because of events and choices…and because I did isolate myself for so long. But, I now have my best friend to include; who has been there for me every step of the way and who always finds the time to encourage me to keep working at it. He’s been a tremendous help and someone that I can trust and lean on. And thankfully, he never seems to get tired of me going off on the same old subjects. I can be me. I love him dearly for that and more. Anyone who has that kind of friend, should count themselves blessed. Beyond that, I have the weekly Support Group and my Therapist. I think it’s a healthy foundation, though quite a bit smaller than most peoples’.

Spiritual-having a sense of purpose.

When I went into the Hospital, I had lost this. I went in and said that it was my last resort and that I was “hoping to find hope” there, as my last stop. And I did. And I’ve regained my sense of purpose. Even if one person reads my blog and learns something from it or takes something from it. That’s purpose. Even if I smile at a stranger and it makes their day entirely better, that’s purpose. Helping others and animals. I have my purpose back. I’m not religious, but I have considered becoming more Spiritual. And although, I may not attend Church on Sundays, that doesn’t mean I can’t have Faith in Something more than myself. I still question what I was put on this Earth for, but I think it was to teach and to touch other peoples’ lives in a positive way. At least, that’s what it feels like to me right now. And I can live with that, because that’s something. And where I walked in, all hope lost..I found it again.

Remember when you’re trying to balance these areas of your life that one can feed off of the other. All eight need to be in balance. If your wheel isn’t balanced, think of it as a wobbly and uncomfortable moving object. Life isn’t going to stop for you. Instead, you need to find what you’re neglecting and fix it.

While I was in the Hospital, these were the things I wanted to work on in each category to become a more balanced individual:

{Goals for the Balance Wheel}

Environment-I need to declutter and find a way to organize my house. I may need to even repaint some areas. And fill the house with a scent that will reduce my anxiety (ie Lavender).
Intellectual-I can learn new photo/camera/editing techniques for my photography. I will pick up my arts again and do my best to experience new things.
Physical-I will do my best to eat better and to increase the amount of water that I drink.
Career-I will learn new ways to promote my photography and will set aside time during each month to Volunteer.
Emotional-I will learn other methods to cope with anxiety, stress, and high emotions other than cutting.
Financial-Continue to be thrifty and frugal in a healthy manner; not spending on things that I don’t need to spend on and to put up extra money.
Social-I will interact with more people in different environments to help break me out of my ‘comfort zone’. I will join a Support Group.
Spiritual-I will find meaning and blessings in the things that I am able to do. I will understand that I’m touching someone or something positively through the work and volunteering that I do.

If you knew me, I think you would be proud to know that I have been doing a fantastic job (imo) at all of the above things. And I’ve been doing great at switching between them when I feel one or the other is being neglected.

As always, thanks for reading.

Aren’t We?

January 13, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

The featured image says it all, does it not? And the title of the blog probably takes it one step further.

You know my story if you have been following my blog at all. You know my situation and the roads I’ve been down. And that I’m now on the path to a happy and healthy recovery…

Yesterday, I had to do it. I had to tell my family how I felt about their lack of support and I was very brutal and honest about it. In fact, I’m sure it probably hurt them or angered them a bit. I wouldn’t know — as I have not heard back from them as of tonight. I do know that my one sister finds some humor in it, with snide remarks and emojis in reaction to facebook posts. LOL — facebook. I hate that shit. If it wasn’t for my photography and other crafting site, I wouldn’t even be on it most likely. There is no point, just everyone poking their noses into everyone else’s business, making false assumptions and accusations over shit that they know nothing about. It makes me laugh if I post a quote or something and someone thinks it’s about them. Typically, it has something to do with me and my self-growth. But still, they make it about them.

My other sister hasn’t said anything. She was so gung-ho about calling the police from across the Country to have them put me into the hospital where I couldn’t hurt myself. She was so on board with having them pick me up from work or home and have them carry me off “to safety.” Then, all was good for the moment and nothing came of it. But, then I hit a really, really rough patch and went to rock bottom. I went in for the mental evaluation and I ADMITTED MYSELF into the facility. What happened to her enthusiasm to help me? What happened to making sure I was okay? Did she think it was some kind of joke? That I wasn’t really capable of doing anything to physically injure myself or destroy myself mentally and emotionally? I was. Was I ever. But, when I was there…you guessed it, no word from her. Still no word to this day.

I texted my Mother for the first three days I was there, because I thought that she cared about what I was going through. I thought she would find some comfort in seeing the building I was being treated at and in my telling her what I was doing during the days and how I was feeling. She wasn’t to be heard from either.

It was like I didn’t exist and that this never happened in their eyes.

Anyways, back to the subject at hand. I told them how I felt they were not supportive of me during my biggest time of need. And how I felt I’ve always supported them in theirs and that I’ve never asked for anything or wanted anything from any of them. But, when this hospitalization came into play, I needed all of the support I could get. I still do. And as I told them, I’ve had a support system of ONE.

Luckily, I now have a couple of Support Groups to attend and other things that make me happy that I’m playing around with. I feel good.

So, I felt it was time to confront them about how I had been feeling. And this was a heavy and long message. I didn’t hold back and it was straight from my heart and soul. And even though I knew there may have been consequences to the message, I felt so good after I sent it. Because I was tying up just one more loose end. I asked for closure and either way this goes, it’s closure for me. I was ready for a war, some nasty comments, some hurt feelings….and I’m still ready. I can deal with this now because I came out the other end stronger and with my head up high. Now I’m in control of how I’m made to feel. Not that I don’t still have my big ass heart; because I do. But, I have to cut off the pain and weight of worry and negativity.

It’s incredible. The feeling that you’ve done something for purely yourself for the first time in your life.

I love my family dearly with my whole heart. But, they weren’t there when I needed them. They couldn’t be bothered for not even a five minute text message during my two week hospital stay. A TEXT?! Like you could literally send it any time of the day or night just to ask how someone is doing…it makes no sense to me. But, that’s my perspective and my feelings. Theirs could be totally different.

I don’t know. I’m ready for whatever comes my way though. I do know that. I’m kicking this year’s ass so far; barging through every door that opens for me…..and so many have opened. I’m feeling great, my positivity is up and instead of spinning my tires in the mud, I’m making some real progress.

It doesn’t matter if anyone else is proud of me. I’m proud of me. And I’m going to be okay. I’m on the road to recovery, there are going to be bumps and curves. But, I got this.

Let’s Talk About Self-Esteem

January 8, 2017January 7, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I wanted to take a moment to talk about self-esteem because I have virtually none and I really need to reinforce this lesson, for myself. And if it helps you, too, that would be terrific!

“Do not fall into the trap of believing that you are back to square one, most people have bad days – it’s called being human.”

Go ahead and think that one over. I know I have to, several times. In essence, it simply means that the bad days will come and maybe you even become temporarily derailed from your track of progress. But you shouldn’t lose track of your personal growth goal when they do come – and they WILL come (you’ve heard me say this many times – it’s difficult for me to swallow at times). Just remember don’t beat yourself up over it. And when you can calm yourself and get your thoughts together to make a rational decision, pick up where you left off…even take a step backwards and look at how you can move forward from that point, if you have to. It can be done! I promise you.

Also remember this: “When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen”. Your story is your own, you can begin a new chapter for yourself any time you so choose to do so. Just make sure that you are the one making the decisions and directing your life path. Don’t let anyone else have so much control over you and your life that they are essentially writing your story. No! This is YOUR story…YOU make it happen. Hold that pen tightly and don’t let go of it.

If someone is a constant source of negativity, no matter how much you love them or care for them, let them go. It’s something you have to decide to do. But, what are they contributing to you from the relationship other than sadness, self-doubt, hurt feelings and possibly a lower self-image. I’ve been there, mostly in my past. If they are only memories that hold you back, choose to forgive or forget. Make the choice to not let that memory control who you want to be today. It’s a toughy. But if you’re ready, you’ll know that it’s an easy choice to make.

Here are a few tips for building Self-Esteem:

Do not set yourself up for relapse.
Do not put too much on your plate, too soon. That’s pretty much a set up.
Put yourself into situations where the probability of success is higher.

They sound easy enough, right? I believe that you and I can achieve them easily once our minds are clearly made up with the conscious decision to think and feel better in our own skin.

Some strategies for Building Self-Esteem

Crises of self-esteem are a part of the “human experience”. When you feel troubled by low self-esteem, review the suggestions below and choose those that are relevant to YOUR personal situation and work on them. Be patient with yourself, okay? Change takes time and hard, consistent work.

Free yourself from “should haves”. Live your life on the basis of what is possible for you and what feels right to you instead of what you or others think/feel you “SHOULD DO”. “Should haves” distract us from identifying and fulfilling our own needs, abilities, interests, and personal goals. This leaves us with unmet needs. And no one wants to deal with those. Find out what you want and what you are good at. Value those and take actions designed to fulfill your positive potential.
Respect your own needs. Recognize and take care of your own needs and wants first! Identify what really fulfills you –not just immediate gratifications. Respecting your deeper needs will increase your sense of worth and well-being.
Set achievable goals. Establish goals on the basis of what you can realistically achieve, then work step-by-step to develop your potential. To strive always for perfectionism in your goals invites stress and failure. That is the opposite of what we want. An example of this is when you’re in school and you tell yourself that “anything but an A in school is always unacceptable.” Don’t do this to yourself. You’re better than that and we both know it.
Talk to yourself POSITIVELY. Stop listening to your anxiety or your “cruel inner critic”. When you notice that you are doubting or judging yourself, replace such thoughts with self-accepting thoughts, balanced self-assessment and self-supportive directions.
This is the hardest one for me to do, honestly. My anxiety typically gets the best of me. But, after I step through the doorway of my fear, I find that things aren’t nearly as bad as I expected them to be. I listened to the devil on my shoulder, rather than my self-loving angel. Big mistake. I encourage you, don’t fall for what your anxiety is telling you. It will only bring you pain. And that’s what we’re trying to avoid here.
Test your reality. Separate your emotional reactions, such as fear and bad feelings, from the reality of your current situation. For example, you may feel stupid, anxious, or hopeless about a project or event. But if you think about it clearly, you may still have the ability and opportunity to accomplish something in it.
Experience success. Seek out and put yourself into situations in which the probability of success is high. Look for projects which stretch, but do not overwhelm, your abilities. Imagine yourself succeeding. Whatever you may accomplish, let yourself acknowledge and experience your success and good feelings about it. Bask in your progress and keep at it!
Take chances. New experiences are learning experiences which can build self-confidence. Expect to make mistakes as part of the process; don’t be disappointed if you don’t do it perfectly. Feel good about trying something new, making progress and increasing your competence. When you practice this one, remember “Practice Makes Perfect”. If you fall off of your bike, get right back on that baby and pedal away. Before long, you’ll be able to ride that bike with no hands! ha-ha.
Solve problems. Do not avoid problems, and do not moil about them. Face them, head on! Identify ways to solve them or to cope with them. If you run away from problems that you can and should solve, you threaten your self-confidence.
Make decisions. Practice making and implementing positive decisions flexibly, but firmly. Trust yourself to deal with the consequences. When you assert yourself, you enhance your sense of yourself, learn more, and increase your self-confidence. Just remember that YOU need to be in control of the decision making and that it should positively affect you in some way. These decisions can start out small and grow larger as you practice the skill. Remember the quote about holding the pen to the story of your life. That will come in useful here.
Develop your skills. Know what you can and can not do. Assess the skills you need; learn and practice those. For example, if you want to start painting pictures or taking photographs. You will need to identify the steps in doing either of those. Then you pick up the brush and/or the camera and you start practicing. Maybe you ask someone to model for you to begin your portfolio. Maybe your first painting is something that you needed to copy in your own style. Either way…..the steps are there and you know your own limits.
Emphasize your strengths. Focus on what you can do rather than what you can not. Accept current limitations and live comfortably within them. Even as you consider what your actual strengths are, what you might want or need to develop next. There are only limits that you set on yourself that are in your way. You can learn to push the boundaries, without overdoing it. Just focus on what you’re good at and what you know you’re capable of and the rest will fall into place.
Rely on your own opinion of yourself. Entertain feedback from others, but do not rely on their opinions. Remember that opinions are NOT facts; therefore, they may be made up or fictional. When you rely on someone’s opinion, it may actually be self-defeating. So, don’t do that! Instead, depend on your own values in making decisions and deciding how you feel about yourself and what is right for you to do. This is your life — do what you want and be happy with it. Be prepared to face the consequences either way. Because following your heart, values and own decisions leaves only you accountable. So, make them count!

Always remember to debate and replace your negative thoughts. You can not let people steal your joy. If it’s something that you want to work with and move forward with, don’t give others the power to take that away from you.

I say that, but I am one of the most guilty when it comes to letting others opinions, along with listening to my own thoughts and what my own fears and anxiety tell me. I let those things hurt me, drag me down and just make myself so much more fearful than anyone should be. That’s why I’m sharing these things with you now. We’re stronger than we know. And it’s time to let go of all of the negativity. If we can make decisions that we feel good about and that make us happy–then our own consequences are the only things we have left to worry about. If someone else doesn’t like it. They don’t have to. As long as what we’re doing makes us happy, screw them. Their opinions are not factual and mean nothing in our lives unless we give them the power to. Shut that power down.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

January 7, 2017January 6, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

During my two week stay at the Hospital, one of the group sessions was about making a change in your life. And let’s be honest…I could make some good changes to my mindset and life. So with my happiness as a goal, I was very attentive to the instructor and ready to fill out my Change Plan Worksheet Outline.

If you want to follow along with me, here is a copy of the Change Plan Worksheet. You can print this out or review it to decide what kind of changes may fit your personal goals and growth towards a happier you.

Here, is where I’m going to go step-by-step through my own. This will not only give you an example, but will also show you that even small changes can make a big difference. And the more small changes that you make, the bigger the change is to the larger picture. I hope you understand where I’m coming from. If not, feel free to leave me questions in the comments section below.

The changes I want to make are: to set up personal boundaries for myself and to not be so hard on myself or take on the worries of the world.
- List specific areas or ways in which you want to change: I need to say “NO” more often and realize that it’s not selfish to take care of myself; not faulting myself.
- Include positive goals (beginning, increasing, improving behaviors): increasing my personal levels of happiness and positivity. Increasing the number of thoughts that I “challenge”.
The most important reasons why I want to make these changes are: to be a happier & healthier version of myself. Because my life depends on it.
- What are some likely consequences of action and inaction: I could end up with a different outlook on life and a more positive mindset. The other consequence could be a life full of unhappiness and anger; leading to the possibilities of suicide.
- Which motivations for change seem most important to you? My ultimate happiness and quality of life need to be improved.
The steps I plan to take in changes are: to take baby steps and to worry less about what people think of what my choices are or what I’m doing.
- How do you plan to achieve the goals? By first achieving smaller goals that will accumulate to change the bigger picture in my life.
- Within the general plan, what are some specific first steps you might take? Setting healthy and clear boundaries for myself; begin cultivating the life that I want to lead and making the changes that I think are in my best interest.
- When, where and how will these steps be taken? They will begin with today, it will take a lot of emotional and mental energy. So, I plan to take them on one by one…individually, so that I do not add to my anxiety and/or become overwhelmed.
The ways other people can help me are: Others can hold me accountable for the goals that I’ve made clear to them.
- List specific ways that others can help support you in your change attempt: Supporting my decisions and doing what they can to ensure that I follow through with my goals.
- How will you go about eliciting others’ support? I plan on stating my goals clearly to a hand full of people. Then, it will be important for me to acknowledge issues as they arise and getting their help with challenging the unhelpful thought or in eliminating my discouragement.
I will know that my plan is working if: I am meeting my short-term, smaller goals to achieve progress towards a larger outcome.
- What do you hope will happen as a result of the change? I hope that I can find hope, peace, personal happiness and the light that I know can shine out of me.
- What benefits can you expect form the change? A more consistent and positive mindset. Hopefully to feel more at ease within my own skin, more confident, and less worrisome with whatever anyone else thinks or with burdens that are not my own to carry.
Some things that could interfere with my plans are: Relapse, not following through, people in general with their negative thoughts and attitudes that will only bring me down.
- Anticipate situations or changes that could undermine the plan: There are situations where someone may disagree with what I say I need for myself. There are people who may question whether or not I am competent. There will always be someone that is just sitting on that back burner waiting for me to fail – and they would absolutely love it.
  - What could go wrong? I could not achieve goals that I have set for myself or an event or person could interfere with my progress, only holding me back.
  - How might you stick with the plan despite the changes and/or setbacks? I will challenge myself by attempting to change my own perspective. I will be more flexible and if I cannot achieve one goal, I will substitute it by completing another. I will realize that other people are not living my life and that there are always ways to go around or over each obstacle put in my path.

My personal goals may be humorous to you. But, they are mine. You get to decide what kind of goals to make for yourself and ONLY yourself. You cannot depend on anyone else to make the desired changes to your life for you. That’s unreasonable and impossible. And you can’t do nothing and expect things to end up differently. This is a decision that you have to make for yourself. And that you will have to follow through with, for yourself. You can ask for help from others, by asking to be held accountable for your desired changes. But, after that….it’s all up to you. By being held accountable, it’s asking for support – but that person isn’t going to force you to make the change that you already said you wanted. And when you get discouraged, keep looking at the horizon. It’s in front of you, not behind you. Don’t be afraid of making smaller goals or changes. Because after completing a couple of those, you’ll be headed in the right direction!

I wish you luck and am sending my support. You now know a portion of the goals I’ve set out to achieve through intensive group therapy. I plan to continue sharing….

Here are two more handouts that you may find helpful in this process. I encourage you to at least read them over and think about them for a while:

Part 1 – Challenging My Unhelpful Idea

Part 2- Recognizing Discouragement, Out-thinking Discouragement, Seeking Out Encouragement, & Courage/Inner Strength Building Plan

Decluttering My Life

January 6, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I have been a little absent from my blog as of late, I apologize. I’ve been wanting to write more – and I will. But, I’ve been working on me a little bit more and that means some things have been sacrificed in the process.

I talked about something called “cultivating your environment” in a different blog entry. Well, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. The first day, I took everything out of the office closet and designated it into three groups: it has a purpose & keep it, donate it, or trash it. I did this by asking myself if whatever I had in my hand actually contributed anything to my life and if it had a purpose for later. If I could answer “no” to either question, it was gone. I didn’t second guess myself and I had made the decision on the spot. I can see my closet now! And…even better than that…it’s really organized and everything is in it’s own place. Holy cow. It.is.possible. Who knew?!

And if you know anything about me from prior posts, it’s that I am one of the most indecisive people in the world. I can’t make decisions to save my life. But, the fact that I could choose what to do with an item based on a couple of simple questions I asked myself, that feeling is something else! It gave me a sense of accomplishment, like I’m moving in the right direction. It also gave me confidence to do the things I had been afraid to do for so long. In the end, and most importantly, it gave me a sense of happiness.

The next day, I took a corner of the office, itself, one at a time and threw away anything that didn’t belong. I did the exact same thing I did with the closet. Asked myself the questions and followed through accordingly. I even started a change jar! All of the change I find or have in my pockets, etc will go into this sole jar. And either when it’s full or at a certain time of the year (I haven’t decided THAT much yet!), it will be brought to the bank and cashed in for a few extra dollars. It doesn’t seem like I could possibly go wrong with that!

On the third day, I tackled the bathroom and the linen closet. This might not sound like much to you, but trust me – there was so much junk in both. Three trash bags later and I was done. I created so much more space! I even folded all of the towels differently to create more space for them in the linen closet, instead of just kind of stuffing them in there. I threw away a ton of dog items that were expired. The list just goes on and on. But, I feel really good after just a few days of decluttering so far.

This feels like real progress. And Im not feeling overwhelmed or anxious when I go into these rooms now. That’s the best part.

My home hasn’t felt like “home” to me in quite some time. And the clutter has been looming over me for years. It’s so nice to take a breath and just be comfortable where I am instead of isolating myself to the bedroom or something silly like that. I can live here again and be okay. At least that’s what I think will happen by the time that I’m done.

I did some research on essential oils, also. And found that lavender oil is good for creating a relaxing, calming environment. I found a wax melter, too, at a local thrift store. So, when I am done decluttering, the plan is to spread my diffusers and the wax melter to the major parts of my home in hopes of cultivating even more of that relaxing environment that I desperately need.

I walked into the Shelter today for the first time since hospitalization. Man, was I nervous. But they were so warm and welcoming to me. I almost cried at one point because I truly loved my job at the time that I was hitting rock bottom. But, for me – I need to take my time in jumping back into anything. Causing myself any extra stress, anxiety or discomfot would not be helping myself to heal. It would be hurting the goals that I’ve set for myself to complete in my own time; however much time that may take. I can’t force myself to take on more than I think I can handle right now. It hurts to think anyone there may not understand or to think that they may hate me for leaving. But, those could just be thoughts in my head that I need to challenge and deem them as unwanted. I don’t know.

Right now, though, it’s just back to the basics for me. Sleep is not coming easily either. Which makes things just a little more difficult. It takes me forever to fall asleep. And once I do, I’m awake every three hours or so. I’m so frustrated with it. Which means, I’ll end up having another uncomfortable talk with my Doctor next week. Whatever, it’s for the best, I guess.

So, in addition to decluttering my house, I’ve also initiated the process of decluttering my life. If there are any negative people in my life, that drag me down on a regular basis, I realize now that they need to go – no matter how much they mean to me. I can’t sacrifice myself for them anymore. I might even try to talk to them and help them to understand what they do to me. It boils down to if they can’t find a way to be a more positive and helpful influence and/or be encouraging in my life; they need to go. Easier said than done. But, that’s the decision I’ve made. And it’s a good one.

All in all, this journey is a difficult one. But, I’m putting one foot in front of the other and even if I’m only moving a few inches at a time…at least I’m moving. And I’m moving forward instead of backwards.

One more thing, before I forget. Along with the change jar and the decluttering, I’ve started a “positive thoughts jar”. This allows you to sit down when you’re having an up day and jot down a few random positive thoughts or feelings. You can do this every day or just on any day you feel positive. And then when those down days come, because you KNOW that they will, you can open your jar and read your own positive thoughts to remind you that not every day is a bad day. We often forget about the good days when our downward spiral begins. I’m guilty of it for sure. So don’t forget to also declutter yourself of those unwanted, unhelpful and soul eating negative thoughts/feelings.

Thank you for listening to my ranting. Or rather, reading it. Keep your heads held high and know that you are in the driving seat. You’re the one holding the pen when writing your story, not someone else. So, make it a damned good one. I believe that you can. I know that you can. If anything, witness the beginnings of my transformation and revamp. I’m living proof that things can change.

Got ANTs?

December 29, 2016December 29, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

“It’s not who you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you’re not.” – Unknown

Thoughts are underrated in their ability to control our moods and emotions. Just a simple thought can bring your happiest day crashing in an unstoppable downward spiral. And the more we feed such thoughts, the heavier they will weigh upon us.

If you have never stopped to think about that before, just take a minute now to do so…I’ll wait…

Got it? I never spent much time thinking about it until we covered the lesson in one of my group sessions at the Hospital. But, it’s absolutely true! And the good news is, there is plenty that we can do about it.

First of all, I’d like to explain the title. As we learned it in the session, ANTs is an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts. I found it kind of cute and I liked the way it was presented as that concept. So, that’s the way I’m going to relay it to you. And if you think this lesson isn’t important…well, that’s on you. But, I’d encourage you to give it a chance, as some of the information I found to be very helpful.

Sometimes when ANTs occur, I find myself reacting to them negatively. I may be distressed, angry or even worried about what I am thinking to be the truth. But, the first thing I need to do is to stop and identify that thought-you know the one, the one that has you all riled up and in a tizzy. Yes, that one!

Once I’ve done that, it’s time to stop it; the cycle of the thought running through my head and the little voice questioning it maliciously. Take a breath, get some air…it’s now that I want and need to calm myself down. It’s important that I’m calm first, as physiologically, when I’m tense, I’m not thinking rationally. I’m so focused on the negative thought and feelings associated with that. By calming oneself, it allows for more oxygen to get to the brain and form more rational thoughts. It’s then that I’ll take a closer look at the thought that has us in such an uproar. I’m saying ‘us’, because we ALL do this. It isn’t just you or me. It’s human, but there are ways to be smarter about it.

What I’m working on with this, is Cognitive Restructuring or Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). Simplifying it, it means to re-build thoughts. And by doing that, I can challenge my ANTs.

When I get ready to challenge my negative thought, it’s important that I ask myself some questions. The reason this is important is so that I can evaluate how truly important to me the thought is, if I might be overreacting to something, or if things just might not be as bad as they seem to me at the time.

Here is an example of the questions that I might go through. And for humor’s sake…refer to the list of questions as ANT spray.

Another form of ANT spray (I can’t even type that without smiling), is for me to decide if the thought may be something that I’m super sensitive to. Personally, I’m super sensitive to social situations and my self-image. Which means my thought process will always be searching for for a reason to be critical of myself. One of my counselors called this super sensitivity a Super Scanner. And I found myself relating to being overly sensitive when it comes to certain things in my head.

Most of the time, after asking myself some of those questions, I realize that the problem is not as large as I’m making it in my head. Sometimes, I even come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter to me nearly as much as I initially felt it did – or get this, that it just might not be my problem to worry about in the first place.

It’s going to take a lot of practice on my part. But, I have confidence that I can begin to train my mind to listen to a more rational me in time. Practice makes perfect, after all!

Building Inner Strength

December 29, 2016December 28, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

The Doctor changed my medications on me recently. So, now I’m taking a three-drug-cocktail. The goal now is to try and get my daily anxiety under control and so that I’m not having panic attacks day in and day out, sometimes multiple times per day. The downfall is that it comes with it’s own set of side effects. In this case, I’m feeling a little bit more tired than normal at this time. However, when weighing some sleepiness in comparison to the choking feeling that I experience from anxiety – I’ll take the sleepy feeling over it any day! So, things are looking up in the way of my medications.

Now that we covered that, are you ready to get your hands dirty? I am. It’s time for me to reinforce my desire to build my inner strength. After everything that I’ve been through and after all that I’ve felt lately, this is an area that I feel took a large hit. I feel as though the pillars are cracking and that the structure isn’t very stable in itself. So, I’m going to lay the footwork and foundation to rebuild this tired old house, if you catch my drift.

My strength has held me up through the toughest of times, but it’s time to renew that inner strength. I know it’s time because after all of this, it feels as though I’ve been depleted of any strong thing in my body. I’ve been to the point of cracking and falling down…now, it’s time to pick of the pieces and form that new foundation that I was talking about before I got off track.

How am I going to do this, you might ask. I’m going to look at different areas in my life, I’m going to discipline myself and then I’m going to take the baby steps necessary to get myself back to where I need to be.

Here are some of the ideas:

Improving My Focus-Sometimes we can’t get moving forward because of the lack of focus and determination we have. Learning to pick one area to concentrate on is sometimes all it takes to get ourselves moving forward.
Positive Risk Taking – This does not mean go jump off of a building. One can often build inner strength by learning to do things outside of the box or comfort zone. You can try new things and challenge yourself in order to create the drive you need to get moving.
Drawing Strength From Others – It’s just like it sounds! Teaming up with someone else or gaining their support often can be the boost you need in order to get things moving. Think about where to find someone who can help and don’t be afraid to bounce ideas off of them.
Learning to Say No-This is my biggest weak area and one that I desperately need to improve in. Could part of the problem be that assertiveness or refusal skills are needed? Yes, it could! Starting to say “no” more often can be such a difference maker when saying “no” has always been my area of weakness. It may also build your confidence and give you a feeling of empowerment. As though, you’re taking back your life!
Self-Discipline and Structure-Remember that I’ve made the decision that I want and need change in my life. In order to create self-discipline, you should really want what you’re going after. Coming up with a good plan and then sticking to it can be exactly what I need.
Spirituality-This is another area I’m somewhat weak in, as I’ve lost Faith in pretty much everything. But, who knows. I might find something somewhere, even if it’s simple meaning in my own actions. People who don’t have Faith, may not be bothered with this. But, if you do have it…you may draw strength from your spiritual beliefs.
Increased Urgency-Oh yes! My changes need to come and they need to come like yesterday! Quite often people are at their best when their backs are against the wall. Stop putting it off! There is no reason to wait for tomorrow when you can make the decision to do something right now.
Dropping the Dead Weight-Buh Bye, as I like to say. If someone or something is holding you back, maybe you need to consider what’s in your best interest. If it’s dragging you backwards or slowing your progress down, it may be time to leave it behind so that you can make some real progress. Personally, I love dropping dead weight. It consumes way too much time and energy to try and maintain something that is so useless.
Using What You’re Good At-Think about where your strengths are. Is there something in particular that you’re good at? This is where I try to look at my past and present to examine life as a whole. Was there a time where I demonstrated ability. Yep. I’ve made it through every worst day of my life…and I’ll make it through this one, as well. Draw from your own experiences in helping push you when you need it most.
Taking Baby Steps-You will hear me reiterate this many times in my blogging, I’m sure. About taking baby steps. I will fall fifty times before I make it one step. But, that’s okay, as long as I keep moving forward. If bigger changes are overwhelming to you, like they are to me-consider what small steps you can take in order to reach the larger goal.

As I stated above, for me it’s going to take baby steps to make the BIG change in my life that I need to make. Because I have such a loss of happiness and purpose, I’m going to have to work hard in all of these categories. That comes with a price, too. It’s overwhelming…and that’s where the baby steps come in. I’m simply going to put one foot in front of the other and develop a routine and plan that will get me moving towards a happier me. Once I have that plan in place, it would be wise of me to bounce my idea off of a peer in order to see things from a new and unbiased perspective. This way, I can also be held accountable for what I said I was going to do and I can be told if my ideas are too far fetched.

If you’re struggling like I am, remember that the change starts with a solid decision. That means, without question it is something you want. And after that, it has to start with you.

I Got the Powa!

December 28, 2016December 29, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

It’s been a great day full of positivity in Group. I felt good about the lessons we were learning. And it’s funny to me that I’m just now learning these lessons. But, hey they’re important. We even went for a walk around campus today to enhance our senses and build on calming techniques that we’ll probably talk about in a different post.

Let’s start today off with the quote I have written in my journal:
“If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has twenty five more letters”.

I hope that made you smile, as it did me. And I hope that you can find meaning and hope in that, as I did.

Don’t Be Afraid to Lose Control

I giggled at this lesson, as we began to learn to let go of control, or the idea of control. But, in reality – there are so, so many things out of our hands and that we have absolutely no control over whatsoever.

You could define control as the power to influence and/or direct peoples’ behaviors or the course of events. That would be a technical definition of the word. But, isn’t it more than that?

Control is something that you can have OVER people and/or events. It gives you a sense of entitlement and empowerment. It’s something that a lot of us have trouble either gaining or letting go of. My guess is that most of us have more trouble letting go of it.

I can give you the example of house cleaning. You may prefer to do things as I do, clean the room from top to bottom and do the floors last. In my head that’s where all of the dust and dirt lands as I’m cleaning above, so logically I would do it in that order. However, if John cleans the room, he may vacuum and then pick up the area and/or dust. It may not make sense to us. But, just because he did it differently, that doesn’t mean he is wrong. That doesn’t mean that MY way is the ONLY way to do something. And man, it will eat at me, but you know what? I’m going to keep my mouth shut because I am grateful for the help and because I don’t want to end up having to do it myself.

So, now let’s move on to something that I am all too familiar with. They call it “catastrophizing”. In essence, it’s an irrational thought that a lot of us will have where we actually believe something is much worse than it is in reality. I catch myself doing this often. Blowing things out of proportion is like second nature to me, when it comes to negative events or comments in relation to myself. For instance, I will say “Oh my God, the house is such a disaster.” When in reality it’s just a few things that need to be picked up and placed where they belong. But, all I could see was the negative blown way out of proportion. And yes…I’m laughing at myself right this instant. Because this is so me. Catastrophizing though only adds fuel to the fire, which just adds to the anxiety that we already have in our lives. So, this is something I have to work on. This is something that I can improve on and will. Because my sanity depends on it.

You may not know this. I didn’t know this. But, the Serenity Prayer is often used to help people who catastrophize things. And if this is you, and you have that kind of Faith – maybe it would help you, too! Even if you don’t have that kind of Faith, the words make perfect sense and you may still find comfort in them.

That only leaves me with fear. Fear is nothing but an anxious feeling caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience. And get this – the event or experience will most likely NOT EVEN OCCUR. Remember that when you’re afraid. Sure, there are instances where it will be in direct reaction to something…that’s not the kind of fear that I’m talking about though. The kind of fear I’m talking about is something like the fear of change.

And so we’ve come full circle now, when I say – in order to break free from fear, we have to then let go of control.

As I type this out, it sounds so much deeper than it actually is. But, it’s still true. And quite frankly, easy to do once you make the decision to do it. That’s the trick though; you have to want to do it. I don’t know about you, but as soon as that meant some of my anxiety would go away, I was on board with making that decision. I don’t need more anxiety than I already have!

So, here are some ways that I have learned to let go of the control.

Change your mindset. This is going to take practice and time. If you’ve made the decision to change, you’ll be more than willing to make time to practice it. But, this means you will have to stop being a perfectionist and understand that we all make ‘mistakes’. I have learned to become more comfortable with letting things go a bit and allowing someone else to take the wheel for me and drive. It might be uncomfortable at first, but in the end, it sure does take some of the load off.
Work on Yourself. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? I see a hot mess when I look into mine. But, that’s not going to get me anywhere good. So, the idea here is to create a sense of self-worth and to grow your self-esteem. If you have more confidence, you’ll be more certain of your decisions and also put that confidence into others.
Delegate Tasks. Now this isn’t saying that you need to put your entire workload onto the next person. But, it is saying that it is okay for you to ask for help from time to time; or even allow someone to assist you if they’ve offered. Let’s face it, the weight of the world is heavy at times and our to-do lists can get mighty lengthy. If you have children, a spouse or partner…anyone, don’t be afraid to assign them duties or items to check off that to-do list! I have a hard time asking for help. But, I’m learning that swallowing my pride and allowing for the assistance is a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Sometimes, things even get done more quickly than if I would have taken them all on myself!

Let’s not be afraid of change. I know I can’t afford to fear it. I need it in my life…and a lot of it. But, let that change move you in the right direction. It should be a positive direction with your end goal in mind. I’m not afraid anymore. No fear. And I’m certainly no longer afraid of change. I’ve seen the difference the tiniest of changes can make in my life. I’ve finally looked that monster in the eyes and told it I’m the one in charge now!

Irrational Thoughts That Cause Stress

By catastrophizing and thinking irrationally, we only cause ourselves more stress in the end. I’m guilty of being irrational in highly emotional situations. Hell, I’ll even go as far to say I can be irrational when I’m being stubborn. If any of the following thoughts pop up in your head, consider that you may not be thinking clearly:

It is essential to be loved/liked by everyone all of the time.
I can’t stand for anyone to be angry with me or to dislike me.
I must always be competent.
Making a mistake is terrible!
Every problem has a perfect solution.
I can’t change the way I am/think/feel.
I must not show weakness or cry.
Strong people do not ask for help.
Everything is within my control.
Everyone should see things the way that I do.
I am always right.
People should do what I want because they love me.
The world ought to be fair.

In most cases, these are all unrealistic expectations. I know first hand that it was not easy for me to ask for the help that I am now receiving. And I know that it takes a damned strong person to seek help when they need it. Don’t let pride get in your way. Ever. Emotions are nothing to be ashamed of, you are not always right, and mistakes do happen…we are human after all.

By relinquishing some control and thinking more clearly, you and I will both be leading lives that are at the very least, slightly less stressful.

Embrace Your Imperfections

December 28, 2016December 28, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

When hustle is winning the day, you might feel distracted, a lack of inspiration or like you can’t make a decision to save your life.

That’s okay! There are several areas of our lives that can be nurtured and cultivated with the common goal of our happiness in mind.

I, personally, can identify with all of the areas of cultivation. And I also believe them to be all relative. Maybe you’ll see what I mean as I go over each one.

Cultivating Authenticity – letting go of what people think.

Cultivating Self-Compassion – letting go of perfection; loving ourselves

Cultivating a Resilient Spirit – letting go of numbing and powerlessness; isolation; facing fears.

Cultivating Gratitude and Joy – letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark.

Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith – letting go of the need for certainty.

Cultivating Creativity – letting go of comparison.

Cultivating Play and Rest – letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self worth; clinging to your job; forgetting what you enjoy.

Cultivating Calm and Stillness – letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle.

Cultivating Meaningful Work – letting go of self doubt and “supposed to”.

Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance – letting go of being “cool” and always in control.

I’m sure that you can spot the common theme of “letting go”. But as I said previously, I believe they are all relative.

I specifically relate the most to authenticity, intuition and trusting faith and creativity. Those all seem to be weak points for me.

I’ve always cared about what people thought of me. Maybe it stems from my low self-esteem, in the need to seek approval. Not just that, but I think I’m a “mind reader” of sorts in always thinking that some people have negative opinions of me, regardless as to whether or not they have reason. The amount of energy consumed by these thoughts alone is very exhausting.

In letting go of the need for certainty, my goal is to try and remember that not everything needs to be set in stone. The only thing I need to be certain of, is who I am and who I want to be. At this point, I’m hoping the rest just kind of falls into place. I need to believe it will.

When I think of Cultivating Creativity, I automatically think about art. Something different and unique. But in this instance, it’s letting go of comparison. I can’t measure my happiness by someone else’s standards or ideas of what happiness should be. I also can’t worry about keeping up with the Jones family. Our values may be completely different and we might find happiness in different things. It’s not fair to myself to hold myself to someone else’s standards of what “good enough” might look like.

Like I said, I can relate to all of them in some form. But those three stand out to me the most.

I was told they are called the ten guide posts for wholehearted living.

As I work on me, as a whole, I may come back to these individually as blog topics. But there are too many other things to talk about right now.

It seems they hit me with something new every day.

For now I’ll leave you with a quote: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. ” – Brene Brown