Tag: PTSD

The Mind Trap

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I previously blogged about the myths surrounding me and my anxiety disorder.  If you missed it, you should definitely read it and I would encourage you to keep reading my blogs in the order in which I have them written.  The reason for this, is because this is my journey…these are things that I am learning for myself – and if you can relate to me at all, they may be things that you would also like to think about and/or experience.

When thinking of a mind trap, I think of falling into the belief that something has to be true because that’s the way it is and the way it always has been.  And I suppose that’s somewhat true.  Buying into falsehoods or myths definitely aren’t going to get me where I am hoping to end up.

So, while reading my book, I’ve learned of several ways that I can fall into this mind trap.

  1. Fusing thoughts, images, places, memories…meaning, I can associate certain thoughts “as if” they are the same thing as the event or circumstance that they describe.  When you think of fusion, it may be something that’s hard to understand.  For me to completely understand I had to do an exercise where I would take an experience and then list the first five things that come to mind.  Since humans have such judgmental minds, I allow those five individual thoughts to become the very experience that I described.  This gives the thought more importance in my brain that it truly deserves…and if that thought is negative, the impact it has on me is tremendously detrimental.
  2. Evaluating Experiences…by associating an experience with a thought or feeling and tagging it with a judgment .  I need to learn to take an experience and accept it for what it is – an experience.  Whether it’s bad or good, it’s still only an experience.  I tend to buy into and feed my negative judgments.  Often, this causes me more pain and increases my suffering.  It would be better in the long run if I let go of the judgments and left the experiences as unedited entities that have occurred.  Overthinking has always been a downfall of mine, though…and this one is going to be a tough habit to break.  My desire is to feed a more compassionate heart and to forgo feeding the Painful Wolf.
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  3. Avoiding Experiences…only provide me with temporary relief from the bad thoughts and feelings that I may associate with them.  That’s probably why I have done it for so long and continue to do it to this day.  This allows me to buy into the idea that my worries and anxieties are “bad”.  But, is that necessarily true?  I have a hard time believing it’s not.  But what I’ve been learning is that it’s only through experience that we learn who we do and do not want to become, or how we do or do not want to live.  I need these experiences to move towards the life that I so desperately want to live.  And through the negative experiences, I know what choices I want to make.  I was asked to read the story of the Emperor Moth in order to better understand the idea.

Am I ready to recognize the mind traps that have been baited and set before me?  I’m not sure.  I have acknowledged them, but it will probably take some time before I’m able to recognize them for what they are.  I know that I don’t want to stay stuck and feed into the struggle and negativity that I’ve been letting run my life for so long.

The following are the recommended exercises that I’ve been asked to learn in order to better observe my experiences.

  1. Mind Watching-“Imagine your mind is a medium-sized room with two doors.  Thoughts come in through the front door and leave out the back door.  First, watch each thought as it enters.  Keep watching to see what it is going to do next.  Don’t do anything with it.  Your only task here is simply to watch that thought.  Don’t engage it or argue with it.  Don’t analyze it.  It’s just a brief visitor to the room.  And when it’s ready to leave, let it go out the back door and do not try to hold on to it.  If you find that you’re judging yourself for having the thought, that’s fine.  Acknowledge that, but don’t bother to argue with yourself.  The key is to keep watching and noticing, but to not become emotionally invested into the thoughts and/or beliefs. Continue this until you feel an emotional distance from your thoughts-to where they are just a moment in the room and nothing more-no longer important and no longer requiring action.”  This has become one of my favorite forms of meditation and mind exercising.
  2. Mindful Walking-“When you walk you will notice that you do not have to think much about what your legs and body are doing.  They are seemingly on auto-pilot.  The goal here is to bring awareness to the experience.  So, as you walk, focus on your breathing and walk naturally as you bring your awareness to the rhythm of your steps and how your body feels as it moves.  If thoughts come, notice them and let them go, as you bring your attention back to just walking.  Feel your feet on the ground, your hips moving with each stride.  Note the sensations.  You should notice that you’re moving with your thoughts and feelings in tow, all going forward.  Silently repeat a mantra such as: I am whole, I am complete, I am in flow.  And when you’re finished walking, allow yourself a little bit of time to reflect upon your experience.”  This is something that I haven’t had much experience with, as I usually have some sort of company while walking.  But, this exercise would be great for someone who enjoys their own space or quiet time.
  3. Riding Out the Storm

This is where I think it will become difficult for me.  It’s sometimes difficult to notice when I’m caught up in the trap.  And sometimes I feed the wrong wolves.  But, the costs are high for me this time and this is an important step for me to take in order to get out of the anxiety/depression traps and back into my life.

Myths are a waste of time. They prevent Progression.

Photography by JamieLeave a comment

It’s Christmas Eve and I’d like to wish anyone who reads my entries a Happy Holiday…just as a side note.

Pre-Blog Exercise:  If you choose to do this exercise with me, don’t think of the Pink Elephant in the room.

I’ve been learning about mental illnesses and the different types of worries, anxieties and fears that people experience.  Though, they are not exactly the same; they have so much in common.  There’s some comfort found in being able to label your suffering.  But, do you really want to be known for or as the label of your problem for the rest of your life?  I know that I don’t.

So many things have been pounded into our heads about our disorders by the Media, Doctors, even our peers.  You may have heard that anxiety is a disease like that of Cancer.  Or you may have heard that it is hereditary.  Some people even believe that herbal remedies and diet changes can even alter your disorder.  There are so many things that we are told that it almost becomes something more in itself…a whole new level of anxiety, for dealing with our anxiety.  How is that helpful? It isn’t.

Anxiety is Hereditary

Think about this one for a moment.  Go ahead…

You may notice that your mother or siblings all struggle with some sort of anxiety problem.  “It runs in my family” has probably popped into your head once or twice.  And though on the outside, it appears to be true, this is in fact false.

If you say “it runs in my family”, take a minute to think about that statement.  If your mother suffers from it and your siblings suffer from it, could it not also be true that from watching your mother’s behavior you have learned to react to certain situations in specific ways?  It might even be that you have inherited the predisposition of anxious behavior, just like you inherit a predisposition to be athletic, extroverted or a fast learner.  But, that isn’t the same thing as inheriting a disorder.  Remember what you can and can’t control.  And you can control your actions/reactions when you are feeling anxious.

Intense Anxiety is Not Normal

If you have an anxiety disorder, like I do, you know that at times it can be extremely intense.  The fact that I couldn’t deal with it on my own, is part of the reason why I am seeking help for it now.

But does that mean that intense anxiety isn’t normal?  No.

Think of moments of fear, like on a rollercoaster.  Or maybe you have been through a natural disaster (such as a tornado).  The feelings you get are very intense at the time, but they are temporary for most.  In fact, they’re quite normal.  The feelings that you have in those moments are not stopping you from leading the life you want to live.  The problem comes when you don’t know how to take those thoughts and feelings with you and they interfere and become barriers to the life we want to lead.

Anxiety Makes You Weak

All human beings have suffering.  Without suffering, there is no compassion.  It’s built into us.  It’s part of who we are.

I know that it can be hard to understand and believe at times.  Hell, I view myself as broken, faulted and as if I have a personality defect.  You might be laughing, but it’s been pounded into my head by everyone around me that there is something wrong with me.  It’s the great illusion fueled by your own mind on what “perfect” must look like.  The other thing that will always be an issue is the idea that we must compare ourselves to others.  This happens to me when I see people out and about, doing happy things and living so-called happy lives.  I become envious of what they must have that they appear to be so happy.  It makes me feel as though I’m missing something that they must have.

These things don’t make me weak, though.  They simply make me human.

To Live Happy, You Have To Be Happy

“In order to live better, I must first think and feel better.  And once I start thinking and feeling better, my life will improve for the better.”  Heed the warning, this is nothing more than a trap!

This has been a trap that has caught me so many times that it’s not funny anymore.  Not that it was even laughable to begin with.  But, it’s common.  And in lame man’s terms, it’s says that your pain is so “bad” that you shouldn’t think about it or deal with it…it should be pushed down and avoided.  Do you know how exhausting it is to push down this enormous amount of pain and to hold it down, just to look like you are happy?  I found that it’s a temporary relief from what I might have been feeling, but that band aid isn’t going to hold!

The idea that you can rid yourself of pain may also leave you using objects or people as a crutch.  I’m like this with certain people.  They are my “safe people”.  Meaning, as long as they are around, I might feel a little more at ease and a bit more relaxed.  But, at the same time, I’m waiting for the ball to drop!

I will say this – it may all feel good in the moment, to feel as though you have managed or avoided your anxiety, but that’s a short-term feeling.  And if you look further at it, you’ll find out that there are boundaries that come with it, limiting you as to what you can do.  First hand, I’ve spent so much time trying to manage and control my anxiety, that it’s taken away from the things that I care about in my life.  In turn, causing me more anxiety and at times even shutting me completely down.

The Hard Truth

The hard truth is that I’m not going to find a cure for my anxiety in a pill, person, place or thing.  My mind is going to try to tell me otherwise, I know.  And those times are going to be difficult to deal with – but, hey this is what I signed up for by taking the path to self-discovery.  Experience tells me that these temporary fixes are just that…temporary.

The myths are all very limiting and set boundaries on what my happy life could be.  They become obstacles in my path of finding that happiness that I so long for; a barrier between me and the life I want to live.

I have let worry, anxiety and depression rule my life for far too long.  I am more than a PTSD diagnosis and so is my life.  It’s time I let go of the lies I’ve always known and come to believe that there is a way I can carry the “pain” with me, while living the life I’ve always wanted to live.

If you’re going on this journey with me, maybe we can figure all of this out together…

Wanna Go For a Ride??

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So, as I was saying in my introduction, this blog is mainly going to be a guide or reference for my journey through recovery.  And when I say recovery, I’m not talking about drug abuse or alcoholism.  I am talking about my path back to happiness and finding the light in my life once more.

Let me just say that it hasn’t been easy acknowledging the fact that I need help.  It’s been hard to ask for directly.  But, it was time.  Something had to give, or I don’t know what might have happened to me.  I would go so far as to say that I may even be dead right now.

I was having violent fits of rage, cutting myself, crying spells…the whole nine yards.  And I wasn’t getting any better over time despite my medications and doctors.  My pleas for help from peers were going unanswered and I could no longer carry the weight that was upon my shoulders alone.  I had lost Faith in everything, inclusive of the world and humanity -even Spiritually.  And even worse, I felt like I hated everything about myself and my life.

It wasn’t until my last fit of rage, where I cut my wrist, that I committed to going into the mental facility for a pscyh evaluation.  Not only did I commit to the evaluation, but I also committed to following through with whatever they recommended.  I had gone before, but couldn’t be bothered to follow up due to things like Holidays and work.  This time was different.  This time, I had to make the choice — the hard decision to actually put myself first, for what felt like the first time in my life.

This will be a crazy ride for both you and I…but, we can do it together.  Through Mindfulness, Acceptance and Intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy we may discover things that we never even knew existed about ourselves.  We may travel through dark and winding paths where there may glimmers of hope that await us.  I don’t know about you, but I’m maintaining a positive attitude because my life and happiness depend on it.

Come with me on this journey.  Let’s go for a ride together.