self-care

Diagnosis: C-PTSD

January 10, 2017January 8, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

So, now that we’re talking about my diagnosis, I’m moving on to C-PTSD. It’s PTSD, only a little more Complex.

To start again, we’ll go ahead with the definition.

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD, I questioned whether or not the diagnosis should actually be for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Turns out, that BPD and C-PTSD have a lot of gray area when they overlap.

The thing to remember is that with C-PTSD compared to PTSD, there are not always flashbacks of people and/or events that took place. But, they are usually related to a prolonged period of abuse (emotional/physical/mental), usually during childhood. I don’t necessarily agree with all of the things rated in the chart above. But, that’s what they determined in 2014 to be the relation between the two. For instance, the idea of self-harm and suicidal behavior along with the frantic attempts to go out of my way to avoid abandonment are all relevant to me. However, C-PTSD doesn’t even touch on those.

That being said, let’s look at some of the symptoms of C-PTSD.

I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel that I can not relate to the given symptoms. Sure, I controlled some emotions through self-harm because I couldn’t express them properly and they became more than what I could handle. And yes, I would verbally express my desire to die, just for the sake of no longer suffering or being in pain. I often felt as though I couldn’t enjoy anything because that would be bad or the thought of enjoying it would be seen as only disappointment when things didn’t go my way. There are so many symptoms that are all relative, you know?

So, let’s look at some drugs that they use to control the symptoms.

I can spot a few on this list that I have been on or am currently on. I’ve had experiences with Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Venlafaxine XR and possibly some others that are not listed here. I’ve combined any of those drugs with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and have found CBT to be the most effective thing in my condition. Because it forces me to face the trigger that is bothering me, question it’s reality and whether or not it’s a good/bad thought, and then deal with it appropriately. If you have never tried CBT, I highly encourage it. And actually, a lot of the information I present in my blog and worksheets comes from my CBT classes and Anxiety Journal Workbook.

Then, there are triggers for those who suffer from PTSD. We defined a trigger in my last blog. But, we’ll look at another definition here, for time’s sake.

I’m more of an internal feelings and sensations person. I don’t really have flashbacks. But, I do have unwanted memories that I wish I could just toss out of my head. The mental/emotional/physical abuse that I endured during my childhood has haunted my thoughts, feelings, and memories for far too long. It’s caused myself a lot of pain. And on top of that, it’s changed my whole viewpoint of other people around me and what I expect them to think of me – which is always the worst case scenario, if I’m being real here.

It hurts, man. Like no other. I just want to feel normal and look at things from the perspective of people who appear to be so care-free and happy. I not only want to feel accepted, special, loved or cared for. I also want to love myself again.

Through these blogs, weekly psychiatrist appointments, two weeks of CBT group sessions, monthly psychologist appointments, writing and reading…I believe I’m well on my way. I’ve found a great sense of accomplishment in recognizing when I’m being triggered and by what. I’ve been fighting the necessary wars in my head little by little and lately they haven’t been as rough. I’m still struggling with falling asleep, but that’s playing in the minor league there. And by starting to cultivate and nourish a more harmonious, decluttered environment..I can feel the change sweeping over me like a warm blanket.

This is where I leave you, for now. But, I’ll be back either with another diagnosis at a glimpse, or with a new lesson.

Hold your head up high. We have so much to live for.

Diagnosis: Anxiety

January 9, 2017January 8, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I figured that today was a good day to start talking about my personal Diagnosis. Though, I will be breaking them down in to single categories, in full I am diagnosed with C-PTSD, Anxiety Disorder and Clinical Depression.

Today, we’ll talk about anxiety on a personal level. How it has affected me personally and how I’ve felt about it, etc.

The first thing that we’re going to do is define the diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.

Next, let’s take a look at some of the symptoms. When doing so, please remember that the symptoms are not always limited to this list.

So, on a more personal level, let me tell you about my symptoms. I can relate to the constant worrying or obsession about small or large concerns. These are mostly caused by my mind-reading and other unhelpful thought patterns that we’ve previously discussed. I tend to think everyone hates me or is against me. I always assume the worst and by doing that, I think that I’m helping myself when in reality, I’m only hurting myself. I am constantly in a state of somewhere between asleep and awake, as I suffer from sleep problems. I’ve had my medications changed on me four times within the last two months and I can tell you, I wish they could find something that works. I wake up on average, every three hours while sleeping. And this is after I’ve had trouble falling asleep to begin with. If I become highly tired, I also become very irritable. Irritability is also caused by taking on too much at one time and overwhelming myself. I’m absolutely no stranger to it. Due to the amount of stress that I place on myself, I do become physically tense and experience a lot of back and shoulder pain. It’s not a pleasant experience at all. When it’s at it’s worst, I shake a little bit because I’m very afraid of what’s coming next. Even if I have no reason to be, I am very afraid. I often sweat a lot in states of extreme nervousness and if I can’t resolve the issue quickly, I become angry with myself and begin to feel sick to my stomach. The physical ailments aligned with anxiety are more than you could ever possibly imagine. It’s not until I’m having panic attacks, that the shortness of breath, tight chest, throat closing and rapid heartbeat start to occur.

All of that probably sounds like I’m exaggerating. But, sadly I’m not. I wish I were. And that’s not even the complete list of my symptoms.

So, next comes the panic attack for me. I’m going to take this time to define that for you.

These are NOT fun. And I do not wish them upon anyone. I often lose my balance, find myself swaying, feeling as though my throat is closing along with chest pain and hot flashes. Palpitations, Sweating, and Trembling go right along with those things. It’s exhausting having a panic attack. And you can never really tell when they will hit. There are a few obvious triggers for me personally, but I could be out shopping or be faced with having to make a decision and suddenly it hits.

So, along with symptoms, come a list of disorders or other common ailments.

So, the disorders above are very specific in what they are attributed to. If you want to know which ones I relate most to, they are: PTSD, Social Phobia (Social Anxiety), Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety.

PTSD we will talk about in another Diagnosis Section of my blog.

As far as Social Anxiety goes, it’s the worst. I always think people are super critical of me and worry about what they will think or how they will judge me. I feel super awkward trying to start and maintain a conversation, like I’m just waiting to say that one weird thing or embarrassing myself in the process. So, I end up isolating myself, to avoid the fear and anxiety of it. This is something that I’m now working on doing better at. I’ve been knocking on my social phobia’s door and saying hello more frequently. But, it’s difficult to want to do it.

Oh my, Panic Disorder. I can relate to what the definition says about avoiding certain situations, places and things. I dislike crowds very much, I feel like I can’t move in them. It’s like I’m being squeezed very tightly by a bunch of pressure that is made up of the people surrounding me. So I avoid anything that puts me into that situation. I will panic. I have to sit on the end row in the movie theaters and I must know where the nearest restroom is. Maybe that’s weird to you, but knowing how my body functions sometimes, I just feel it’s for the best. And I don’t want to have to crawl out over people if I need to leave suddenly.

General Anxiety (GAD) I feel is what most people relate to. But, I feel as though I take it to the extreme. I worry and then I worry some more, about anything and everything…even if I have to actually actively find something to worry about. I will worry. Whether it’s about finances, relationships, what people think or feel about me, or even whether I’m questioning myself. It’s at times so overwhelming and hard to contain. But, I guess that’s why I’m on the meds that I’m currently on.

Some days, I feel as though I can’t even get out of bed, the feelings are just too much for me to want to face. It’s scary. It’s the abundance of this along with my depression that made me do what I did to myself whenever it got to be too much.

This brings me to medications. I’m sure many of you are as familiar with these as I am.

Since my anxiety diagnosis, I have seen a lot of medications come and go. From this list alone, I’ve been on: Mirtazapine, Trazodone, Venlafaxine, Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Buspirone, and maybe a couple more that I’ve forgotten by now. And maybe a few that aren’t even listed. I know for certain I don’t see Klonopin or Effexor up there, but I’ve been on those as well. They may be more for depression though, we’ll find out later.

Some other natural things that I do in order to keep my anxiety in check are to clean, declutter and organize my house. And since I’ve figured out that the Lavender scent is supposed to help, I have gone way overboard with that. I used to drink chamomile and/or sleepy time teas. But, I haven’t done that in quite a while now. I think I found it relaxing, for what that’s worth. And then there’s the giant elephant in the room….exercise. Who wants to do that?! But, sometimes, there is no better cure for what ails me than to drag my butt outside or even just out of bed and get to work on something constructive.

There will always be this war inside of my head. But, at least I’m fighting and not giving in.

This too, shall pass.

A B C Theory of Emotional Disturbance

January 9, 2017January 7, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

Facts are not Feelings.

ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance: “It is not the event, but rather our interpretation of it, that causes our emotional reaction.”

A-the trigger or stressor (ie a break up)

B-the belief and/or self-talk (ie mind-reading or catastrophizing)

C-the Emotional Consequence (ie depression)

D-the Debate of Crazy Thinking (ie talk with self or others to challenge one’s self)

E-the Emotional Effect (ie rational thoughts were met and a finalized feeling)

I have had a lot of success with identifying my trigger and then asking myself rationally, “what can I do to elimate such and such?” It’s reduced my anxiety and stress tremendously. So, I urge you to take the ABC Theory and apply it to your life as much as possible.

Here, I will give an example of the ABC Theory in action:

A-Activating Event- Your girl friend breaks the news that she is going out with another guy, and therefore wishes to break up your relationship.

B-Beliefs/Self Talk-You begin to think things such as “I really must be a worthless person”, “I will never find a great woman like her”, She doesn’t want me; therefore no one could possibly want me” and/or “this is so awful! Everything happens to me!”, “I can’t stand the world being so unfair.”

C-Emotional Consequences-You begin to fall into depression and/or Isolate yourself.

D-Debate of Crazy Thinking-“Where is the proof that because this girl wishes to end our relationship that I am a worthless person? Or that I’ll never have a good relationship with someone else? Or that I couldn’t possibly be happy alone?” and/or “Why is it awful that I am not getting what I want?”, “Why shouldn’t the world be full of injustices?”

E-Emotional Effect-Sadness (“Well, we did have a nice time and I’m sorry it didn’t work out–but we did have some problems and now I can find a new friend.” or Annoyance (“It’s annoying that she was seeing someone else but it isn’t awful or intolerable.”)

I think you have a better picture of where this is going now. Follow the rB (Rational Belief) path and things will go so much better for you. But, if you can not do it right away, you can go in circles with yourself until you become more rational in your way of thinking. This is just one more thing that takes plenty of practice.

I get stuck in negativity a lot. Lately, I’ve had to talk myself out of it and I’m finding it easier and easier to do each time. Especially since I’ve identified a few things that trigger me. I can avoid or deal with those things proactively and begin my self-improvement process.

Let’s Talk About Self-Esteem

January 8, 2017January 7, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I wanted to take a moment to talk about self-esteem because I have virtually none and I really need to reinforce this lesson, for myself. And if it helps you, too, that would be terrific!

“Do not fall into the trap of believing that you are back to square one, most people have bad days – it’s called being human.”

Go ahead and think that one over. I know I have to, several times. In essence, it simply means that the bad days will come and maybe you even become temporarily derailed from your track of progress. But you shouldn’t lose track of your personal growth goal when they do come – and they WILL come (you’ve heard me say this many times – it’s difficult for me to swallow at times). Just remember don’t beat yourself up over it. And when you can calm yourself and get your thoughts together to make a rational decision, pick up where you left off…even take a step backwards and look at how you can move forward from that point, if you have to. It can be done! I promise you.

Also remember this: “When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen”. Your story is your own, you can begin a new chapter for yourself any time you so choose to do so. Just make sure that you are the one making the decisions and directing your life path. Don’t let anyone else have so much control over you and your life that they are essentially writing your story. No! This is YOUR story…YOU make it happen. Hold that pen tightly and don’t let go of it.

If someone is a constant source of negativity, no matter how much you love them or care for them, let them go. It’s something you have to decide to do. But, what are they contributing to you from the relationship other than sadness, self-doubt, hurt feelings and possibly a lower self-image. I’ve been there, mostly in my past. If they are only memories that hold you back, choose to forgive or forget. Make the choice to not let that memory control who you want to be today. It’s a toughy. But if you’re ready, you’ll know that it’s an easy choice to make.

Here are a few tips for building Self-Esteem:

Do not set yourself up for relapse.
Do not put too much on your plate, too soon. That’s pretty much a set up.
Put yourself into situations where the probability of success is higher.

They sound easy enough, right? I believe that you and I can achieve them easily once our minds are clearly made up with the conscious decision to think and feel better in our own skin.

Some strategies for Building Self-Esteem

Crises of self-esteem are a part of the “human experience”. When you feel troubled by low self-esteem, review the suggestions below and choose those that are relevant to YOUR personal situation and work on them. Be patient with yourself, okay? Change takes time and hard, consistent work.

Free yourself from “should haves”. Live your life on the basis of what is possible for you and what feels right to you instead of what you or others think/feel you “SHOULD DO”. “Should haves” distract us from identifying and fulfilling our own needs, abilities, interests, and personal goals. This leaves us with unmet needs. And no one wants to deal with those. Find out what you want and what you are good at. Value those and take actions designed to fulfill your positive potential.
Respect your own needs. Recognize and take care of your own needs and wants first! Identify what really fulfills you –not just immediate gratifications. Respecting your deeper needs will increase your sense of worth and well-being.
Set achievable goals. Establish goals on the basis of what you can realistically achieve, then work step-by-step to develop your potential. To strive always for perfectionism in your goals invites stress and failure. That is the opposite of what we want. An example of this is when you’re in school and you tell yourself that “anything but an A in school is always unacceptable.” Don’t do this to yourself. You’re better than that and we both know it.
Talk to yourself POSITIVELY. Stop listening to your anxiety or your “cruel inner critic”. When you notice that you are doubting or judging yourself, replace such thoughts with self-accepting thoughts, balanced self-assessment and self-supportive directions.
This is the hardest one for me to do, honestly. My anxiety typically gets the best of me. But, after I step through the doorway of my fear, I find that things aren’t nearly as bad as I expected them to be. I listened to the devil on my shoulder, rather than my self-loving angel. Big mistake. I encourage you, don’t fall for what your anxiety is telling you. It will only bring you pain. And that’s what we’re trying to avoid here.
Test your reality. Separate your emotional reactions, such as fear and bad feelings, from the reality of your current situation. For example, you may feel stupid, anxious, or hopeless about a project or event. But if you think about it clearly, you may still have the ability and opportunity to accomplish something in it.
Experience success. Seek out and put yourself into situations in which the probability of success is high. Look for projects which stretch, but do not overwhelm, your abilities. Imagine yourself succeeding. Whatever you may accomplish, let yourself acknowledge and experience your success and good feelings about it. Bask in your progress and keep at it!
Take chances. New experiences are learning experiences which can build self-confidence. Expect to make mistakes as part of the process; don’t be disappointed if you don’t do it perfectly. Feel good about trying something new, making progress and increasing your competence. When you practice this one, remember “Practice Makes Perfect”. If you fall off of your bike, get right back on that baby and pedal away. Before long, you’ll be able to ride that bike with no hands! ha-ha.
Solve problems. Do not avoid problems, and do not moil about them. Face them, head on! Identify ways to solve them or to cope with them. If you run away from problems that you can and should solve, you threaten your self-confidence.
Make decisions. Practice making and implementing positive decisions flexibly, but firmly. Trust yourself to deal with the consequences. When you assert yourself, you enhance your sense of yourself, learn more, and increase your self-confidence. Just remember that YOU need to be in control of the decision making and that it should positively affect you in some way. These decisions can start out small and grow larger as you practice the skill. Remember the quote about holding the pen to the story of your life. That will come in useful here.
Develop your skills. Know what you can and can not do. Assess the skills you need; learn and practice those. For example, if you want to start painting pictures or taking photographs. You will need to identify the steps in doing either of those. Then you pick up the brush and/or the camera and you start practicing. Maybe you ask someone to model for you to begin your portfolio. Maybe your first painting is something that you needed to copy in your own style. Either way…..the steps are there and you know your own limits.
Emphasize your strengths. Focus on what you can do rather than what you can not. Accept current limitations and live comfortably within them. Even as you consider what your actual strengths are, what you might want or need to develop next. There are only limits that you set on yourself that are in your way. You can learn to push the boundaries, without overdoing it. Just focus on what you’re good at and what you know you’re capable of and the rest will fall into place.
Rely on your own opinion of yourself. Entertain feedback from others, but do not rely on their opinions. Remember that opinions are NOT facts; therefore, they may be made up or fictional. When you rely on someone’s opinion, it may actually be self-defeating. So, don’t do that! Instead, depend on your own values in making decisions and deciding how you feel about yourself and what is right for you to do. This is your life — do what you want and be happy with it. Be prepared to face the consequences either way. Because following your heart, values and own decisions leaves only you accountable. So, make them count!

Always remember to debate and replace your negative thoughts. You can not let people steal your joy. If it’s something that you want to work with and move forward with, don’t give others the power to take that away from you.

I say that, but I am one of the most guilty when it comes to letting others opinions, along with listening to my own thoughts and what my own fears and anxiety tell me. I let those things hurt me, drag me down and just make myself so much more fearful than anyone should be. That’s why I’m sharing these things with you now. We’re stronger than we know. And it’s time to let go of all of the negativity. If we can make decisions that we feel good about and that make us happy–then our own consequences are the only things we have left to worry about. If someone else doesn’t like it. They don’t have to. As long as what we’re doing makes us happy, screw them. Their opinions are not factual and mean nothing in our lives unless we give them the power to. Shut that power down.

Decluttering My Life

January 6, 2017 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I have been a little absent from my blog as of late, I apologize. I’ve been wanting to write more – and I will. But, I’ve been working on me a little bit more and that means some things have been sacrificed in the process.

I talked about something called “cultivating your environment” in a different blog entry. Well, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. The first day, I took everything out of the office closet and designated it into three groups: it has a purpose & keep it, donate it, or trash it. I did this by asking myself if whatever I had in my hand actually contributed anything to my life and if it had a purpose for later. If I could answer “no” to either question, it was gone. I didn’t second guess myself and I had made the decision on the spot. I can see my closet now! And…even better than that…it’s really organized and everything is in it’s own place. Holy cow. It.is.possible. Who knew?!

And if you know anything about me from prior posts, it’s that I am one of the most indecisive people in the world. I can’t make decisions to save my life. But, the fact that I could choose what to do with an item based on a couple of simple questions I asked myself, that feeling is something else! It gave me a sense of accomplishment, like I’m moving in the right direction. It also gave me confidence to do the things I had been afraid to do for so long. In the end, and most importantly, it gave me a sense of happiness.

The next day, I took a corner of the office, itself, one at a time and threw away anything that didn’t belong. I did the exact same thing I did with the closet. Asked myself the questions and followed through accordingly. I even started a change jar! All of the change I find or have in my pockets, etc will go into this sole jar. And either when it’s full or at a certain time of the year (I haven’t decided THAT much yet!), it will be brought to the bank and cashed in for a few extra dollars. It doesn’t seem like I could possibly go wrong with that!

On the third day, I tackled the bathroom and the linen closet. This might not sound like much to you, but trust me – there was so much junk in both. Three trash bags later and I was done. I created so much more space! I even folded all of the towels differently to create more space for them in the linen closet, instead of just kind of stuffing them in there. I threw away a ton of dog items that were expired. The list just goes on and on. But, I feel really good after just a few days of decluttering so far.

This feels like real progress. And Im not feeling overwhelmed or anxious when I go into these rooms now. That’s the best part.

My home hasn’t felt like “home” to me in quite some time. And the clutter has been looming over me for years. It’s so nice to take a breath and just be comfortable where I am instead of isolating myself to the bedroom or something silly like that. I can live here again and be okay. At least that’s what I think will happen by the time that I’m done.

I did some research on essential oils, also. And found that lavender oil is good for creating a relaxing, calming environment. I found a wax melter, too, at a local thrift store. So, when I am done decluttering, the plan is to spread my diffusers and the wax melter to the major parts of my home in hopes of cultivating even more of that relaxing environment that I desperately need.

I walked into the Shelter today for the first time since hospitalization. Man, was I nervous. But they were so warm and welcoming to me. I almost cried at one point because I truly loved my job at the time that I was hitting rock bottom. But, for me – I need to take my time in jumping back into anything. Causing myself any extra stress, anxiety or discomfot would not be helping myself to heal. It would be hurting the goals that I’ve set for myself to complete in my own time; however much time that may take. I can’t force myself to take on more than I think I can handle right now. It hurts to think anyone there may not understand or to think that they may hate me for leaving. But, those could just be thoughts in my head that I need to challenge and deem them as unwanted. I don’t know.

Right now, though, it’s just back to the basics for me. Sleep is not coming easily either. Which makes things just a little more difficult. It takes me forever to fall asleep. And once I do, I’m awake every three hours or so. I’m so frustrated with it. Which means, I’ll end up having another uncomfortable talk with my Doctor next week. Whatever, it’s for the best, I guess.

So, in addition to decluttering my house, I’ve also initiated the process of decluttering my life. If there are any negative people in my life, that drag me down on a regular basis, I realize now that they need to go – no matter how much they mean to me. I can’t sacrifice myself for them anymore. I might even try to talk to them and help them to understand what they do to me. It boils down to if they can’t find a way to be a more positive and helpful influence and/or be encouraging in my life; they need to go. Easier said than done. But, that’s the decision I’ve made. And it’s a good one.

All in all, this journey is a difficult one. But, I’m putting one foot in front of the other and even if I’m only moving a few inches at a time…at least I’m moving. And I’m moving forward instead of backwards.

One more thing, before I forget. Along with the change jar and the decluttering, I’ve started a “positive thoughts jar”. This allows you to sit down when you’re having an up day and jot down a few random positive thoughts or feelings. You can do this every day or just on any day you feel positive. And then when those down days come, because you KNOW that they will, you can open your jar and read your own positive thoughts to remind you that not every day is a bad day. We often forget about the good days when our downward spiral begins. I’m guilty of it for sure. So don’t forget to also declutter yourself of those unwanted, unhelpful and soul eating negative thoughts/feelings.

Thank you for listening to my ranting. Or rather, reading it. Keep your heads held high and know that you are in the driving seat. You’re the one holding the pen when writing your story, not someone else. So, make it a damned good one. I believe that you can. I know that you can. If anything, witness the beginnings of my transformation and revamp. I’m living proof that things can change.

I Got the Powa!

December 28, 2016December 29, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

It’s been a great day full of positivity in Group. I felt good about the lessons we were learning. And it’s funny to me that I’m just now learning these lessons. But, hey they’re important. We even went for a walk around campus today to enhance our senses and build on calming techniques that we’ll probably talk about in a different post.

Let’s start today off with the quote I have written in my journal:
“If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has twenty five more letters”.

I hope that made you smile, as it did me. And I hope that you can find meaning and hope in that, as I did.

Don’t Be Afraid to Lose Control

I giggled at this lesson, as we began to learn to let go of control, or the idea of control. But, in reality – there are so, so many things out of our hands and that we have absolutely no control over whatsoever.

You could define control as the power to influence and/or direct peoples’ behaviors or the course of events. That would be a technical definition of the word. But, isn’t it more than that?

Control is something that you can have OVER people and/or events. It gives you a sense of entitlement and empowerment. It’s something that a lot of us have trouble either gaining or letting go of. My guess is that most of us have more trouble letting go of it.

I can give you the example of house cleaning. You may prefer to do things as I do, clean the room from top to bottom and do the floors last. In my head that’s where all of the dust and dirt lands as I’m cleaning above, so logically I would do it in that order. However, if John cleans the room, he may vacuum and then pick up the area and/or dust. It may not make sense to us. But, just because he did it differently, that doesn’t mean he is wrong. That doesn’t mean that MY way is the ONLY way to do something. And man, it will eat at me, but you know what? I’m going to keep my mouth shut because I am grateful for the help and because I don’t want to end up having to do it myself.

So, now let’s move on to something that I am all too familiar with. They call it “catastrophizing”. In essence, it’s an irrational thought that a lot of us will have where we actually believe something is much worse than it is in reality. I catch myself doing this often. Blowing things out of proportion is like second nature to me, when it comes to negative events or comments in relation to myself. For instance, I will say “Oh my God, the house is such a disaster.” When in reality it’s just a few things that need to be picked up and placed where they belong. But, all I could see was the negative blown way out of proportion. And yes…I’m laughing at myself right this instant. Because this is so me. Catastrophizing though only adds fuel to the fire, which just adds to the anxiety that we already have in our lives. So, this is something I have to work on. This is something that I can improve on and will. Because my sanity depends on it.

You may not know this. I didn’t know this. But, the Serenity Prayer is often used to help people who catastrophize things. And if this is you, and you have that kind of Faith – maybe it would help you, too! Even if you don’t have that kind of Faith, the words make perfect sense and you may still find comfort in them.

That only leaves me with fear. Fear is nothing but an anxious feeling caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience. And get this – the event or experience will most likely NOT EVEN OCCUR. Remember that when you’re afraid. Sure, there are instances where it will be in direct reaction to something…that’s not the kind of fear that I’m talking about though. The kind of fear I’m talking about is something like the fear of change.

And so we’ve come full circle now, when I say – in order to break free from fear, we have to then let go of control.

As I type this out, it sounds so much deeper than it actually is. But, it’s still true. And quite frankly, easy to do once you make the decision to do it. That’s the trick though; you have to want to do it. I don’t know about you, but as soon as that meant some of my anxiety would go away, I was on board with making that decision. I don’t need more anxiety than I already have!

So, here are some ways that I have learned to let go of the control.

Change your mindset. This is going to take practice and time. If you’ve made the decision to change, you’ll be more than willing to make time to practice it. But, this means you will have to stop being a perfectionist and understand that we all make ‘mistakes’. I have learned to become more comfortable with letting things go a bit and allowing someone else to take the wheel for me and drive. It might be uncomfortable at first, but in the end, it sure does take some of the load off.
Work on Yourself. Take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see? I see a hot mess when I look into mine. But, that’s not going to get me anywhere good. So, the idea here is to create a sense of self-worth and to grow your self-esteem. If you have more confidence, you’ll be more certain of your decisions and also put that confidence into others.
Delegate Tasks. Now this isn’t saying that you need to put your entire workload onto the next person. But, it is saying that it is okay for you to ask for help from time to time; or even allow someone to assist you if they’ve offered. Let’s face it, the weight of the world is heavy at times and our to-do lists can get mighty lengthy. If you have children, a spouse or partner…anyone, don’t be afraid to assign them duties or items to check off that to-do list! I have a hard time asking for help. But, I’m learning that swallowing my pride and allowing for the assistance is a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Sometimes, things even get done more quickly than if I would have taken them all on myself!

Let’s not be afraid of change. I know I can’t afford to fear it. I need it in my life…and a lot of it. But, let that change move you in the right direction. It should be a positive direction with your end goal in mind. I’m not afraid anymore. No fear. And I’m certainly no longer afraid of change. I’ve seen the difference the tiniest of changes can make in my life. I’ve finally looked that monster in the eyes and told it I’m the one in charge now!

Irrational Thoughts That Cause Stress

By catastrophizing and thinking irrationally, we only cause ourselves more stress in the end. I’m guilty of being irrational in highly emotional situations. Hell, I’ll even go as far to say I can be irrational when I’m being stubborn. If any of the following thoughts pop up in your head, consider that you may not be thinking clearly:

It is essential to be loved/liked by everyone all of the time.
I can’t stand for anyone to be angry with me or to dislike me.
I must always be competent.
Making a mistake is terrible!
Every problem has a perfect solution.
I can’t change the way I am/think/feel.
I must not show weakness or cry.
Strong people do not ask for help.
Everything is within my control.
Everyone should see things the way that I do.
I am always right.
People should do what I want because they love me.
The world ought to be fair.

In most cases, these are all unrealistic expectations. I know first hand that it was not easy for me to ask for the help that I am now receiving. And I know that it takes a damned strong person to seek help when they need it. Don’t let pride get in your way. Ever. Emotions are nothing to be ashamed of, you are not always right, and mistakes do happen…we are human after all.

By relinquishing some control and thinking more clearly, you and I will both be leading lives that are at the very least, slightly less stressful.

Embrace Your Imperfections

December 28, 2016December 28, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

When hustle is winning the day, you might feel distracted, a lack of inspiration or like you can’t make a decision to save your life.

That’s okay! There are several areas of our lives that can be nurtured and cultivated with the common goal of our happiness in mind.

I, personally, can identify with all of the areas of cultivation. And I also believe them to be all relative. Maybe you’ll see what I mean as I go over each one.

Cultivating Authenticity – letting go of what people think.

Cultivating Self-Compassion – letting go of perfection; loving ourselves

Cultivating a Resilient Spirit – letting go of numbing and powerlessness; isolation; facing fears.

Cultivating Gratitude and Joy – letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark.

Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith – letting go of the need for certainty.

Cultivating Creativity – letting go of comparison.

Cultivating Play and Rest – letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self worth; clinging to your job; forgetting what you enjoy.

Cultivating Calm and Stillness – letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle.

Cultivating Meaningful Work – letting go of self doubt and “supposed to”.

Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance – letting go of being “cool” and always in control.

I’m sure that you can spot the common theme of “letting go”. But as I said previously, I believe they are all relative.

I specifically relate the most to authenticity, intuition and trusting faith and creativity. Those all seem to be weak points for me.

I’ve always cared about what people thought of me. Maybe it stems from my low self-esteem, in the need to seek approval. Not just that, but I think I’m a “mind reader” of sorts in always thinking that some people have negative opinions of me, regardless as to whether or not they have reason. The amount of energy consumed by these thoughts alone is very exhausting.

In letting go of the need for certainty, my goal is to try and remember that not everything needs to be set in stone. The only thing I need to be certain of, is who I am and who I want to be. At this point, I’m hoping the rest just kind of falls into place. I need to believe it will.

When I think of Cultivating Creativity, I automatically think about art. Something different and unique. But in this instance, it’s letting go of comparison. I can’t measure my happiness by someone else’s standards or ideas of what happiness should be. I also can’t worry about keeping up with the Jones family. Our values may be completely different and we might find happiness in different things. It’s not fair to myself to hold myself to someone else’s standards of what “good enough” might look like.

Like I said, I can relate to all of them in some form. But those three stand out to me the most.

I was told they are called the ten guide posts for wholehearted living.

As I work on me, as a whole, I may come back to these individually as blog topics. But there are too many other things to talk about right now.

It seems they hit me with something new every day.

For now I’ll leave you with a quote: “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. ” – Brene Brown

Anger: Let’s Be Real

December 27, 2016December 27, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

When I started this blog, I wanted this to be something real and raw. Something that someone could read and relate to. I wanted this to be my journey to a better life. And, sure I’ve gone through some of the steps that I’ve been learning as of late. I’ve methodically planned out posts through subjects that I learn in Day Hospital “Group Sessions”.

What I haven’t done is said how I’ve felt along the way. Oops…that one kind of got away from me.

Let’s start at the beginning. Most people from meeting me in my daily life wouldn’t expect me to be where I am today. If you would have told me I’d be here fifteen years ago, I probably would have laughed at you. It’s of my belief, that everyone saw me as the ‘nice girl’. That girl who is so sweet and works really hard. They wouldn’t be wrong. Not by any means. The problem is that in life, as I previously blogged…nice guys finish last. And as you know by now, there are reasons for that.

It’s okay for people to see me as that nice person. Because generally, that’s who I am.

In hindsight, I have been very selective with the people that I have really let into my life. I have so many issues that run deeper than you can imagine through me. For one, I fear that everyone that becomes important to me in my life, will leave. It’s true. I can remember, since I was just a young girl, people leaving my life that I cared for in one way or another. Whether it be classmates that I lost during a move, people coming and going in life, or well…they died. My parents divorced when I was around five, my sisters and I were separated when I was around twelve and my Dad left again when I was right around fifteen. My so-called best friend of years and years left, so did the one after that…and the one after that. These things are all common things, but collectively they have ultimately led me to a fear of abandonment. These were all gigantic, influential moments in my life. Traumatic and scarring, even.

There were other things that happened in life along the way that did major damage to my self-esteem and my ability to cope with life itself. And I’ve fought all of the demons for years and years. I’ve crossed bridges, oceans, climbed mountains, jumped hurdles and even leaped through hoops to overcome. And I did a damn good job of forgiving. I would like to say the forgetting, too, but somehow things always manage to stick with me – I just try not to let them get to me.

Which leads me to the present. Where I have worn this mask for far too long.

I’ve been so strong for myself and everyone else around me. I go out of my way to be kind, even if I don’t feel like being nice. I am always willing to give, without taking more than my fair share. And have always been willing to help others without solicitation and without asking for anything in return. My problems were my own and I did my best not to burden those around me with them. That’s just who I am.

But I can’t wear the mask anymore.

Before things got this bad. Before I ended up at the Mental Hospital, I would try to reach out to people via social media (because hey – if it’s not on facebook, it must not be real, right?!). I would try to tell family that I was having issues here and there, but nothing major. I tried to occupy my time with things that would tear my mind away from the negativity and the storm that was brewing inside of me.

This is where things get sticky…

I’ve been in the Hospital now for over a week, with no site or sound of a possible release date. I’ve reached out to my family and loved ones yet again. I have virtually NO SUPPORT from anyone coming in. I’m so full of anger and resentment that it’s nearly blinded me. You have no idea how much this hurts or how bad it digs at me.

I have been by my family’s side in a heart beat, every single time they needed me. I have supported them in hardships, loved them when times were hard and did the same when things were easy. I’ve sent money, offered advice, whatever they needed. I’ve respected that they may not believe in mental health issues or the medications and/or Doctors that are behind it. And never have I asked for anything in return other than unconditional love and support. Is that really too much?!

I have one or two out of my one hundred fifty facebook friends that will talk to me or send me uplifting messages from time to time. But, there is no sight or sound coming from anyone else.

I keep telling myself that maybe they don’t know I need the support right now. But, I have told them I did. So, I tell myself maybe they don’t know how to show support. But, how could they not?

Today, I showed up at the Hospital, tears in my eyes, wrapped up in a blanket that I brought with me from home. It was something warm and comfortable. And then, as I scribbled on my morning check-in sheet, I had to recall the painful events of the weekend and how it transpired.

The Holidays are rough on me. I live across the country from my Family. And man, do I miss them. The anxiety set in and then I realized that I told them a week ago that I had checked into the Hospital…and that ever since I told them, not one of them has checked on me. I got the casual “Merry Christmas” message from my mother and one of my sisters. I just responded back “yeah. you too.” When I told them I had been hospitalized, I told them how hard it was for me to admit that I needed that help and how emotionally and mentally hard on me the whole situation was. And that I would appreciate all of the support that I could get. I haven’t seen any.

So yesterday, the anxiety became too much. It’s all a little blurry now. But, that ball inside of me reappeared. This empty, tight ball in my chest that I can never explain – but that puts so much pressure on me to do something – anything. So, I cut my wrist again. I let myself down. And as I rehashed the events to my Nurse, tears ran down my face. I explained to her how I wasn’t only angry with my family and that I didn’t just feel alone-but, that I had also let myself down. Today, no wise words pursed her lips, as usual. I had set myself back in my progress. I knew it and she knew it. She simply told me to refer to our teachings and that this was my slip up because I’m only human.

So, here I am. Very angry. Very bitter. I wish there was some switch that I could flip that would turn my expectations off, where it comes to people that I care about. This way, I would never be disappointed. But, it never fails. They will break my heart, every single time.

And how can I miss the people that hurt me so much? How can I allow them to live rent-free in my heart and head? To have any influence over me or my emotions? I’m so confused.

I feel so alone. I have some solace in group, where there are people that like me despite all of my open and honest flaws. But, that’s the only relief that I get. I dread when I get released ‘back into the world’ where I’ll be left with no one to understand how I feel again. I can only hope that the information that I’m posting here in my blogs sinks in and that I’m reinforcing it within my mind, body and soul every time I read and type. Because this was my last stop. This is where I was supposed to be “fixed”. And I know it doesn’t happen overnight. And that there is no magic pill that I can take to make everything alright. But, damn…

There was a seven year old girl killed on Christmas Day in an ATV accident. She was wearing her helmet. It’s sad when I question why she was taken with so much life ahead of her..when I could have been taken instead. She was just a kid and loving life.

And here I am, and I can’t find my way out of the darkness…I need to find my way out of the darkness.

And I will. I’m determined. Even if I have to light my own damned path.

How’s that for raw and real???

Just Say “No”.

December 26, 2016December 26, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

Let’s take a moment to talk about boundaries. I don’t know about you, but this subject is definitely one of my weaker areas. I often get manipulated and ran over because I don’t know how to set personal boundaries for myself. It’s the sad truth. People can and will take advantage of you, if you have no consistent boundaries placed. This also allows for the wrong kinds of people to enter your life.

During this lesson, I had to take a hard look at myself. Because I have a hard time saying “no” to people for one reason or another. I also have zero self-esteem and that’s because I’ve let others define who I am for far too long. I’ve made the decision, and I hope that you will make it with me, that now is the time to start putting my foot down. Now is the time to change. Because if I don’t make this change…it may end up costing me big in the end.

The main purpose for setting new boundaries is for protection. And by protection, I mean of your time, space, emotions, values, energy and anything else that is important to you. We have learned that others will try to punish us for having boundaries in place, which creates fear and holds us hostage to our emotions. But, we shouldn’t be so concerned with someone else’s thoughts and feelings that we end up being controlled by them.

Learn your limits. Set them in stone. Don’t compromise yourself for the sake of anyone else. I keep repeating this over and over to myself as I try to become a stronger person. If I have time, I’ll get to it. If I don’t have time, the world isn’t going to stop turning just because I wasn’t able to. That’s how I have to look at things right now.

And rather than wasting your time and my energy. If you’re interested in boundary setting-what it is and why it’s important-please view the two sheets I have linked below. I strongly encourage that you look into it and to participate in the boundary setting exercises. I have to learn to say “no”…and that saying “no” is just fine…

boundaries

keepinghealthyboundarieshandout

If you think you have good boundaries in place, don’t worry…I did, also. But, after further investigation I found that I’ve only been hurting myself in the long run. I was inconsistent and a pushover. Both are negatives in terms of boundaries. I had set unhealthy limits. If you skipped over the part above, where the worksheets were available to you, please don’t skip over this. Below are signs that you have unhealthy boundaries in your life and that they need to be changed.

Personally, I think I’ve fallen victim to at least one from each of the groups in the above photo. It’s not that I did it on purpose, I didn’t even realize it until I was reading the list in group. If you find that you fit into any of the above categories, please scroll back up and work on setting new boundaries for yourself. You’re the only person that can do anything about it.

If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me. I’m always willing to hear what others have to say. I’m also open to giving perspective and/or advice on the matter. But, I will not make any decisions for you. You have to be accountable for that.

I hope that you got something out of this, as I did. Remember, you’re no good to anyone else if you don’t put you and your own needs first.

The Cycle of Depression

December 25, 2016December 25, 2016 Photography by JamieLeave a comment

I’ll start off today, by telling you that I’m not in the most positive of moods. Holidays are always hard on me for some reason. I’m not really sure how to pull myself out, but I’m hoping if I can put energy into something positive, I won’t be feeding my own negativity. I painted earlier…now I’m going to try writing as an outlet.

In my recovery, I have many decisions to make when I’m ready to ‘go back into the world’. I have a fear of what people will think of me and how they will judge me. But, the nurse told me to remember “they can only tarnish your reputation, they can not touch your character”. And that’s something that I thought I should share, for anyone going through some of the same things that I am. It doesn’t make it any easier to face them, but it is nice to realize that there is that part of you that no one can touch. She also told me to make decisions based on all of the information at hand. And if later information was gained, then to make a new decision based upon the new information in addition to what I already knew.

But that’s all neither here nor there…getting back on track…
The Vicious Cycle

Stressors/Triggers -> Physical ->Behaviors->Thoughts & Feelings

Stressors-this is anything that adds to stress/anxiety in your life. They also may be referred to as “triggers”. (ie. medical issues, family issues, financial problems, etc)
Physical-the physical effects of the stressor (loss of sleep, lethargy, appetite change, etc)
Behavior-life changes in behavior (isolation, less active, loss of interest, etc)
Thoughts & Feelings-How everything begins to make you think and feel differently (hopelessness, loneliness, negativity, sadness, etc)

For me, I’m not exactly sure where my stressors actually came from, but I believe them to be an accumulation over time. I am a ‘worrier’ by nature and am in a constant state of disarray. I worry about money, if I’ll always be depressed, how I affect different people in my life and often hold on to the past. This, with a long line of worries that stem from work and family matters escalated into physical issues. It is very important to be able to identify your own triggers ahead of time, so that you know what to expect when presented with those scenarios. Remember, avoidance is not always the answer.

My physical symptoms came to me in the form of not being able to sleep at night. Some nights, I would just lay there, waiting for the alarm to go off to start the next day. I also experienced a decrease in my energy level and often found myself not feeling well at all. It’s crazy what your mind can do to you. But, it was definitely taking it’s toll.

I guess somewhere between my physical and behavioral changes, I started medications…which now with the PHP program have changed AGAIN. But, it really needs to be something that works for you. And some medications do have side effects to keep in mind. In this case, I am tired feeling a lot of the time…but I have to weigh the pros and cons. And for me to have to maybe take a nap, is much better than the feeling of my throat closing and the panic attacks that I would experience on a daily basis. Panic attacks are scary and you feel like you have no control over the sensations that your body goes through at that time.

When it comes to behavioral changes, I get a little cloudy. I try to think about how my behaviors may have changed over time, but for me I think it was a gradual thing. Because although I sought out help prior to entering the PHP program, the therapy and meds just weren’t really working…because I wasn’t doing my part. I think that I isolated myself off from people (but, I never really had that many people around anyways). I stopped communicating as much about how I was feeling and I lost interest in the activities that I used to very much enjoy. Now that I think about it, I stopped crafting, I stopped talking, I stopped making any effort towards wellness.

That leads me to the next topic of Thoughts & Feelings. I became very hopeless. There was nothing in this world that could make me feel as though I could ever be better than I am/was. I’m still struggling with this today, if you can’t tell. When I entered the PHP program, I could sit in the middle of the room anywhere and be surrounded by people – but I would feel so alone and lonely. Like I couldn’t relate to anyone. Like it didn’t matter anyways, regardless if I had anything to contribute or not. So, why bother? You know? And the negativity never ends with me. I’m not good enough…I can’t do enough…I can’t pull myself out of this rut and I really do not want to get out of this bed.

This is my cycle. And in group the other day, we started to learn how to break the cycle. But, as you can tell from the above…I haven’t QUITE made it there yet. I’m fighting it with my entire being. But, I just can’t kick the bad habits over night. And that’s okay. It’s important that I be patient and easy on myself about it, because the changes WILL come. They just won’t come quickly. And that may vary for someone else…but, we don’t always move at the same speed.

So, maybe you’re wondering how people like me start to break the cycle….

Breaking the Cycle

There is no easy quick-fix for breaking the cycle of depression that I’ve found. And if you have something that works for you, that’s great. For me, it’s going to be a process. But, I’m taking the baby steps that I need to in order to get there.

Below are some things that I am trying to practice and look at in my own recovery. They may be helpful for you, too. But, believe me when I say this is all going to take some serious commitment.

Establishing a Routine
Structure and Consistency are very important in recovery from depression. You need to feel like you’re doing something and getting something done. The completion or achievement gives you a self-confidence boost. And by creating that structure in your life, you are also learning to make time for YOURSELF. This means more relaxation and downtime can be worked into your daily routine. The balance that this brings to your life is very important.

I could not agree more with the routine establishment. I make sure that I have small goals that I want to achieve each day right now. And accomplishing those goals is up to me. If I complete them quickly, I have more time for myself and for relaxation. If I choose to do them slowly, well then that’s on me. But, I find a sense of purpose and meaning in accomplishing each task that I had designated to myself. It’s just a little boost of self-esteem, no matter how small it may be -it’s still in the right direction.

Social Support

If you’re like me, you may not have many people that you open up to about certain things. But, you probably at least have one person in your life that you don’t mind venting the small things to. That’s what this is. It’s important to be able to vent out small frustrations so that they don’t become larger, unhappier feelings. The best thing about venting to others or talking things through with whomever you choose, is that person provides you with a new perspective on things. So, where you might find darkness and frustration, that person may be able to shine a little light on it for you. Often times, things aren’t as bad as we make them out to be. But, it takes confirmation from another person for us to realize that we could be looking at the situation from a much different angle.

Like I said, I don’t have many people that I open up to. But, even talking to someone online or a phone call to your one friend may make the difference you need in that moment.

Professional Support Network

This is where your therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, pastor or what have you come in to play. These are people that provide you with professional support. They are people that you count on for a professional opinion. They have to be there for you when you need them…it’s their job after all. And the best thing is that Confidentiality Agreement. You know you can open up and tell this person anything..and there’s nothing that they can say or do about it. Talk to them about your needs and concerns and do not be afraid to ask them for advice.

I have a psychiatrist and psychologist, personally. While the psychologist helps me to meet my mental needs, such as venting and providing perspective; my psychiatrist provides me with physical support such as medications. My psychiatrist is actually the person who got me into reading up on Mindfulness and Acceptance as a form of therapy. I’ve really enjoyed it and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. My psychologist is the person I credit for helping me put it into practice. She’s just terrific.

Expecting the Slip Ups and Down Days

This is important and you should say it with me…you need to expect down days, because down days are going to come. I mean, there is no other way to look at it. You can’t have good days without bad days, too. It’s how we react to those bad days and what we do with them that matters and makes or breaks us at the time. Do not believe on these days that you are back to “square one”. You aren’t.

I’m guilty of being rather hard on myself when they roll around. You already know that I had a habit of cutting myself and becoming violently angry with myself when they rolled around. But, I’m working on remembering that I’ve survived every worst day of my life this far…and I’m going to continue to survive every worst day that comes my way. It’s really important that I not be too hard on myself when I do slip up, because like a toddler learning to walk – I will have to fall fifty times before I can even take that first step.

Random Notes and Thoughts Today

“Let me let go of what I am, so that I can become what I may be.”
“Don’t insist on always being right. Your way, is not the ONLY way.”
“You are a Student in Life-you are always learning.”

The 4 Main Areas of Life to Look at in Order to Stay Healthy

Physical
Mental
Social
Spiritual

The following tools are my own. They are what I use to record and track my moods. There are also tools that I use to ensure my own happiness and well-being. The reason that I use the tools below are to track patterns that I can use to bring to my health professional when I meet with them, to determine our next course of action.

the-wholly-healing-experience-daily-self-care-worksheet

a-healthy-me

mood-tracker

Daylio