“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin-real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. ” – Alfred D’Souza
Life is a journey, not a destination. It’s built one step at a time by what I do. Managing my anxiety has cost me dearly.
It’s finally time for my life to begin. I have anxiety, stress, and depression obstacles.
We all have a finite time here. I’m not sure how you’ve been living, but I’ve been drifting through the days on autopilot. Drifting here and there without a compass to guide me, not questioning a thing. And I’ve been spending a great deal of time attempting to keep my obstacles in check.
Is this what I want to be about? The short answer is “no”.
I want to be more than my obstacles.
It’s no secret that I’ve lost control of where I was going or how I’ve maneuvered through my obstacles up until now. And all the while it’s cost me my precious energy, time, opportunities, freedom, and relationships. So, it’s time to take a close, personal look into my experience. After all, nobody is more of an expert in my experience than me, myself.
Interpersonal Costs
I have isolated myself from people. I have avoided social situations where I may have been overly anxious or uncomfortable. Not only have I avoided them for those reasons, but also because I asked myself “what’s the point?”
In existing relationships, I’ve strained them significantly. Sometimes being triggered and lashing out. Often times because I couldn’t clearly communicate what I was going through.
Career Costs
I’ve always been a hard worker. There’s no question there. But I am insecure and uncertain. There’s always a war being fought in my head over whether or not I’m good enough, if I’ve done enough, or if I did it right. I love to learn, too. And when I’m not given the opportunity to grow, I take it personally and assume the worst.
This time, I had to miss work to seek out the help that I need. And since the time I need to receive the help and recover is so indefinite, I had to resign.
Health Costs
There have been several effects of managing my worry, anxiety, and fear on my health. I don’t avoid taking care of myself or anything like that. But, it has affected my ability to fall asleep or staying asleep. It has also taken its toll on my mood, making me more irritable and easily agitated. It also has kept me from eating before. Sometimes it even means my blood pressure goes way up. The costs, really, in this category are endless.
Because of this, I see a psychiatrist and psychologist on a regular basis. I also compromise my health and body with medications.
Energy Costs
I waste so much energy on worry, stress, and negative thinking. Sometimes I experience difficulty with my short term memory, unable to recall the simplest of things. I’ve developed a minor case of ocd, having to repeat things in my head to calm myself. And I’m mentally, physicality and emotionally exhausted. In severe situations, I’ve become temporarily disoriented. Often times finding myself walking in circles or wondering how/why I was where I was.
Emotional Costs
This is an important one. As a result of trying to control my anxiety and depression, I became sad and hopeless. And on top of that, lonely. I would randomly explode in fits of anger and rage. And ultimately, all of my internal emotions led me to suicidal thoughts, tendencies and to routines of self harm.
Financial Costs
Oh my. I don’t even want to think about this one. I can’t think about it without instantly breaking down. The cost is substantial. Between regular office visits, gas, hospitalization and medications…I can’t even begin to list the costs.
Costs of Freedom
You are virtually stripped of this when you become hospitalized. Not to mention having to be observed around the house while upset, in fear of what I may do to myself. I am somewhat dependant on others to do certain things for me and I avoid interactions because I quickly become socially awkward.
The want to manage my mental illness is a trap. And the more I struggle, the tighter it gets. But I’m determined to find a way out…
Here are some worksheets for you to examine your own struggles, if you so choose.
What Has Your Anxiety Cost You?
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