Tag: mindfulness

Tools For Recovery

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Rather than actually going through the 50 individual tools that we were given in class, I am going to leave them here for you to review on your own time.  They say that they are for Staying Clean/Sober, but trust me when I say that they apply to every type of recovery.  I’m just taking the lazy way out of trying to explain it.  But, if you’d like me to help you understand any of them, please do leave me a comment.

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One thing that I’m still working on is trying to keep in mind where I am emotionally when thinking about how much I can take on…I need to stay mindful and not take on too much, too soon.  When I was released from the program, not even two weeks went by and I thought I was on top of the world.  Full of positivity, feeling confident and ready to jump back into life with both feet.  Don’t do this.  It’s a bad idea.  After two weeks, I can already tell you that it was a poor decision and that I need to take more time, as much time as I emotionally and mentally need, to get back into the full swing of my life.

I’m going to share this song with you, because it’s very relative to the progress of recovery:  If I Could Kill A Word – Eric Church

Here is a site that also may be a good resource:  Mindful Creation

And a couple of apps: Mindfulness: The Art of Being and Buddha.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

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During my two week stay at the Hospital, one of the group sessions was about making a change in your life.  And let’s be honest…I could make some good changes to my mindset and life.  So with my happiness as a goal, I was very attentive to the instructor and ready to fill out my Change Plan Worksheet Outline.

If you want to follow along with me, here is a copy of the Change Plan Worksheet.  You can print this out or review it to decide what kind of changes may fit your personal goals and growth towards a happier you.

Here, is where I’m going to go step-by-step through my own.  This will not only give you an example, but will also show you that even small changes can make a big difference.  And the more small changes that you make, the bigger the change is to the larger picture.  I hope you understand where I’m coming from.  If not, feel free to leave me questions in the comments section below.

  • The changes I want to make are:  to set up personal boundaries for myself and to not be so hard on myself or take on the worries of the world.
    • List specific areas or ways in which you want to change: I need to say “NO” more often and realize that it’s not selfish to take care of myself; not faulting myself.
    • Include positive goals (beginning, increasing, improving behaviors): increasing my personal levels of happiness and positivity.  Increasing the number of thoughts that I “challenge”.
  • The most important reasons why I want to make these changes are: to be a happier & healthier version of myself.  Because my life depends on it.
    • What are some likely consequences of action and inaction: I could end up with a different outlook on life and a more positive mindset.  The other consequence could be a life full of unhappiness and anger; leading to the possibilities of suicide.
    • Which motivations for change seem most important to you?  My ultimate happiness and quality of life need to be improved.
  • The steps I plan to take in changes are:  to take baby steps and to worry less about what people think of what my choices are or what I’m doing.
    • How do you plan to achieve the goals?  By first achieving smaller goals that will accumulate to change the bigger picture in my life.
    • Within the general plan, what are some specific first steps you might take?  Setting healthy and clear boundaries for myself; begin cultivating the life that I want to lead and making the changes that I think are in my best interest.
    • When, where and how will these steps be taken?  They will begin with today, it will take a lot of emotional and mental energy.  So, I plan to take them on one by one…individually, so that I do not add to my anxiety and/or become overwhelmed.
  • The ways other people can help me are:  Others can hold me accountable for the goals that I’ve made clear to them.
    • List specific ways that others can help support you in your change attempt: Supporting my decisions and doing what they can to ensure that I follow through with my goals.
    • How will you go about eliciting others’ support?  I plan on stating my goals clearly to a hand full of people.  Then, it will be important for me to acknowledge issues as they arise and getting their help with challenging the unhelpful thought or in eliminating my discouragement.
  • I will know that my plan is working if:  I am meeting my short-term, smaller goals to achieve progress towards a larger outcome.
    • What do you hope will happen as a result of the change?  I hope that I can find hope, peace, personal happiness and the light that I know can shine out of me.
    • What benefits can you expect form the change?  A more consistent and positive mindset.  Hopefully to feel more at ease within my own skin, more confident, and less worrisome with whatever anyone else thinks or with burdens that are not my own to carry.
  • Some things that could interfere with my plans are:  Relapse, not following through, people in general with their negative thoughts and attitudes that will only bring me down.
    • Anticipate situations or changes that could undermine the plan:  There are situations where someone may disagree with what I say I need for myself.  There are people who may question whether or not I am competent.  There will always be someone that is just sitting on that back burner waiting for me to fail – and they would absolutely love it.
      • What could go wrong?  I could not achieve goals that I have set for myself or an event or person could interfere with my progress, only holding me back.
      • How might you stick with the plan despite the changes and/or setbacks?  I will challenge myself by attempting to change my own perspective.  I will be more flexible and if I cannot achieve one goal, I will substitute it by completing another.  I will realize that other people are not living my life and that there are always ways to go around or over each obstacle put in my path.

My personal goals may be humorous to you.  But, they are mine.  You get to decide what kind of goals to make for yourself and ONLY yourself.  You cannot depend on anyone else to make the desired changes to your life for you.  That’s unreasonable and impossible.  And you can’t do nothing and expect things to end up differently.  This is a decision that you have to make for yourself.  And that you will have to follow through with, for yourself.  You can ask for help from others, by asking to be held accountable for your desired changes.  But, after that….it’s all up to you.  By being held accountable, it’s asking for support – but that person isn’t going to force you to make the change that you already said you wanted.  And when you get discouraged, keep looking at the horizon.  It’s in front of you, not behind you.  Don’t be afraid of making smaller goals or changes.  Because after completing a couple of those, you’ll be headed in the right direction!

I wish you luck and am sending my support.  You now know a portion of the goals I’ve set out to achieve through intensive group therapy.  I plan to continue sharing….

Here are two more handouts that you may find helpful in this process.  I encourage you to at least read them over and think about them for a while:

Part 1 – Challenging My Unhelpful Idea

Part 2- Recognizing Discouragement, Out-thinking Discouragement, Seeking Out Encouragement, & Courage/Inner Strength Building Plan

Decluttering My Life

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I have been a little absent from my blog as of late, I apologize.  I’ve been wanting to write more – and I will.  But, I’ve been working on me a little bit more and that means some things have been sacrificed in the process.

I talked about something called “cultivating your environment” in a different blog entry.  Well, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.  The first day, I took everything out of the office closet and designated it into three groups: it has a purpose & keep it, donate it, or trash it.  I did this by asking myself if whatever I had in my hand actually contributed anything to my life and if it had a purpose for later.  If I could answer “no” to either question, it was gone.  I didn’t second guess myself and I had made the decision on the spot.  I can see my closet now!  And…even better than that…it’s really organized and everything is in it’s own place.  Holy cow.  It.is.possible.  Who knew?!

And if you know anything about me from prior posts, it’s that I am one of the most indecisive people in the world.  I can’t make decisions to save my life.  But, the fact that I could choose what to do with an item based on a couple of simple questions I asked myself, that feeling is something else!  It gave me a sense of accomplishment, like I’m moving in the right direction.  It also gave me confidence to do the things I had been afraid to do for so long.  In the end, and most importantly, it gave me a sense of happiness.

The next day, I took a corner of the office, itself, one at a time and threw away anything that didn’t belong.  I did the exact same thing I did with the closet.  Asked myself the questions and followed through accordingly.  I even started a change jar!  All of the change I find or have in my pockets, etc will go into this sole jar.  And either when it’s full or at a certain time of the year (I haven’t decided THAT much yet!), it will be brought to the bank and cashed in for a few extra dollars.  It doesn’t seem like I could possibly go wrong with that!

On the third day, I tackled the bathroom and the linen closet.  This might not sound like much to you, but trust me – there was so much junk in both.  Three trash bags later and I was done.  I created so much more space!  I even folded all of the towels differently to create more space for them in the linen closet, instead of just kind of stuffing them in there.  I threw away a ton of dog items that were expired.  The list just goes on and on.  But, I feel really good after just a few days of decluttering so far.

This feels like real progress.  And Im not feeling overwhelmed or anxious when I go into these rooms now.  That’s the best part.

My home hasn’t felt like “home” to me in quite some time.  And the clutter has been looming over me for years.  It’s so nice to take a breath and just be comfortable where I am instead of isolating myself to the bedroom or something silly like that.  I can live here again and be okay.  At least that’s what I think will happen by the time that I’m done.

I did some research on essential oils, also.  And found that lavender oil is good for creating a relaxing, calming environment.  I found a wax melter, too, at a local thrift store.  So, when I am done decluttering, the plan is to spread my diffusers and the wax melter to the major parts of my home in hopes of cultivating even more of that relaxing environment that I desperately need.

I walked into the Shelter today for the first time since hospitalization.  Man, was I nervous.  But they were so warm and welcoming to me.  I almost cried at one point because I truly loved my job at the time that I was hitting rock bottom.  But, for me – I need to take my time in jumping back into anything.  Causing myself any extra stress, anxiety or discomfot would not be helping myself to heal.  It would be hurting the goals that I’ve set for myself to complete in my own time; however much time that may take.  I can’t force myself to take on more than I think I can handle right now.  It hurts to think anyone there may not understand or to think that they may hate me for leaving.  But, those could just be thoughts in my head that I need to challenge and deem them as unwanted.  I don’t know.

Right now, though, it’s just back to the basics for me.  Sleep is not coming easily either.  Which makes things just a little more difficult.  It takes me forever to fall asleep.  And once I do, I’m awake every three hours or so.  I’m so frustrated with it.  Which means, I’ll end up having another uncomfortable talk with my Doctor next week.  Whatever, it’s for the best, I guess.

So, in addition to decluttering my house, I’ve also initiated the process of decluttering my life.  If there are any negative people in my life, that drag me down on a regular basis, I realize now that they need to go – no matter how much they mean to me.  I can’t sacrifice myself for them anymore.  I might even try to talk to them and help them to understand what they do to me.  It boils down to if they can’t find a way to be a more positive and helpful influence and/or be encouraging in my life; they need to go.  Easier said than done.  But, that’s the decision I’ve made.  And it’s a good one.

All in all, this journey is a difficult one.  But, I’m putting one foot in front of the other and even if I’m only moving a few inches at a time…at least I’m moving.  And I’m moving forward instead of backwards.

One more thing, before I forget.  Along with the change jar and the decluttering, I’ve started a “positive thoughts jar”.  This allows you to sit down when you’re having an up day and jot down a few random positive thoughts or feelings.  You can do this every day or just on any day you feel positive.  And then when those down days come, because you KNOW that they will, you can open your jar and read your own positive thoughts to remind you that not every day is a bad day.  We often forget about the good days when our downward spiral begins.  I’m guilty of it for sure.  So don’t forget to also declutter yourself of those unwanted, unhelpful and soul eating negative thoughts/feelings.

Thank you for listening to my ranting.  Or rather, reading it.  Keep your heads held high and know that you are in the driving seat.  You’re the one holding the pen when writing your story, not someone else.  So, make it a damned good one.  I believe that you can.  I know that you can.  If anything, witness the beginnings of my transformation and revamp.  I’m living proof that things can change.

Let’s Get Personal.

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This photo really symbolizes where I am at in my recovery.  I’ve had a lot of positive days over the last couple of weeks, but there have been a couple of times that I have stumbled, fallen and had to get right back up to try again.  Every day is a fight.  But it IS possible.

Yesterday, nothing could help me.  I hurt myself, again.  And it was all because I couldn’t stop the storm from brewing inside of me.  The overwhelming sensation of everything that needs to be done on the path of my journey…

I tell you what.  This war I am fighting, it’s exhausting.  In every sense of the word.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  Physically.  I am drained.  And I haven’t even done much yet other than having kept my head above water and survived yet another day in a long series of days that are the culmination of my life.

And ever since my medication changed AGAIN…my sleep problems are endless.  I can’t get enough of it, or it’s broken and feels as though I’m awake all night long.  Thankfully, I’ll meet with my Doctor next week and hopefully we can figure this out.
I know I don’t say “Thank You” enough to the people who deserve to hear it.  And I am so thankful for the few people that I have that reach out to me during my struggles.  Please know, I am thankful for you.  I really am.  From the bottom of my heart.  I am.  My heart aches, as I know that there is nothing anyone can say or do to solve this problem for me-this one is mine and mine alone.  It can’t be any better until I make solid decisions within myself, which I have already started doing, to change my behaviors, my thoughts and my lifestyle.

I’m beginning to notice my “triggers” and that has been increasingly helpful.  I have my mood tracker set and I can mark any time that my mood changes, so that maybe I can find a pattern or circumstance for any of this happening.

I joined a Support Group this past Saturday.  You may have heard of NAMI, but for any of you that have not…I encourage you to look it up.  Even if you aren’t suffering from some sort of mental illness, if you’re a friend/family member to someone that is, they have tools for you.  It’s not much of a step taken.  But, it has helped me find a group of people that share some of my same concerns, issues and thoughts.  It’s some form of comfort to me in knowing that I don’t have to be alone.

I’m going to go into my diagnosis a little deeper in my next blog.  And I think I need to throw out there some things that people should/should not say or do in response to my ‘illness’.  The reasoning for that is because I’m so tired of hearing the same things that just throw more fuel into the fire.  It’s no one’s fault.  But, maybe I can do something to help prevent it from happening as much.

Until then…

Facing the costs

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“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life.   But there was always some obstacle in the way,  something to be gotten through first,  some unfinished business,  time still to be served, a debt to be paid.   Then life would begin.   At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. ” – Alfred D’Souza
Life is a journey, not a destination.  It’s built one step at a time by what I do.   Managing my anxiety has cost me dearly.

It’s finally time for my life to begin.   I have anxiety, stress, and depression obstacles.

We all have a finite time here.  I’m not sure how you’ve been living, but I’ve been drifting through the days on autopilot.   Drifting here and there without a compass to guide me,  not questioning a thing.  And I’ve been spending a great deal of time attempting to keep my obstacles in check.

Is this what I want to be about?  The short answer is “no”.

I want to be more than my obstacles.

It’s no secret that I’ve lost control of where I was going or how I’ve maneuvered through my obstacles up until now.   And all the while it’s cost me my precious energy,  time,  opportunities,  freedom,  and relationships.   So,  it’s time to take a close,  personal look into my experience.   After all, nobody is more of an expert in my experience than me,  myself.

Interpersonal Costs 

I have isolated myself from people.   I have avoided social situations where I may have been overly anxious or uncomfortable.   Not only have I avoided them for those reasons,  but also because I asked myself “what’s the point?”

In existing relationships,  I’ve strained them significantly.   Sometimes being triggered and lashing out.  Often times because I couldn’t clearly communicate what I was going through.

Career Costs

I’ve always been a hard worker.   There’s no question there.   But I am insecure and uncertain.   There’s always a war being fought in my head over whether or not I’m good enough,  if I’ve done enough, or if I did it right.  I love to learn,  too.   And when I’m not given the opportunity to grow, I take it personally and assume the worst.

This time,  I had to miss work to seek out the help that I need.   And since the time I need to receive the help and recover is so indefinite,  I had to resign.

Health Costs 

There have been several effects of managing my worry, anxiety, and fear on my health.   I don’t avoid taking care of myself or anything like that.   But,  it has affected my ability to fall asleep or staying asleep.  It has also taken its toll on my mood,  making me more irritable and easily agitated.   It also has kept me from eating before.  Sometimes it even means my blood pressure goes way up.  The costs,  really,  in this category are endless.

Because of this,  I see a psychiatrist and psychologist on a regular basis.  I also compromise my health and body with medications.

Energy Costs 

I waste so much energy on worry,  stress,  and negative thinking.   Sometimes I experience difficulty with my short term memory, unable to recall the simplest of things.   I’ve developed a minor case of ocd,  having to repeat things in my head to calm myself.   And I’m mentally,  physicality and emotionally exhausted.  In severe situations,  I’ve become temporarily disoriented.   Often times finding myself walking in circles or wondering how/why I was where I was.

Emotional Costs

This is an important one.   As a result of trying to control my anxiety and depression,  I became sad and hopeless.  And on top of that,  lonely.   I would randomly explode in fits of anger and rage.   And ultimately,  all of my internal emotions led me to suicidal thoughts,  tendencies and to routines of self harm.

Financial Costs 

Oh my.   I don’t even want to think about this one.   I can’t think about it without instantly breaking down.  The cost is substantial.   Between regular office visits,  gas,  hospitalization and medications…I can’t even begin to list the costs.

Costs of Freedom 

You are virtually stripped of this when you become hospitalized.   Not to mention having to be observed around the house while upset,  in fear of what I may do to myself.   I am somewhat dependant on others to do certain things for me and I avoid interactions because I quickly become socially awkward.

The want to manage my mental illness is a trap.   And the more I struggle,  the tighter it gets.   But I’m determined to find a way out…

Here are some worksheets for you to examine your own struggles,  if you so choose.

What Has Your Anxiety Cost You?

What Have I Given Up for Anxiety in the Past Month?

Anxiety Management: Cost Benefit Analysis

Got ANTs?

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“It’s not who you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you’re not.” – Unknown

Thoughts are underrated in their ability to control our moods and emotions.  Just a simple thought can bring your happiest day crashing in an unstoppable downward spiral.  And the more we feed such thoughts, the heavier they will weigh upon us.

If you have never stopped to think about that before, just take a minute now to do so…I’ll wait…

Got it?  I never spent much time thinking about it until we covered the lesson in one of my group sessions at the Hospital.  But, it’s absolutely true!  And the good news is, there is plenty that we can do about it.

First of all, I’d like to explain the title.  As we learned it in the session, ANTs is an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts.  I found it kind of cute and I liked the way it was presented as that concept.  So, that’s the way I’m going to relay it to you.  And if you think this lesson isn’t important…well, that’s on you.  But, I’d encourage you to give it a chance, as some of the information I found to be very helpful.

Sometimes when ANTs occur, I find myself reacting to them negatively.  I may be distressed, angry or even worried about what I am thinking to be the truth.  But, the first thing I need to do is to stop and identify that thought-you know the one, the one that has you all riled up and in a tizzy.  Yes, that one!

Once I’ve done that, it’s time to stop it; the cycle of the thought running through my head and the little voice questioning it maliciously.  Take a breath, get some air…it’s now that I want and need to calm myself down.  It’s important that I’m calm first, as physiologically, when I’m tense, I’m not thinking rationally.  I’m so focused on the negative thought and feelings associated with that.  By calming oneself, it allows for more oxygen to get to the brain and form more rational thoughts.  It’s then that I’ll take a closer look at the thought that has us in such an uproar.  I’m saying ‘us’, because we ALL do this.  It isn’t just you or me.  It’s human, but there are ways to be smarter about it.

What I’m working on with this, is Cognitive Restructuring or Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).  Simplifying it, it means to re-build thoughts.  And by doing that, I can challenge my ANTs.

When I get ready to challenge my negative thought, it’s important that I ask myself some questions.  The reason this is important is so that I can evaluate how truly important to me the thought is, if I might be overreacting to something, or if things just might not be as bad as they seem to me at the time.

Here is an example of the questions that I might go through.  And for humor’s sake…refer to the list of questions as ANT spray.

Another form of ANT spray (I can’t even type that without smiling), is for me to decide if the thought may be something that I’m super sensitive to.  Personally, I’m super sensitive to social situations and my self-image.  Which means my thought process will always be searching for for a reason to be critical of myself.  One of my counselors called this super sensitivity a Super Scanner.  And I found myself relating to being overly sensitive when it comes to certain things in my head.

Most of the time, after asking myself some of those questions, I realize that the problem is not as large as I’m making it in my head.  Sometimes, I even come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter to me nearly as much as I initially felt it did – or get this, that it just might not be my problem to worry about in the first place.

It’s going to take a lot of practice on my part.  But, I have confidence that I can begin to train my mind to listen to a more rational me in time.  Practice makes perfect, after all!

Embrace Your Imperfections

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When hustle is winning the day,  you might feel distracted,  a lack of inspiration or like you can’t make a decision to save your life.

That’s okay!  There are several areas of our lives that can be nurtured and cultivated with the common goal of our happiness in mind.

I, personally,  can identify with all of the areas of cultivation.   And I also believe them to be all relative.   Maybe you’ll see what I mean as I go over each one.

Cultivating Authenticity – letting go of what people think.

Cultivating Self-Compassion – letting go of perfection; loving ourselves

Cultivating a Resilient Spirit – letting go of numbing and powerlessness; isolation; facing fears.

Cultivating Gratitude and Joy – letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark.

Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith – letting go of the need for certainty.

Cultivating Creativity – letting go of comparison.

Cultivating Play and Rest – letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self worth; clinging to your job; forgetting what you enjoy.

Cultivating Calm and Stillness – letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle.

Cultivating Meaningful Work – letting go of self doubt and “supposed to”.

Cultivating Laughter,  Song,  and Dance – letting go of being “cool” and always in control.

I’m sure that you can spot the common theme of “letting go”.  But as I said previously,  I believe they are all relative.

I specifically relate the most to authenticity,  intuition and trusting faith and creativity.   Those all seem to be weak points for me.

I’ve always cared about what people thought of me.   Maybe it stems from my low self-esteem, in the need to seek approval.  Not just that,  but I think I’m a “mind reader” of sorts in always thinking that some people have negative opinions of me,  regardless as to whether or not they have reason.   The amount of energy consumed by these thoughts alone is very exhausting.

In letting go of the need for certainty,  my goal is to try and remember that not everything needs to be set in stone.  The only thing I need to be certain of,  is who I am and who I want to be.   At this point,  I’m hoping the rest just kind of falls into place.   I need to believe it will.

When I think of Cultivating Creativity,  I automatically think about art.   Something different and unique.   But in this instance,  it’s letting go of comparison.   I can’t measure my happiness by someone else’s standards or ideas of what happiness should be.   I also can’t worry about keeping up with the Jones family.   Our values may be completely different and we might find happiness in different things.   It’s not fair to myself to hold myself to someone else’s standards of what “good enough” might look like.

Like I said,  I can relate to all of them in some form.   But those three stand out to me the most.

I was told they are called the ten guide posts for wholehearted living.

As I work on me,  as a whole,  I may come back to these individually as blog topics.   But there are too many other things to talk about right now.

It seems they hit me with something new every day.

For now I’ll leave you with a quote: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. ” – Brene Brown

Anger: Let’s Be Real

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When I started this blog, I wanted this to be something real and raw.  Something that someone could read and relate to.  I wanted this to be my journey to a better life.  And, sure I’ve gone through some of the steps that I’ve been learning as of late.  I’ve methodically planned out posts through subjects that I learn in Day Hospital “Group Sessions”.

What I haven’t done is said how I’ve felt along the way.  Oops…that one kind of got away from me.

Let’s start at the beginning.  Most people from meeting me in my daily life wouldn’t expect me to be where I am today.  If you would have told me I’d be here fifteen years ago, I probably would have laughed at you.  It’s of my belief, that everyone saw me as the ‘nice girl’.  That girl who is so sweet and works really hard.  They wouldn’t be wrong.  Not by any means.  The problem is that in life, as I previously blogged…nice guys finish last.  And as you know by now, there are reasons for that.

It’s okay for people to see me as that nice person.  Because generally, that’s who I am.

In hindsight, I have been very selective with the people that I have really let into my life.  I have so many issues that run deeper than you can imagine through me.  For one, I fear that everyone that becomes important to me in my life, will leave.  It’s true.  I can remember, since I was just a young girl, people leaving my life that I cared for in one way or another.  Whether it be classmates that I lost during a move, people coming and going in life, or well…they died.  My parents divorced when I was around five, my sisters and I were separated when I was around twelve and my Dad left again when I was right around fifteen.  My so-called best friend of years and years left, so did the one after that…and the one after that.  These things are all common things, but collectively they have ultimately led me to a fear of abandonment.  These were all gigantic, influential moments in my life.  Traumatic and scarring, even.

There were other things that happened in life along the way that did major damage to my self-esteem and my ability to cope with life itself.  And I’ve fought all of the demons for years and years.  I’ve crossed bridges, oceans, climbed mountains, jumped hurdles and even leaped through hoops to overcome.  And I did a damn good job of forgiving.  I would like to say the forgetting, too, but somehow things always manage to stick with me – I just try not to let them get to me.

Which leads me to the present. Where I have worn this mask for far too long.

I’ve been so strong for myself and everyone else around me.  I go out of my way to be kind, even if I don’t feel like being nice.  I am always willing to give, without taking more than my fair share.  And have always been willing to help others without solicitation and without asking for anything in return.  My problems were my own and I did my best not to burden those around me with them.  That’s just who I am.

But I can’t wear the mask anymore.

Before things got this bad.  Before I ended up at the Mental Hospital, I would try to reach out to people via social media (because hey – if it’s not on facebook, it must not be real, right?!).  I would try to tell family that I was having issues here and there, but nothing major.  I tried to occupy my time with things that would tear my mind away from the negativity and the storm that was brewing inside of me.

This is where things get sticky…

I’ve been in the Hospital now for over a week, with no site or sound of a possible release date.  I’ve reached out to my family and loved ones yet again.  I have virtually NO SUPPORT from anyone coming in.  I’m so full of anger and resentment that it’s nearly blinded me.  You have no idea how much this hurts or how bad it digs at me.

I have been by my family’s side in a heart beat, every single time they needed me.  I have supported them in hardships, loved them when times were hard and did the same when things were easy.  I’ve sent money, offered advice, whatever they needed.  I’ve respected that they may not believe in mental health issues or the medications and/or Doctors that are behind it.  And never have I asked for anything in return other than unconditional love and support.  Is that really too much?!

I have one or two out of my one hundred fifty facebook friends that will talk to me or send me uplifting messages from time to time.  But, there is no sight or sound coming from anyone else.

I keep telling myself that maybe they don’t know I need the support right now.  But, I have told them I did.  So, I tell myself maybe they don’t know how to show support.  But, how could they not?

Today, I showed up at the Hospital, tears in my eyes, wrapped up in a blanket that I brought with me from home.  It was something warm and comfortable.  And then, as I scribbled on my morning check-in sheet, I had to recall the painful events of the weekend and how it transpired.

The Holidays are rough on me.  I live across the country from my Family.  And man, do I miss them.  The anxiety set in and then I realized that I told them a week ago that I had checked into the Hospital…and that ever since I told them, not one of them has checked on me.  I got the casual “Merry Christmas” message from my mother and one of my sisters.  I just responded back “yeah. you too.”  When I told them I had been hospitalized, I told them how hard it was for me to admit that I needed that help and how emotionally and mentally hard on me the whole situation was.  And that I would appreciate all of the support that I could get.  I haven’t seen any.

So yesterday, the anxiety became too much.  It’s all a little blurry now.  But, that ball inside of me reappeared.  This empty, tight ball in my chest that I can never explain – but that puts so much pressure on me to do something – anything.  So, I cut my wrist again.  I let myself down.  And as I rehashed the events to my Nurse, tears ran down my face.  I explained to her how I wasn’t only angry with my family and that I didn’t just feel alone-but, that I had also let myself down.  Today, no wise words pursed her lips, as usual.  I had set myself back in my progress.  I knew it and she knew it.  She simply told me to refer to our teachings and that this was my slip up because I’m only human.

So, here I am.  Very angry.  Very bitter.  I wish there was some switch that I could flip that would turn my expectations off, where it comes to people that I care about.  This way, I would never be disappointed.  But, it never fails.  They will break my heart, every single time.

And how can I miss the people that hurt me so much?  How can I allow them to live rent-free in my heart and head?  To have any influence over me or my emotions?  I’m so confused.

I feel so alone.  I have some solace in group, where there are people that like me despite all of my open and honest flaws.  But, that’s the only relief that I get.  I dread when I get released ‘back into the world’ where I’ll be left with no one to understand how I feel again.  I can only hope that the information that I’m posting here in my blogs sinks in and that I’m reinforcing it within my mind, body and soul every time I read and type.  Because this was my last stop.  This is where I was supposed to be “fixed”.  And I know it doesn’t happen overnight.  And that there is no magic pill that I can take to make everything alright.  But, damn…

There was a seven year old girl killed on Christmas Day in an ATV accident.  She was wearing her helmet.  It’s sad when I question why she was taken with so much life ahead of her..when I could have been taken instead.  She was just a kid and loving life.

And here I am, and I can’t find my way out of the darkness…I need to find my way out of the darkness.

And I will.  I’m determined.  Even if I have to light my own damned path.

How’s that for raw and real???

Just Say “No”.

Photography by JamieLeave a comment

Let’s take a moment to talk about boundaries.  I don’t know about you, but this subject is definitely one of my weaker areas.  I often get manipulated and ran over because I don’t know how to set personal boundaries for myself.  It’s the sad truth.  People can and will take advantage of you, if you have no consistent boundaries placed.  This also allows for the wrong kinds of people to enter your life.

During this lesson, I had to take a hard look at myself.  Because I have a hard time saying “no” to people for one reason or another.  I also have zero self-esteem and that’s because I’ve let others define who I am for far too long.  I’ve made the decision, and I hope that you will make it with me, that now is the time to start putting my foot down.  Now is the time to change.  Because if I don’t make this change…it may end up costing me big in the end.

The main purpose for setting new boundaries is for protection.  And by protection, I mean of your time, space, emotions, values, energy and anything else that is important to you.  We have learned that others will try to punish us for having boundaries in place, which creates fear and holds us hostage to our emotions.  But, we shouldn’t be so concerned with someone else’s thoughts and feelings that we end up being controlled by them.

Learn your limits.  Set them in stone.  Don’t compromise yourself for the sake of anyone else.  I keep repeating this over and over to myself as I try to become a stronger person.  If I have time, I’ll get to it.  If I don’t have time, the world isn’t going to stop turning just because I wasn’t able to.  That’s how I have to look at things right now.

And rather than wasting your time and my energy.  If you’re interested in boundary setting-what it is and why it’s important-please view the two sheets I have linked below.  I strongly encourage that you look into it and to participate in the boundary setting exercises.  I have to learn to say “no”…and that saying “no” is just fine…

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If you think you have good boundaries in place, don’t worry…I did, also.  But, after further investigation I found that I’ve only been hurting myself in the long run.  I was inconsistent and a pushover.  Both are negatives in terms of boundaries.  I had set unhealthy limits.  If you skipped over the part above, where the worksheets were available to you, please don’t skip over this.  Below are signs that you have unhealthy boundaries in your life and that they need to be changed.
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Personally, I think I’ve fallen victim to at least one from each of the groups in the above photo.  It’s not that I did it on purpose, I didn’t even realize it until I was reading the list in group.  If you find that you fit into any of the above categories, please scroll back up and work on setting new boundaries for yourself.  You’re the only person that can do anything about it.

If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me.  I’m always willing to hear what others have to say.  I’m also open to giving perspective and/or advice on the matter.  But, I will not make any decisions for you.  You have to be accountable for that.

I hope that you got something out of this, as I did.  Remember, you’re no good to anyone else if you don’t put you and your own needs first.

The Cycle of Depression

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I’ll start off today, by telling you that I’m not in the most positive of moods.  Holidays are always hard on me for some reason.  I’m not really sure how to pull myself out, but I’m hoping if I can put energy into something positive, I won’t be feeding my own negativity.  I painted earlier…now I’m going to try writing as an outlet.

In my recovery, I have many decisions to make when I’m ready to ‘go back into the world’.  I have a fear of what people will think of me and how they will judge me.  But, the nurse told me to remember “they can only tarnish your reputation, they can not touch your character”.  And that’s something that I thought I should share, for anyone going through some of the same things that I am.  It doesn’t make it any easier to face them, but it is nice to realize that there is that part of you that no one can touch.  She also told me to make decisions based on all of the information at hand.  And if later information was gained, then to make a new decision based upon the new information in addition to what I already knew.

But that’s all neither here nor there…getting back on track…
The Vicious Cycle

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Stressors/Triggers -> Physical ->Behaviors->Thoughts & Feelings

Stressors-this is anything that adds to stress/anxiety in your life.  They also may be referred to as “triggers”. (ie. medical issues, family issues, financial problems, etc)
Physical-the physical effects of the stressor (loss of sleep, lethargy, appetite change, etc)
Behavior-life changes in behavior (isolation, less active, loss of interest, etc)
Thoughts & Feelings-How everything begins to make you think and feel differently (hopelessness, loneliness, negativity, sadness, etc)

For me, I’m not exactly sure where my stressors actually came from, but I believe them to be an accumulation over time.  I am a ‘worrier’ by nature and am in a constant state of disarray.  I worry about money, if I’ll always be depressed, how I affect different people in my life and often hold on to the past.  This, with a long line of worries that stem from work and family matters escalated into physical issues.  It is very important to be able to identify your own triggers ahead of time, so that you know what to expect when presented with those scenarios.  Remember, avoidance is not always the answer.

My physical symptoms came to me in the form of not being able to sleep at night.  Some nights, I would just lay there, waiting for the alarm to go off to start the next day.  I also experienced a decrease in my energy level and often found myself not feeling well at all.  It’s crazy what your mind can do to you.  But, it was definitely taking it’s toll.

I guess somewhere between my physical and behavioral changes, I started medications…which now with the PHP program have changed AGAIN.  But, it really needs to be something that works for you.  And some medications do have side effects to keep in mind.  In this case, I am tired feeling a lot of the time…but I have to weigh the pros and cons.  And for me to have to maybe take a nap, is much better than the feeling of my throat closing and the panic attacks that I would experience on a daily basis.  Panic attacks are scary and you feel like you have no control over the sensations that your body goes through at that time.

When it comes to behavioral changes, I get a little cloudy.  I try to think about how my behaviors may have changed over time, but for me I think it was a gradual thing.  Because although I sought out help prior to entering the PHP program, the therapy and meds just weren’t really working…because I wasn’t doing my part.  I think that I isolated myself off from people (but, I never really had that many people around anyways).  I stopped communicating as much about how I was feeling and I lost interest in the activities that I used to very much enjoy.  Now that I think about it, I stopped crafting, I stopped talking, I stopped making any effort towards wellness.

That leads me to the next topic of Thoughts & Feelings.  I became very hopeless.  There was nothing in this world that could make me feel as though I could ever be better than I am/was.  I’m still struggling with this today, if you can’t tell.  When I entered the PHP program, I could sit in the middle of the room anywhere and be surrounded by people – but I would feel so alone and lonely.  Like I couldn’t relate to anyone.  Like it didn’t matter anyways, regardless if I had anything to contribute or not.  So, why bother?  You know?  And the negativity never ends with me.  I’m not good enough…I can’t do enough…I can’t pull myself out of this rut and I really do not want to get out of this bed.

This is my cycle.  And in group the other day, we started to learn how to break the cycle.  But, as you can tell from the above…I haven’t QUITE made it there yet.  I’m fighting it with my entire being.  But, I just can’t kick the bad habits over night.  And that’s okay.  It’s important that I be patient and easy on myself about it, because the changes WILL come.  They just won’t come quickly.  And that may vary for someone else…but, we don’t always move at the same speed.

So, maybe you’re wondering how people like me start to break the cycle….

Breaking the Cycle

There is no easy quick-fix for breaking the cycle of depression that I’ve found.  And if you have something that works for you, that’s great.  For me, it’s going to be a process.  But, I’m taking the baby steps that I need to in order to get there.

Below are some things that I am trying to practice and look at in my own recovery.  They may be helpful for you, too.  But, believe me when I say this is all going to take some serious commitment.

Establishing a Routine
Structure and Consistency are very important in recovery from depression.  You need to feel like you’re doing something and getting something done.  The completion or achievement gives you a self-confidence boost.  And by creating that structure in your life, you are also learning to make time for YOURSELF.  This means more relaxation and downtime can be worked into your daily routine.  The balance that this brings to your life is very important.

I could not agree more with the routine establishment.  I make sure that I have small goals that I want to achieve each day right now.  And accomplishing those goals is up to me.  If I complete them quickly, I have more time for myself and for relaxation.  If I choose to do them slowly, well then that’s on me.  But, I find a sense of purpose and meaning in accomplishing each task that I had designated to myself.  It’s just a little boost of self-esteem, no matter how small it may be -it’s still in the right direction.

Social Support

If you’re like me, you may not have many people that you open up to about certain things.  But, you probably at least have one person in your life that you don’t mind venting the small things to.  That’s what this is.  It’s important to be able to vent out small frustrations so that they don’t become larger, unhappier feelings.  The best thing about venting to others or talking things through with whomever you choose, is that person provides you with a new perspective on things.  So, where you might find darkness and frustration, that person may be able to shine a little light on it for you.  Often times, things aren’t as bad as we make them out to be.  But, it takes confirmation from another person for us to realize that we could be looking at the situation from a much different angle.

Like I said, I don’t have many people that I open up to.  But, even talking to someone online or a phone call to your one friend may make the difference you need in that moment.

Professional Support Network

This is where your therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, pastor or what have you come in to play.  These are people that provide you with professional support.  They are people that you count on for a professional opinion.  They have to be there for you when you need them…it’s their job after all.  And the best thing is that Confidentiality Agreement.  You know you can open up and tell this person anything..and there’s nothing that they can say or do about it.   Talk to them about your needs and concerns and do not be afraid to ask them for advice.

I have a psychiatrist and psychologist, personally.  While the psychologist helps me to meet my mental needs, such as venting and providing perspective; my psychiatrist provides me with physical support such as medications.  My psychiatrist is actually the person who got me into reading up on Mindfulness and Acceptance as a form of therapy.  I’ve really enjoyed it and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process.  My psychologist is the person I credit for helping me put it into practice.  She’s just terrific.

Expecting the Slip Ups and Down Days

This is important and you should say it with me…you need to expect down days, because down days are going to come.  I mean, there is no other way to look at it.  You can’t have good days without bad days, too.  It’s how we react to those bad days and what we do with them that matters and makes or breaks us at the time.  Do not believe on these days that you are back to “square one”.  You aren’t.

I’m guilty of being rather hard on myself when they roll around.  You already know that I had a habit of cutting myself and becoming violently angry with myself when they rolled around.  But, I’m working on remembering that I’ve survived every worst day of my life this far…and I’m going to continue to survive every worst day that comes my way.  It’s really important that I not be too hard on myself when I do slip up, because like a toddler learning to walk – I will have to fall fifty times before I can even take that first step.

Random Notes and Thoughts Today

“Let me let go of what I am, so that I can become what I may be.”
“Don’t insist on always being right.  Your way, is not the ONLY way.”
“You are a Student in Life-you are always learning.”

The 4 Main Areas of Life to Look at in Order to Stay Healthy

  1. Physical
  2. Mental
  3. Social
  4. Spiritual

The following tools are my own.  They are what I use to record and track my moods.  There are also tools that I use to ensure my own happiness and well-being.  The reason that I use the tools below are to track patterns that I can use to bring to my health professional when I meet with them, to determine our next course of action.

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