Tag: self-care

Nice Guys Finish Last…

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I’m sure you’ve always heard the phrase “Kill them with kindness.”  But, while being kind is always a good thing, too much kindness can turn into something very bad.

In my PHP group, we had a lesson on learning to be assertive and the importance of it.  It not only creates boundaries for yourself, but also teaches others that you’re not the pushover they believe you to be.

I’m not going to lie.  This one I am going to struggle with.  I have been known in the past to be assertive, but somewhere along the way I became one of “the nice guys”.  You know the one – the person who is always picking up slack, overachieving, doing for others, giving and never taking – the person that NEVER says a simple “no”.

I have never liked confrontation and I have been known to avoid it like the plague, itself.  It’s hard on me and I always feel like if I’m confronted, that I have to be the “yes person” or as if I have to cower from the other person/people involved.  Somewhere along the line, I developed this fear.  And I haven’t been able to shake it.

Here you will find a Conflict Management Styles Quiz.  I encourage you to take it and find out who you are in terms of conflict and confrontation. When I took it, I surprisingly came out as the Harmonizer.  Which means that I’m a peacemaker, but that I often get taken advantage of.  It was true.  That describes me to perfection.  How did you do?

If being assertive is not your style, like with me.  Do you know what your style is?  Maybe you’re one of the following:

  • The Nice Person – who is afraid to say anything or do anything that might offend anyone, especially your peers, because they will call you other names other than “nice”.
  • The Whiner-who constantly whines and complains about
    • the services you need and are not receiving
    • how others treat you when you ask for services
    • how professionals treat you when you try to discuss your progress (or lack there of)
    • how bad everything is-but does nothing about it
  • The Clinging Vine-who clings to others and expects them to stick up for your rights and intervene on your behalf
  • The Silent Victim-who has resigned themselves to lack of needed services because “there’s nothing i can do about it”
  • The Fairy Princess-who expects everything to happen, and every service to bne delivered without any effort on your part
  • The Waiter-who waits for a miracle to happen, for something someone promised, who waits and waits and waits for someone else to do something
  • The Bombshell-who fires angry missiles sporadically, instead of calmly and methodically building a good case for what you need
  • The Scaredy Cat-afraid that “if I make trouble, they’ll get back at me”
  • Appeaser-who compromises your own needs because “if I ask for too much, they won’t give me anything”
  • The Sellout/Self-Advocate-who makes deals with those in charge to get services for themselves and pressures others not to ‘rock the boat’

I don’t know where you stand.  Only you can answer that for sure.  But, I am somewhere between “the nice person” and “the silent victim”.  It really depends on the situation and my mood.  If I’m pushed too far, I could randomly and thoughtlessly turn into “the bombshell” due to a mood.  That often happens if I feel as though I’m under attack.

I also fear damaging relationships with others, along with being disliked.  Who wants to feel disliked?  Especially at work or some place where you spend excessive amounts of time.

Wouldn’t it feel good to call somebody out just once?  Wouldn’t it be nice to say “no” for a change?  Think of how empowering a tiny gesture could feel for just one moment.  When I was asked to think about it, it made me feel great.

This where I am going to show you that there is a way to request a behavior change.  I still have a hard time with it because it’s still new to me.  But, when I looked at that sheet, I think I felt a bit of a smile cross my face.  I guess that it is possible to be nice/tactful while asking someone else politely to change their behavior.  Who knew?

It requires a lot of change on my part, which is just one more thing to add to the list of things I am fearful of.  Because I hate uncertainty.  There’s actually a lot about change that I do not like.  But, I’m learning that it isn’t always a bad thing either.  This one is going to take a while to sink in, but in group they do their best to inspire us to be open to the ideas they present.  For me, I like quotes…quotes that make me think and keep me moving in a positive direction.  So, when they handed me this worksheet, I was all too excited to find something that I related to.

Can you guess the quote that I chose?  I chose the quote by Maria Robinson that says ” Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending”.  And I honestly think that’s true.  I can’t change where I have come from, or where I have been…but, I can use those experiences now to change the direction I am headed in.  Since this group let out, that has been my plan.

If you have a favorite quote from the list that you can relate to, please feel free to share it with me.  I know change is hard and it’s not going to come easy for me either.  I’m going to have to work for it.  And being assertive is one of the best things that I can do for myself to start anew and to make sure that I’m being treated in a way that I deserve-by myself and by others.

 

Goal Setting, For Dummies Like Me…

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So, as you know by now, I was admitted into a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) at the local mental health facility.

I would describe my first day as being anxiety ridden and fearful.  I didn’t know what to expect and thought I was going to get nothing but static as I walked into the room.  They had computer issues that morning and were already late getting me over there, so everyone was there already when I arrived.

The day hospital is where my PHP takes place each day.  It’s nice because it’s in this little house away from the actual impatient hospital.  There are several offices inside, a full kitchenette, two bathrooms, a “Family Room” where our group sessions take place…and even a patio where we can step out for fresh air if need be.

As I walked through the door, I was asked to sign in on a sheet of paper that would log my time there in the facility.  I was then given a tour of the house.  And when I was told to find a place in the “Family Room”, I did so very slowly and hesitantly.  People were looking at me.  People of various ages, backgrounds and with different issues than mine (as far as I knew).  I was very quiet and kept to myself and felt like curling into a ball in my spot at the table.  Here and there, people would make small gestures of kindness…such as introducing themselves to me…but that uneasy feeling just didn’t want to leave me alone.

The first thing that happened was that I had to see my Nurse to have my vitals checked.  I have never met such a kind, inspiring person.  This Nurse is wonderful.  And I’m sure I’ll get more into her as my story develops.

That day, I was pulled in and out of the group room so many times….to see the doctor, to see the case worker, to talk to this/that person.  It was so chaotic.  I felt like I was missing out on every opportunity there was for me to gain anything from my situation.  But, there was one session that day I was able to take in completely.  And that happened to be the Nurse’s group on goal setting.

Here are the Guidelines for Goal Setting, as given by the Nurse.  The goals also had to be SMART.  If you’re anything like me, you’re completely thrown off when put in this position.  I had no idea what my goals should be be.  I was lost when she was going over the details of it all.  And to be honest, I felt quite overwhelmed.

Before I share with you what my personal goals were that day, I’ll give you a few notes that I took down in my journal as I listened to the Nurse speak.

  • Goals should ALWAYS be positive
  • one member of the group said this that resonated with me, “Goals make you live life intentionally.”
  • Life is like the Sea, without a compass we will drift and fall into chaos.  Goals create that compass for our life, providing us with direction to keep us from drifting.
  • Goals are NEVER to depend on anyone else.  And if someone else is involved in your goal, you MUST acquire their permission as the goal itself.
  • Your goal should be something that you REALLY want and should always be positive.
  • “Don’t ever put your hat where you can not reach it.”
  • Don’t expect to build a house in one day, first you must lay the foundation (small goals), then you can start adding bricks, and eventually you will have a house (a larger goal).
  • It is okay to be flexible with your goals, as long as you replace one goal with something positive that continues to work towards your larger goal.
  • In everything you do, think about what the benefit is.  If it comes back no good, empty or blank — let it go, it’s not for you.

Since this was the only part of the group’s day that I was part of, I participated.  I know that my overall goal is to find happiness again and to lead a more meaningful and happier life.  I want to find my light again.  But, to think of minimal goals for the weekend was tough for me.  So I sat there with my pen and paper and made the goals to: clip my dog’s toe nails, read two chapters of my book, to complete a worksheet I had been given earlier that day and to not bring harm to myself (self-harm/cutting).

As I was listening to everyone else’s goals for the weekend, I realized how small mine were and how simple they seemed to be accomplished.  When I said something about it, muttering to myself how silly they sounded, the Nurse spoke up.  She said it takes baby steps to achieve the bigger steps…and that if those things needed to be done, they were still good goals to have.

Over the course of the weekend, I referred to my sheet.  And as each goal (no matter how small it may have been) was checked off, I felt a sense of accomplishment and like I had done something to be proud of.  It sounds silly, but I encourage you to try it..and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

I don’t have a copy of the worksheet that I was given available to me, but you can create your own.  Simply say that you will _____________________________________ using the SMART acronym provided to you.  And as you achieve each goal, mark how you feel.  It should be quite the rewarding experience!

The Mind Trap

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I previously blogged about the myths surrounding me and my anxiety disorder.  If you missed it, you should definitely read it and I would encourage you to keep reading my blogs in the order in which I have them written.  The reason for this, is because this is my journey…these are things that I am learning for myself – and if you can relate to me at all, they may be things that you would also like to think about and/or experience.

When thinking of a mind trap, I think of falling into the belief that something has to be true because that’s the way it is and the way it always has been.  And I suppose that’s somewhat true.  Buying into falsehoods or myths definitely aren’t going to get me where I am hoping to end up.

So, while reading my book, I’ve learned of several ways that I can fall into this mind trap.

  1. Fusing thoughts, images, places, memories…meaning, I can associate certain thoughts “as if” they are the same thing as the event or circumstance that they describe.  When you think of fusion, it may be something that’s hard to understand.  For me to completely understand I had to do an exercise where I would take an experience and then list the first five things that come to mind.  Since humans have such judgmental minds, I allow those five individual thoughts to become the very experience that I described.  This gives the thought more importance in my brain that it truly deserves…and if that thought is negative, the impact it has on me is tremendously detrimental.
  2. Evaluating Experiences…by associating an experience with a thought or feeling and tagging it with a judgment .  I need to learn to take an experience and accept it for what it is – an experience.  Whether it’s bad or good, it’s still only an experience.  I tend to buy into and feed my negative judgments.  Often, this causes me more pain and increases my suffering.  It would be better in the long run if I let go of the judgments and left the experiences as unedited entities that have occurred.  Overthinking has always been a downfall of mine, though…and this one is going to be a tough habit to break.  My desire is to feed a more compassionate heart and to forgo feeding the Painful Wolf.
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  3. Avoiding Experiences…only provide me with temporary relief from the bad thoughts and feelings that I may associate with them.  That’s probably why I have done it for so long and continue to do it to this day.  This allows me to buy into the idea that my worries and anxieties are “bad”.  But, is that necessarily true?  I have a hard time believing it’s not.  But what I’ve been learning is that it’s only through experience that we learn who we do and do not want to become, or how we do or do not want to live.  I need these experiences to move towards the life that I so desperately want to live.  And through the negative experiences, I know what choices I want to make.  I was asked to read the story of the Emperor Moth in order to better understand the idea.

Am I ready to recognize the mind traps that have been baited and set before me?  I’m not sure.  I have acknowledged them, but it will probably take some time before I’m able to recognize them for what they are.  I know that I don’t want to stay stuck and feed into the struggle and negativity that I’ve been letting run my life for so long.

The following are the recommended exercises that I’ve been asked to learn in order to better observe my experiences.

  1. Mind Watching-“Imagine your mind is a medium-sized room with two doors.  Thoughts come in through the front door and leave out the back door.  First, watch each thought as it enters.  Keep watching to see what it is going to do next.  Don’t do anything with it.  Your only task here is simply to watch that thought.  Don’t engage it or argue with it.  Don’t analyze it.  It’s just a brief visitor to the room.  And when it’s ready to leave, let it go out the back door and do not try to hold on to it.  If you find that you’re judging yourself for having the thought, that’s fine.  Acknowledge that, but don’t bother to argue with yourself.  The key is to keep watching and noticing, but to not become emotionally invested into the thoughts and/or beliefs. Continue this until you feel an emotional distance from your thoughts-to where they are just a moment in the room and nothing more-no longer important and no longer requiring action.”  This has become one of my favorite forms of meditation and mind exercising.
  2. Mindful Walking-“When you walk you will notice that you do not have to think much about what your legs and body are doing.  They are seemingly on auto-pilot.  The goal here is to bring awareness to the experience.  So, as you walk, focus on your breathing and walk naturally as you bring your awareness to the rhythm of your steps and how your body feels as it moves.  If thoughts come, notice them and let them go, as you bring your attention back to just walking.  Feel your feet on the ground, your hips moving with each stride.  Note the sensations.  You should notice that you’re moving with your thoughts and feelings in tow, all going forward.  Silently repeat a mantra such as: I am whole, I am complete, I am in flow.  And when you’re finished walking, allow yourself a little bit of time to reflect upon your experience.”  This is something that I haven’t had much experience with, as I usually have some sort of company while walking.  But, this exercise would be great for someone who enjoys their own space or quiet time.
  3. Riding Out the Storm

This is where I think it will become difficult for me.  It’s sometimes difficult to notice when I’m caught up in the trap.  And sometimes I feed the wrong wolves.  But, the costs are high for me this time and this is an important step for me to take in order to get out of the anxiety/depression traps and back into my life.

Myths are a waste of time. They prevent Progression.

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It’s Christmas Eve and I’d like to wish anyone who reads my entries a Happy Holiday…just as a side note.

Pre-Blog Exercise:  If you choose to do this exercise with me, don’t think of the Pink Elephant in the room.

I’ve been learning about mental illnesses and the different types of worries, anxieties and fears that people experience.  Though, they are not exactly the same; they have so much in common.  There’s some comfort found in being able to label your suffering.  But, do you really want to be known for or as the label of your problem for the rest of your life?  I know that I don’t.

So many things have been pounded into our heads about our disorders by the Media, Doctors, even our peers.  You may have heard that anxiety is a disease like that of Cancer.  Or you may have heard that it is hereditary.  Some people even believe that herbal remedies and diet changes can even alter your disorder.  There are so many things that we are told that it almost becomes something more in itself…a whole new level of anxiety, for dealing with our anxiety.  How is that helpful? It isn’t.

Anxiety is Hereditary

Think about this one for a moment.  Go ahead…

You may notice that your mother or siblings all struggle with some sort of anxiety problem.  “It runs in my family” has probably popped into your head once or twice.  And though on the outside, it appears to be true, this is in fact false.

If you say “it runs in my family”, take a minute to think about that statement.  If your mother suffers from it and your siblings suffer from it, could it not also be true that from watching your mother’s behavior you have learned to react to certain situations in specific ways?  It might even be that you have inherited the predisposition of anxious behavior, just like you inherit a predisposition to be athletic, extroverted or a fast learner.  But, that isn’t the same thing as inheriting a disorder.  Remember what you can and can’t control.  And you can control your actions/reactions when you are feeling anxious.

Intense Anxiety is Not Normal

If you have an anxiety disorder, like I do, you know that at times it can be extremely intense.  The fact that I couldn’t deal with it on my own, is part of the reason why I am seeking help for it now.

But does that mean that intense anxiety isn’t normal?  No.

Think of moments of fear, like on a rollercoaster.  Or maybe you have been through a natural disaster (such as a tornado).  The feelings you get are very intense at the time, but they are temporary for most.  In fact, they’re quite normal.  The feelings that you have in those moments are not stopping you from leading the life you want to live.  The problem comes when you don’t know how to take those thoughts and feelings with you and they interfere and become barriers to the life we want to lead.

Anxiety Makes You Weak

All human beings have suffering.  Without suffering, there is no compassion.  It’s built into us.  It’s part of who we are.

I know that it can be hard to understand and believe at times.  Hell, I view myself as broken, faulted and as if I have a personality defect.  You might be laughing, but it’s been pounded into my head by everyone around me that there is something wrong with me.  It’s the great illusion fueled by your own mind on what “perfect” must look like.  The other thing that will always be an issue is the idea that we must compare ourselves to others.  This happens to me when I see people out and about, doing happy things and living so-called happy lives.  I become envious of what they must have that they appear to be so happy.  It makes me feel as though I’m missing something that they must have.

These things don’t make me weak, though.  They simply make me human.

To Live Happy, You Have To Be Happy

“In order to live better, I must first think and feel better.  And once I start thinking and feeling better, my life will improve for the better.”  Heed the warning, this is nothing more than a trap!

This has been a trap that has caught me so many times that it’s not funny anymore.  Not that it was even laughable to begin with.  But, it’s common.  And in lame man’s terms, it’s says that your pain is so “bad” that you shouldn’t think about it or deal with it…it should be pushed down and avoided.  Do you know how exhausting it is to push down this enormous amount of pain and to hold it down, just to look like you are happy?  I found that it’s a temporary relief from what I might have been feeling, but that band aid isn’t going to hold!

The idea that you can rid yourself of pain may also leave you using objects or people as a crutch.  I’m like this with certain people.  They are my “safe people”.  Meaning, as long as they are around, I might feel a little more at ease and a bit more relaxed.  But, at the same time, I’m waiting for the ball to drop!

I will say this – it may all feel good in the moment, to feel as though you have managed or avoided your anxiety, but that’s a short-term feeling.  And if you look further at it, you’ll find out that there are boundaries that come with it, limiting you as to what you can do.  First hand, I’ve spent so much time trying to manage and control my anxiety, that it’s taken away from the things that I care about in my life.  In turn, causing me more anxiety and at times even shutting me completely down.

The Hard Truth

The hard truth is that I’m not going to find a cure for my anxiety in a pill, person, place or thing.  My mind is going to try to tell me otherwise, I know.  And those times are going to be difficult to deal with – but, hey this is what I signed up for by taking the path to self-discovery.  Experience tells me that these temporary fixes are just that…temporary.

The myths are all very limiting and set boundaries on what my happy life could be.  They become obstacles in my path of finding that happiness that I so long for; a barrier between me and the life I want to live.

I have let worry, anxiety and depression rule my life for far too long.  I am more than a PTSD diagnosis and so is my life.  It’s time I let go of the lies I’ve always known and come to believe that there is a way I can carry the “pain” with me, while living the life I’ve always wanted to live.

If you’re going on this journey with me, maybe we can figure all of this out together…

Wanna Go For a Ride??

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So, as I was saying in my introduction, this blog is mainly going to be a guide or reference for my journey through recovery.  And when I say recovery, I’m not talking about drug abuse or alcoholism.  I am talking about my path back to happiness and finding the light in my life once more.

Let me just say that it hasn’t been easy acknowledging the fact that I need help.  It’s been hard to ask for directly.  But, it was time.  Something had to give, or I don’t know what might have happened to me.  I would go so far as to say that I may even be dead right now.

I was having violent fits of rage, cutting myself, crying spells…the whole nine yards.  And I wasn’t getting any better over time despite my medications and doctors.  My pleas for help from peers were going unanswered and I could no longer carry the weight that was upon my shoulders alone.  I had lost Faith in everything, inclusive of the world and humanity -even Spiritually.  And even worse, I felt like I hated everything about myself and my life.

It wasn’t until my last fit of rage, where I cut my wrist, that I committed to going into the mental facility for a pscyh evaluation.  Not only did I commit to the evaluation, but I also committed to following through with whatever they recommended.  I had gone before, but couldn’t be bothered to follow up due to things like Holidays and work.  This time was different.  This time, I had to make the choice — the hard decision to actually put myself first, for what felt like the first time in my life.

This will be a crazy ride for both you and I…but, we can do it together.  Through Mindfulness, Acceptance and Intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy we may discover things that we never even knew existed about ourselves.  We may travel through dark and winding paths where there may glimmers of hope that await us.  I don’t know about you, but I’m maintaining a positive attitude because my life and happiness depend on it.

Come with me on this journey.  Let’s go for a ride together.