To get something new,  I must do something new…

I’m going to start this post out with a quote.

“If I continue to do what I’ve always done,  I’m going to get what I always got.” – unknown

I didn’t choose this path in life.   I didn’t choose to be anxious or fearful.   These two things pull me into the darkest places I’ve ever seen; I would never choose to live this way.   And now I’m learning that I do,  in fact,  have choices.   There is the tiniest bit of light at the end of my long and dark tunnel.   That light is where I’m wanting to find hope again. 

This is going to take some serious commitment,  but I have to do something.   So,  it’s time to ACT (accept-choose-take action)!

ACT

I’ve been told that the first step to anything is admitting that something exists.   In this case, it will be my anxiety and depression issues.  It’s a big deal for me to accept these issues as things that are a part of me as a being.   But,  they are.   And by accepting that,  I theoretically should be able to come to terms with my unwanted thoughts and/or feelings. 

The next step I’m learning is to choose a direction for my life to head in.   It’s where your focus lies.   I’ve found that no one can answer this question for you…you’re going to have to think of it yourself.   The decision process will need to include your personal values and what things in life are important to you.  You may even have to reevaluate what’s important to you from time to time – but you know what?  That’s just fine!  

The last step is to finally take action.   It’s here where you have to take into consideration the things you can and can not control or change.  This is also where you make choices and decisions to move towards the direction of your chosen values. 

My Commitment to Change

Personally,  I want to find my inner peace again.   I’m currently in a constant war inside my own head and neither side is winning the battle.   I’m being drug out of my life and into a constant state of misery.   I’ve identified my own need to once again find happiness.   And this means not letting the days just pass by,  but to live a meaningful and full life.   A life where I can acknowledge my fears and anxiety,  but where they are no longer in charge. 

I’ve identified a few obstacles that may get in the way.  These obstacles are only hypothetical and I came up with them on a whim.   But they are subject to include money or financial ability,  people that may place restrictions on my personal goals,  and fear – both of failure and pain. 

I know that I said this was going to be a bumpy ride…and it will be for me…but I am one hundred percent invested in this.   There is no looking back for me.   I’m out of options.   So with my goals clearly in sight,  I’m fresh into the beginnings of what is sure to be one hell of a journey. 

Am I ready to choose a new approach with my anxieties,  fears and worries?  You bet your ass that I am.  Is this all scary?  Yes…yes,  it is.   But change can be scary and liberating at the same time.   This is the risk I’m willing to take…

Let’s get this show on the road…wherever it may take us…

Wanna Go For a Ride??

So, as I was saying in my introduction, this blog is mainly going to be a guide or reference for my journey through recovery.  And when I say recovery, I’m not talking about drug abuse or alcoholism.  I am talking about my path back to happiness and finding the light in my life once more.

Let me just say that it hasn’t been easy acknowledging the fact that I need help.  It’s been hard to ask for directly.  But, it was time.  Something had to give, or I don’t know what might have happened to me.  I would go so far as to say that I may even be dead right now.

I was having violent fits of rage, cutting myself, crying spells…the whole nine yards.  And I wasn’t getting any better over time despite my medications and doctors.  My pleas for help from peers were going unanswered and I could no longer carry the weight that was upon my shoulders alone.  I had lost Faith in everything, inclusive of the world and humanity -even Spiritually.  And even worse, I felt like I hated everything about myself and my life.

It wasn’t until my last fit of rage, where I cut my wrist, that I committed to going into the mental facility for a pscyh evaluation.  Not only did I commit to the evaluation, but I also committed to following through with whatever they recommended.  I had gone before, but couldn’t be bothered to follow up due to things like Holidays and work.  This time was different.  This time, I had to make the choice — the hard decision to actually put myself first, for what felt like the first time in my life.

This will be a crazy ride for both you and I…but, we can do it together.  Through Mindfulness, Acceptance and Intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy we may discover things that we never even knew existed about ourselves.  We may travel through dark and winding paths where there may glimmers of hope that await us.  I don’t know about you, but I’m maintaining a positive attitude because my life and happiness depend on it.

Come with me on this journey.  Let’s go for a ride together.